Why I Won’t Recommend the Pearl’s Books
This is my first ever negative book review.
I usually don’t waste my time telling you about books that I dislike. I’d rather emphasize the positive and move on to tell you about titles that I feel are edifying and helpful.
But, after Tim Challais review yesterday of Created To Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl and a bunch of banter in favor or against this book, I decided to chime in and tell you why I cannot recommend these books.
Although I have several reasons, ranging from poor theology to manipulation tactics that are shameful and scandalous, I will give you just one reason that you should not heed the marriage advice of the Pearls:
Their writing does not properly reflect the character of Christ.
They are not displaying the visible, singular fruit of the Spirit of God in their writing: love, joy, meekness, gentleness, etc.
Think about that for a moment.
This is a marriage book that claims to be Christian–the authors are speaking on behalf of Christ, but are sorely misrepresenting His character.
Although there might be some truth to what Debi writes, who wants to have to sift through all of the insults and harshness to find it, especially when you have known the goodness and gentleness of the Lord?
You need only read one verse in scripture to see how Christ interacted with those seeking truth:
Luke 4:22 “And all spoke well of him and marveled at the gracious words that were coming from his mouth. And they said, “Is not this Joseph’s son?”
And Christ has expectations for his follower’s speech:
Ephesians 4: 29 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Ephesians 4:15 “Speaking the truth in love.”
Colossians 4:6 “ Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”
1 Peter 3:15 “ but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,”
We are to properly represent the God whose name we are called by. We are His ambassadors, which is an honor. We dare not misrepresent Him or bring Him shame by our own foolish choices.
Here’s a quick example from scripture of how Paul treated the people under his care:
(note: He never uses the words “Dumb Clucks” to describe the people he loves.)
1 Thes. 2:6-8, 10-12:
6. “Nor did we seek glory from men, either from you or from others, even though as apostles of Christ we might have asserted our authority.
7 But we proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children.
8 Having so fond an affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us.
10 You are witnesses, and so is God, how devoutly and uprightly and blamelessly we behaved toward you believers;
11 just as you know how we were exhorting and encouraging and imploring each one of you as a father would his own children,
12 so that you would walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory.”
Paul uses familial terms: nursing mother and caring father.
When a younger sister in Christ comes to you for help, name calling, harshness, sarcasm, cutting remarks and a general lack of gentleness is not okay.
Harsh words do not flow out of a grace-filled heart.
Biblical love for a younger sister in Christ needs to be displayed in the Biblical way…the 1 Cor. 13 way: Love is patient, kind, not self-seeking, never rude.
Meekness is the polar opposite of harshness and a meek heart does not gush forth with crude, offensive, demeaning talk. (even if they think that in the end it is for their own good. The end does not justify the means.)
Even in rebuke, the goal is to heal and eventually edify–not cut down or destroy with a verbal tongue lashing.
And when you are teaching a younger sister, rebuke is rarely needed. Usually, instruction and discipleship are needed.
If you are following God, then you must also follow His prescribed methods.
“Truth without love is brutality.” (Warren Wiersbe)
I fear that Ms. Pearl is training a whole generation of women how to mistreat their Titus two mentee someday. People learn by example, even bad examples. Will they in turn name call, cut down and put into place their younger sisters in Christ, thereby harming the body, when in fact, Titus 2 mentoring is meant to edify and build up believers?
Read Tim’s second half of his book review: here
(See my Titus 2 Page for books on marriage that I DO recommend! :))
I think CTBHH is a dangerous book. here is what I wrote in my book review:
http://morningcuppas.blogspot.com.au/2009/10/created-to-be-his-helpmeeta-dangerous.html
This is bad advice for the abused wife trying to keep it all together.
To Train Up A Child is also dangerous… there will always be parents who take advice to the extreme, and the Pearls’ advice is extreme!
Thanks for the review. I received this book before I got married and thought it very helpful at the time. I tend to miss the details and undercurrents of a writer’s attitude though. And I obviously missed some scripture problems. The way she wrote was appealing to me because I am a blunt, literal person. I struggle with being gentle and meek so I obviously didn’t recognize that as a problem. Haven’t read it in five years which I’m sure if I read it again, my perspective would change on the info presented. Thanks for the input. I never read their child training book but I sure won’t now. I really liked “Don’t make me Count to Three” for a child training book. Thanks for all you do!
