When Women Divide

I had several opportunities to visit with some lovely Christian women this week and through their fellowship and encouragement, have been thinking about walls.

Yes, walls. Weird, I know.

But, did you know that some women are like walls and others like windows?

Walls divide.

Windows let in light, warmth and allow a glimpse of something more, something lovely.

And too many times, women in our churches build walls and end up isolating themselves and their ability to influence and love other women in unity, but they can never see why. They make the same mistakes over and over again yet always think it is someone else’s fault. They are the “victims” and fancy themselves persecuted for righteousness sake when in fact their own brashness  with their mouth is the culprit. They are angry inside and full of turmoil. You know it by the way they either blow up at others, or, if the anger is held onto long term, it shows itself in a partisanship spirit (I’ll talk to these people but not these. I’ll be decent to you but not her.) Sometimes long term anger shows itself in belittling comments or sarcastic jabs made at the person they are directing their anger towards.  Sin has so entangled them, that they are blind and don’t even know it.

Pride and contentions walk hand in hand as does every other power struggle or one up-manship tactic known to women. A proud woman assumes that she is a little higher than everyone else, a little more in the know, a little more spiritual, a little more entitled. She wears an air of contempt for others, just like the self righteous pharisees.

She likes to call the shots and can never fully love the women around her, because she is so self absorbed with being “all that” , and “always right” and she’ll fight, cajole and manipulate to maintain her coveted status. Always being right comes with a high price tag, as does every sin.

Too many times child raising techniques, standards, methods of education and other ways of “doing life” become walls that divide and isolate.

And too many times these well meaning women, those who might be dedicated to doctrinal purity or holiness,  can, in their pride, become walls. Then they wonder why nobody comes to them for the advice they are so sure only they can give.

Nobody wants to run into a wall.

Not that it is wrong to have an opinion, or to even hold fast to a conviction, but sometimes in dealing with others, it can be done in an ungodly, exclusive or ungracious manner and can smack of —> “this is the only way, ” and “I will not associate with you”, or “I will bad mouth you if my way is not adhered to.” Pride, pride, pride.

When you truly get a glimpse of God’s holiness, it produces humility. And you are only qualified to help others when you are humble. God doesn’t require great intellect, unusual wisdom or anything else, but he does demand humility.

I love how Jim Berg puts it. In his book, Created for His Glory, he gives an example of how a homeschooling mother, “Shirley”, the self-proclaimed expert on child training in her church , behaves with other women. She can’t stand thinking that other women get advice from anyone else but her on the topic. I can imagine her meddling, giving unwarranted advice, just trying to be “helpful.” She isolates her children from those who do not adopt her parenting standards and from mothers who do not exact the same kind of behavior from their children as she does from hers. She is the cause of contention and power struggles. (Where there is pride, there are always power struggles.) From page 146,147

“Here we have a mother who would never allow her children to be exposed to anything worldy or tempting. She does not want them deceived by the “lusts of the flesh. She is right on target with her concerns. However, she herself has fallen prey to the “pride of life.” She has turned her “gift” {self-proclaimed gift} of knowledge into a “barrier” by her pride.

The Jews did the same thing They focused on the externals, which in their pride became a relational “middle wall of partition.” {meaning a barrier between the Greeks of that time and themselves}

If Shirley does not see the subtle pride of her own heart, she will be blinded to the more subtle manifestations of pride in her children in the days ahead. She will continue to be very alert to the obvious external issues she has seen in her studies. But tragically, she will probably lose on or more of her children later because she is oblivious to the ways that pride can destroy the inside of a person who is doing everything right on the outside. When her child falls because of pride, she will be bitterly asking God why He let her fail when she did everything right.

Herein lies the principle: Any gift will divide when utilized in pride. Gifts are given by God to be utilized for His glory. When used in pride, it siphons the glory away from God and directs it to the creature.”

The root of the problem, and anytime you have contention, there is pride in abundance.

Someone is trying to protect their “king of the hill” status in whatever area they hold in high degree. And to do so, they’ll knock other women down. The church, which should be a place of unity and healing becomes a “Christianized” war zone–you come onto my turf and I will cut you.

Of course, this behavior exposes that we are babes in Christ.

1 Cor. 3:

“I could not speak unto you as spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Christ…for ye are yet carnal, for whereas there is among you envying and stife and divisions…you are carnal.”

Here is a question to ask yourself:

Who am I in a power struggle with? Why?

What is it that I am holding onto and desire more than I desire God’s glory and obedience to his will?

A word of advice: stay away from women who play games. Power struggles, gossiping, cutting others down while trying to make themselves look righteous are all HUGE warning signs that something is not right and that pride is running rampant. Associate with those who are lowly and humble. Serve w/o needing to be recognized.

When you associate with the humble, you are in good company. Jesus came to serve, did not assert his “rights”, was misunderstood and mistreated, but asks his followers to follow His example.

And when you ARE asked about your opinion about this or that, make sure you respond in humility, wisdom and grace, channeling the glory to God.

Because without Him, WE ARE NOTHING. Before him we were lost, alienated, strangers. With Him, In Him, Through Him we have all things in common.

“Let nothing be done through strife, (power struggles, contentions) or to get attention and glory for ourselves, but in lowliness of mind, let each esteem others better than himself…Have this mind among yourselves, which is the mindset of Christ Jesus…who made himself of no reputation and became a servant, and humbled Himself. ” {conglomeration of verses, my paraphrase}

*ps. I write about contentions between women because this is a blog for women, but the same is true in any relationship: husband to wife, and men with men.