A Wise Woman’s Words
Using your words wisely is a gift. Wisdom tells us when to speak and when to remain silent.
There are those who rarely speak, and there are those who always speak. Both extremes should be avoided.
Wisdom tells us what to say and how to say it. Our words are to be grace-filled. Gracious. Health-ful and healing. Our words should never be sharp, callous, bitter and degrading. The goal is to restore to health “in the spirit of meekness”, not let ’em have it,or give them your two cents. If you do use harsh words, you better be ready to issue an apology.
Wisdom (in mentoring/counseling) is knowing the right thing to say, at the right time, in the right way, and to the right end. It points another person to the cross for forgiveness, the cross for seeing their sin as it is, and the cross for grace to change. It sees Jesus and his grace as the final end.
Although you may know the right things to say, sometimes you shouldn’t say it.
Some questions to ask yourself when you are mentoring and wondering what to do:
“Are you wondering if you should say it? Don’t. ” This little saying is wise advice. If you have to wonder if you should speak or not, or are debating about what to say, don’t. Please do yourself this favor. Take my word for it. You’ll thank me later. 🙂
Is this person ready to apply truth, or is she just simply venting? Sometimes a friend just needs a listening ear.
They want someone to hear them out. This is especially true of women in crisis or hardship, during “that time of month” or during menopause. You can discern their need by noting their “state of mind.” If they are agitated,(“I can’t believe this is happening to me!”) annoyed, (“This is so rediculous!”) or paranoid(“People don’t like me,” or “My kids are going to turn out bad”) or despairing (“I am such a failure,”) then maybe the wise thing to say communicates loving assurance or confidence that they are loved and not despised, that their kids will turn out fine,and that people are not all talking about them and that God has not forgotten them. They need love not a sermon!
Is this person asking for your opinion? When someone is desperate enough and ready to change, they will ASK you when they want your help.
This is when, after listening and hearing their struggles, you should then give your honest advice. Remember, they don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care! One great bit of advice that I have learned from my mother in law ,who is also a pastors wife of many years, is not give unsolicited advice to others. Not only does it come off as arrogant (“I have the answers you are looking for.”) but it actually makes people avoid asking you knowing you are all too eager to give them your two cents. I have also seen the result of women in ministry who seem to know it all, insert themselves and their advice onto others who did not ask for it and who are not careful about what they say or how they say it. It is really a detriment to their husbands ministry, not to mention their own! By the way, many women have confided in my mother in law knowing that she is not a busy body and that she truly cares about others enough to listen. Listening takes work. Discerning takes work. This is where you pray for wisdom!
“If I am afraid to speak the truth lest I lose affection, or lest the one concerned should say, “You do not understand”, or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness; if I put my own good name before the other’s highest good, then I know nothing of Calvary love.” – Amy Charmichael
If you are in a situation with a child, it is your responsibility to tell them when they are headed in the wrong direction. You are their parent and are responsible to guide them. Still, you should use caution before you speak, especially with those you love most!
“Words and hearts should be handled with care for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair.” -Unknown
“To speak and to speak well are two things. A fool may talk, but a wise man speaks. ” ~Ben Jonson
Some sage advice:
“Never speak when you are angry. Stop and count to ten. If very angry, count to 100.”
Never vent under the guise of giving advice. “If you want my two cents…blah,blah, blah.” “She is just acting that way because she…gossip, gossip, slander, gossip.”
Make sure your advice lines up with scripture. Wisdom comes from fearing God and his word. We cannot misrepresent him. Advice like” Your not happy, then leave. You really just need to be happy,” or “You have every right to get even with this person for all they’ve done to you,” sounds like advice you may hear on Oprah, but it does not square with scripture.
Be ready to say “I don’t know what you should do, but let’s pray about this together.” Not only are you going to the right source by praying, but you are modeling the right response to life’s trials by praying with your younger sister. This is an invaluable lesson to teach. Ask God!
Did I miss anything? Let me know!