Good work, Sarah. I’ve wished for a long time that I could articulate my concerns as well as you and Tim Challies have done. It’s easy to get swept up by something like this that becomes popular. We all want to be good wives and mothers. And our natures respond to strong statements by someone who has “experience”. Especially when results are practically guaranteed! It is much harder to write a negative review. But, I believe this one was especially necessary. Thank you.
This is a fine line that I think is better to stay on the side of caution.
I read this book and the Train up a Child book (the latter being early in my marriage) and at the time I thought they were the best teachings out there.
Little did I know.
It’s a very fine line to walk between what’s truth and what’s stretched. A changed marriage may not be enough to justify other damage these teachings could cause. Some people are mature enough to sift through the inaccuracies to find the truth while other’s aren’t.
Some people need the “in your face, tough-love” mentality while others find it belittling and rude. But the most important thing is Truth. Our personalities aren’t all like Jesus.
I think Tim Challies point on the topic was excellent. There were several instances when passages of scripture were misinterpreted and that’s not OK.
I have to be honest, I am torn on the fine line myself. When I read Created to Be His Help Mate, I agreed with much of it, but I didn’t know any better. I agreed with it based on the “back up” of scripture given that wasn’t all true. Something I didn’t recognize until I was more mature in the faith.
That doesn’t mean others are immature, it simply means we all have some growing in the Lord to do and our eyes and ears need to be in tuned with the Spirit. The Bible talks about false teachings being prevalent and it’s not going to be blatant. It’s going to be subtle. He warns us to stay in the Word so that we can recognize them. It only takes a small tweak to make the teaching false. And when there are a LOT of tweaks throughout one book, you have to make a choice.
I’d rather err on the side of caution on this one and stick to scriptures.
Well said, Christin. I appreciate your input here.
To be a little simple…cause I am simple: If you had a plate of food that had a small portion of good food but a larger portion of garbage, would you throw out just the garbage and eat the remaining good food? I sure wouldn’t….I would throw out the whole plate.
I would throw the food on the floor and demand Olive Garden! haha Wanna Go? 😉 Miss you, Karen!
Yep, what you said.
And this: if there is so much of poor or harmful quality to sift through on the way to finding the “good stuff” – is it really worth the time we’d have to invest in it? Is it really the *best* way to redeem the time we have? There are other books/resources/etc that would be a much wiser use of our time, and much more beneficial to us in their entirety.
I’ve not read anything else by either of the Pearl’s, just this book, but after this one I’m not inclined to check out the rest of their work.
I have a couple of their books and felt the same way, that I had to sift through a lot of opinion to find the nuggets of truth. Thank you for this explanation.
That is a great quote by Warren Wiersbe…perfect. Although I do think Debi hits the mark in some areas, I am just never comfortable recommending this book, at least not without a word of serious caution. It’s not even that she’s just “direct” and urgently trying to get your attention – she actually ridicules people. And many of the examples she uses for whether a woman is a godly wife are just ridiculous! If I vaccinate my children, I’m a “Dumb Cluck”? How is that related to character in the slightest? And if you look up Michael Pearl on Youtube and watch some of his videos, he’s also ridiculing (for example, of the NIV because apparently the KJV is the only legitimate translation of Scripture to them). I read To Train Up a Child just out of curiousity and I was horrified! Yes, there are some snippets of truth in both books, but those snippets of truth are not original to the Pearls. There are much better written marriage and parenting books available.
I have not read this one because I read the parenting one which is scary. I have looked at much of their info online and people need to be very careful with their materials. They are theologically wrong, and potentially very hurtful and harmful to families.
Obviously there are some things that are fine. But that is probably the scariest part of all with wrong teaching. We can be duped because “there are some good things.” Way to be bold, Sarah. 🙂
I too am sorry you feel this way about the Pearl’s writings. I for one, appreciate whole-heartedly their publications. Although I do not agree with every stand they take in their ministry, I can read their books knowing they are unashamedly teaching nothing short of true biblical principles.
There is a time to biblically exhort – but if you look at II Timothy 4:2, you will see Paul also encourages Timothy that while preaching the Word, we at times do need to “reprove, rebuke” as well as “exhort”.
The Pearls can be considered “harsh” in the material they publish, but we all need to have a wake-up call every now and then. Someone to put us in our place, and send us back down the right path. This is why I can recommend and endorse just about every book they offer.
