How to Avoid the Approval Junkie Trap
Wanting to be loved is normal and natural. But when that good desire becomes all consuming and morphs into an expectation of being loved, you are in danger of becoming an approval junkie.
An approval junkie is just like a Visa card. They want to be “approved everywhere” they go.
Seeking approval from others is perhaps one of the most destructive and dangerous of sins. Why? Because we are searching and longing for approval from men, ultimately worship for ourselves, and we set ourselves up as enemies of God and man.
Why God? Because he will not share his glory with another. He will be glorified, because in reality, He is God. In the end, only His opinion counts anyways.
Why Man? Because when you don’t give me what I demand (approval) I will war with you to try to get it. I am not free to love you unless you give me what I want. Fear of man ensnares us in sin.
There are some Christian women who can never enter into normal friendships with other women, because they are looking for something in that friendship that can never happen– 100% approval at all times.
Here are five ways to protect yourself from being an Approval Junkie:
1. Don’t look for love in all the wrong places. We live in an approval society. Instead, seek your approval from God. Let God fill the void of your heart. Find your satisfaction in Him. Otherwise, seeking approval in people is idolatry and futile. Life isn’t supposed to work that way.
2. Don’t expect others to fill your “love tank.” If you do, you’ll always be disappointed, moody and unable to love others well. In heaven, things will be perfect, but down here, they are not. People will disappoint you, but God never will. {and hey, guess what. We disappoint others, too.} It is not fair to expect your husband, parents, friends or children to always make you feel a certain way.
Moodiness in an dysfunctional “approval relationship” is rarely based on anything more then perception. I think you like me, so I am happy today. I feel as though you’ve rejected me, so I am moody today.
Don’t be controlled by the opinions of others. Instead, be controlled by the Spirit.
3. Don’t be a victim. Yes, I am sure you’ve been hurt, but I am also sure you’ve hurt someone else. Own up to your own behavior and realize that perhaps your own sinful responses are the causes of many of your relationship problems. Do you writhe in guilt all of the time? Guilt is a tool to help you repent. Guilt is a gift towards sanctification, if you allow God to work in YOU. Otherwise, sin that causes guilt that is not dealt with will drive you farther from God, as you hide your sin from Him.
4. Don’t be devastated by criticism. An extremely proud person thinks they are above being wrong, so hence, they are devastated by criticism. Are you really so perfect that you think that you can do no wrong? What does the Bible have to say about this mindset? People who live this way end up isolating themselves {exact opposite of what they really want} and find that people avoid dealing with them.
5. Don’t destroy your friendships by not receiving or speaking the truth in love. Healthy relationships are not based on how you feel, but on truth.
If you are afraid to speak the truth in love, you are saying that you fear man more than God. More often we are motivated by our desire to be liked, so we say nothing, rather than being motivated by love for the person, which prepares another to stand before God someday.
On the flip side, a person who is resentful when you lovingly confront sin in their lives is telling on themselves. What is ruling them is not a desire for God’s glory, but a desire for comfort, understanding and self approval. Ultimately, it is not wise to approach a person who is like this. The Bible calls a person who will not receive correction a scorner.
How do we teach our kids to avoid this trap?
Teach them to Fear the Lord: “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe,” and “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” are great verses for talking about the fear of man.
Praise their courage when they do what is right verses doing what is easy. When your teen stands up for what is right, make sure you tell them that that was the wise way to walk. Wise living is not always popular with friends, but it is always popular with God. 🙂
Take out your Visa card and teach them that if they ARE approved everywhere, then something is certainly wrong. When you stand for what is right, you’ll not be approved by everyone. When you live a counter culture life, approval is not headed your way.
Are you an approval junkie? What can you do today to get out of that snare? Ask yourself, why are people’s opinions of me so important?
Sarah,
I am devouring your archives and this post has made me cry. I needed to read this, so very much.
I am struggling with this, especially this week for some reason. Thank you for your words.
So glad it was helpful. We all struggle with this from time to time. Keep your eyes on Christ alone! Hugs!
I really needed this for a couple of reasons:
1. I am a people pleaser and I desire the approval of others. I don’t want to disappoint or let down and I base my self-worth by the minute based on criticisms or compliments 🙁 It is something I’m really trying to work on and I like the points you gave in this post.
2. Your last point about speaking the truth in love is so timely for me, as a situation arose (on facebook of all places), where I was called out and really criticized for speaking God’s truth in love. It has really saddened me but I need to remember where that person is coming from.
Blessings to you!
Crystal, have you ever read “When People are Big and God is Small?” Excellent book on this very topic. I will pray about your FB situation. God knows all about it. Live for Him.
I’ve been struggling with this lately,but kind of in a different way. I really respect my mother in law, who is a very godly woman with great counsel. But we’ve disagreed on a few things – mainly about the stuff I’ve chosen to share on my blog(with my husband’s consent) about our early marriage struggles. A lot of times I feel like if she disagrees, then I am automatically wrong and I feel like I need to change my approach to gain her approval. But the truth is that I need to be more focused on what God is calling me to do whether or not she approves. It can become an idol and really interfere with God’s calling. Thanks for the reminder.
Just back from a morning Bible study where this came up over and over and OVER.
This is so good Sarah…and such an easy trap to fall into.
It’s a battle to keep my focus on Him.
I LOVE this!!!!! And I can definitely relate to it, especially in my past. But this is a temptation that I think can hit us at any stage in our walk with Christ and it is devastating to our witness and relationship with God!
THANK YOU for this article and the courage to tell the truth in love. If you would grant me permission, I would really like to reblog this one on http://www.peacefulwife.com and http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpreas.com
May you continue to shine brightly for Christ!
Sure thing, April. Reblog away, and you are right. These temptations are only ever a glance away from Jesus Christ for all believers. That is why it is paramount to keep our eyes on Him.