How to Deal With Your Kid When Something Is “Not Right”: 7 Questions To Ask Yourself
I love talking about raising kids. I love my own kids and am passionate about encouraging moms to love their kids well and to point them to Christ. (Titus 2)
And because we work with youth, I am often asked questions about parenting…because you know, I am SO the expert. (sputter…cough.)
Anyway, I know my own kids, but I don’t know yours. I don’t know your home. Or your family struggles or dynamics. So, I give advice with a ton of disclaimers and qualifications.
I am going to share some evaluating tools that I have used for my own kids over the years and have found to be helpful.
Sometimes, as a mom, I just have a “feeling.” You know what I mean? Like something just isn’t right in one of my kids heart and soul. {surprise! It’s sin! But–you know what I mean, right? They aren’t dealing well with something. They are in a state of unrest.}
When I am concerned about one of my kids actions or attitudes and I am stumped, not sure what to do or how to deal, I pray for wisdom and discernment. I ask God to help me correctly evaluate their needs, and I ask myself these seven questions:
- What does their heart desire most?
- What do they think about most?
- What do they spend their free time pursuing?
- What friends do they long to be with?
- Who do they quote and idolize?
- What do they laugh at?
- What are they sinning to get?
This checklist can help a mom discern what is going on in their child’s heart by showing what they are most drawn to. (idol in the making??)
Once you discern what the trouble spot is, you don’t lecture or scold or accuse.(accusations harden the heart at any age… remember that.)
You stealthily work it into your next family devotional time and deliver a 3 point mini-sermon. Of course, I’m kidding. NO, for the love of Pete, NO! You wouldn’t want that done to you, now would you?
No, you talk to your child (read: not talk down or “talk at” your child. Talk to. It is relational.) and let them know that you understand their desire, because you too struggle with similar but different desires in other areas. You tell them from experience that our hearts are “idol factories” and that this is a common mistake we make—desiring lesser things than God alone.
Honesty about our own situation, and showing them the magnificence of Christ should be a way of life. And it is the way to point them to hope.
This post was very helpful! I definitely tend to want to lecture but do my best to ask my children questions about their behavior and what led them to do something. But I do have a question I constantly struggle with – I know that God is the only one who changes hearts so I’m waiting patiently for Him to change the hearts of my children who are still young (6 and almost 3). How do you continue to teach your children to love God and to put Him first and seek Him first when it seems that their hearts are just not there yet…or at least you don’t see any external proof or evidence that they are seeking? Does that make sense?? Is this where patience and waiting on the Lord come in? I know my children are young, but I’m trying to figure this out a bit! 🙂 I feel like I tell them 20 times a day to love each other with words and actions only for them to be disagreeing and teasing every other minute 🙂 Thank you for your insight!
Kim, we have such a huge impact on our kids, by teaching them God’s word, but then living it out in our everyday life. Your children are very young and you have a long time of training ahead of you, so just do what you are doing. Teaching them about God and His attributes, talking about living the Christian life, and bringing them along side while you live it out in front of them. They will some day be confronted with the fact that they are sinners…and the Holy Spirit will bring about change. You are going to feel like they aren’t getting it…but parenting is like working on assembly line. You keep doing and saying and teaching the same things over and over and over….:)
Thank you again! That was encouragement I needed…while I have to be honest that the assembly line idea isn’t all that appealing at times, I see that often the glory of God is in the small things. Thank you for your help 🙂
Well…
You wrote the post I need this morning friend.
Related to our FB dialogue…this has been on my heart.
Thankful for you!
Love,
K
Still praying. So glad it was relevant.