I am with you all the way, Sarah. I won’t bash it, but I will say that someone gave Mr. Hippie and I “To Train up a Child” for a wedding gift, and even coming from a very conservative upbringing, I didn’t agree with it. I thought it was rather unfair that al the positive examples of behavior were their own kids, and the negative examples were someone else’s. My sister in law was just reading this book you were talking about, and kept coming away in tears. She said it made her feel like an awful wife. My brother told her to stop reading it, because she is a great wife.
I do think some things are difference in personality, or in what different people think is important. You either need to sift through it, and get what works for you (which you can-because its not the Bible) or just leave it.
Personally, I really love to talk to the Pearl’s grown kids, and see how they are raining their kids. I’m betting, just like I’m not doing everything the same as my parents, they aren’t doing everything the same either.
Yes, I have read parts of the child training book as well and could only wince. I just could not read it never mind recommend it.
I just had to write a few of my two cents on this one. I am really sorry that you did not like the Pearl’s book and that it offended you. I do have to say that the book Created To Be His Helpmeet changed my life and marriage. She is very in your face with things and it is true she could be a little more gentle with some of the ways she says things. But I felt like she was writing the book out of love and maybe even urgency to get people’s attention. I felt like her book was very Biblical and true. There was a lot of points in the book that were very in your face and convicting but there was truth in it. I 100% support and believe in that book and give it as wedding gifts and constantly recommend it to people. The only thing I can say I would maybe change is just her being a little more gentle and having less of a sarcastic way of saying things. I think because she has some of that in the book it can come across the wrong way to a lot of women. Honestly though our culture and the church have excepted so many things that are contrary to God’s Word that sometimes I think you need people like Debi Pearl to get in your face a little. At least for me that is exactly what I needed and have been forever changed and am reaping the blessings in my marriage. When you fulfill your proper God given roles as a helpmeet to your husband and mother to your children and keeper of the home you are blessed in so many ways.
I do have to say that I do not think it was fair for you to attack her Christianity. We are all different and at different places in our lives and walks with God. There are so many different types of personality and I don’t think it is fair that you attack her Christianity being real just because Debi was not as gentle as you would have liked. Paul does say to be gentle and to be gracious in speech but he also says to be Bold. I do not feel like Debi was mean or un-chrisitan in her book Created To be His Helpmeet. I think she was in your face and bold but not un-christian and un-biblical. I am also very familiar with their ministry and other resources they have and they are very right on Biblically with many things. But because both Michael and Debi Pearl can be a little in your face with things they are taken the wrong way a lot and I am constantly seeing their insights taken out of context in bad reviews. If I would not have read their stuff myself and been very familiar with their ministry I would have written them off and called them wacky. But because I know their stuff I see that it is just a little in your face and very counter culture. It is really just part of their personality’s. We are all different and God uses us in different ways.
I hope you know I am not attacking you right now. I very much enjoy your blog and insights and know that you are a wonderful godly women. Please just don’t attack other godly people just because you might disagree with them. We are all believers in the body of Christ. We are supposed to be building each other up and praying for each other. It is all for His glory!!
No, I know you are not attacking me. Thanks for your comment. And I realize that people have differing personalities. Actually, I did not say that I was offended. I actually read her book with jaw dropped open amazed that women were reading it. No, I was not personally offended, but Debi’s style is offensive because of that she harms other people…younger women who are looking to her for advice via books . There is a time and a place for hard truth, and I think I made reference to that. But scripture has parameters for our tongue which Debi has crossed. Name calling and demeaning remarks just don’t have any place in a normal, functional Christian family. I fear two things: 1. That she is training and mentoring thousands of Christian women to be harsh and demeaning in approach to their Titus 2 mentees by her example. 2) She puts undo pressure on women who struggle in their marriage and makes them carry too much of the weight for a problem that may not be fixable. Only the Holy Spirit can change a heart…not the tactics of a wife. Certainly we want to to do what is right as women, but sometimes it might be the husband’s problem. Then you can only trust God and pray…but you should not make life easy for a sinning husband…and you most definitely should use the safeguards given in scripture for an unrepentant husband…”tell it to the church.”
A friend gave me that book, apparently to instruct me about my divorce. It was extremely hurtful to me, given the harsh way the author treats divorced moms. Thank you for writing this review.
So sorry to hear that. It is harsh and really does nobody any good. It is hard to take in info when you feel someone is condescending in tone, isn’t it?
Very hard, especially when the author doesn’t comprehend the subject personally, as you do.