To Submit, or Not To Submit. That is the Question.

Yes, Submission.

I am a firstborn. My husband is the baby of his family. These dynamics between us led to some pretty interesting first years of marriage.

It took me a long time to realize that just because “leading” was my personality (and Peter was pretty laid back in personality) that I was actually harming my marriage by not submitting to his leadership style. (Yes, he has a leadership style. It just wasn’t my style. :))

Wives are commanded to submit to their husbands. Not because husbands have  better ideas or because they are better people, but simply because God chose this order for the family.

I learned early on that having trouble submitting to my husband was really a deeper heart issue: not wanting to submit to God. Not trusting God. Wanting to run my own life.

Now, any honest woman will tell you that submission is something we wrestle with our entire lives, because we all want to be self-ruled. (anyone woman who tells you they don’t occasionally struggle with this is either self deceived or a liar!)

So, if you are a firstborn woman (or if you are just plain strong willed :)) I want to share some lessons I have learned the hard way.

1. Just because you do something one way does not mean it is the RIGHT way to do it. In fact, learning to submit to one another is really a lesson in preferring the way of another without creating fireworks. Humility is key here. 🙂 Just because they don’t lead the way you would, or the way your father would is okay. You married HIM.

2. We balance each other out with our differences. Too much of a good thing is not always a good thing. 🙂 If God wanted there to be two people exactly like you in your marriage, you’d have no need of your spouse. So, embrace your differences. Thank God for them! What you perceive as a weakness in your spouse may actually be what God is using to balance off YOUR rough edges and protect your family, and vice versa.

3. Just because you think something doesn’t mean it needs to be said. Can you say “nag”? Make sure your words are wise and kind, life giving and holy. Enough said.

4. Your are not the Holy Spirit in your husbands life. Relax. Your job is not to make him holy. That is a job for someone bigger than you. Besides, you can’t even make yourself holy!! Your job is to serve the Lord, and make your husband happy. Pray for him, and trust God to do the work in his life.

5. Submitting to something you don’t agree with is NOT optional. Just do it. I used to think that I had to agree with my husband or else I was being hypocritical in doing something without conviction.

I learned over the years that when God tells me to submit to Peter’s leadership, I really just need to do it– whether I like it or agree with it. You don’t need to agree with your leadership in order to follow. (NOT talking about sinful areas, here ladies. Just areas of preference.)

Understanding God’s sovereignty in this area helps!

You are not in this marriage by accident.

He is not leading by chance.

God is doing what is best for you. You can count on it.

Hope was just singing this morning a children’s song: “Sweetly submitting to authority, leaving to God the rest, Walking in the light, keeping our attitudes right…” Such powerful words for a child’s song.

My job is pretty clear: Ephesians 5: 22-24

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

The way you submit to your husband shows your present state of submission to the Lord!

Submission accepts his decisions.

Self rule would include trying to go around him, over him or through him (bully), manipulating to get what you want or just plain resistance to his leadership.

This is just plain a matter of the heart. Between you and God. Humility is mandatory. And trusting God as Sarah did, not giving way to fear but obeying: “like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham… You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.”

Hard, huh? How are you doing in this area?