When Good Kids Make Bad Choices
Sitting in my rocker on the back porch, I soak up the sun and sip tea. I have lots of time to read this week. The book I am reading is for pleasure, although it’s title may surprise you- “When Good Kids Make Bad Choices,” by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jim Newheiser. I read it years ago, but am rereading it afresh with “teenage mother” eyes. Years ago I had toddlers, and it could not have applied directly to me.
I wish I had paid attention to this book years ago, because although it did not apply to me back then, it did apply to some of the parents that Peter and I were dealing with. We have been in youth ministries for 19 years this fall, and it would have given me a more compassionate outlook when dealing with hurting moms.
Not that I was vocally critical or the self proclaimed “parenting police”, but I really did believe that if you trained a child the “right way”, they would turn out okay. Although I never verbalized this to anyone, I secretly reasoned that if you did your job correctly, hence holding up your end of the bargain, then God would hold up His end of the bargain. Um…whatever.
This type of thinking assumes that two things exist:
- A set of parents that parent perfectly or
- A child that submits perfectly to their parents.
Clearly, these conditions do not exist. As a matter of fact, not even one of the two conditions exists. We are sinful parents, raising sinful kids.
I know many parents who were dedicated Christians, taught their children God’s ways and lived them out before them, had strict standards for their home, guarded them against unnecessary worldly influences, in some cases home schooled them, and still have had kids “walk away” from the Lord. This is nothing new. God gives instructions in the OT law for punishing rebellious kids who have righteous parents.
We only have to turn to the book of Genesis to see the first family had a “wayward” child.
We’re sure that Adam and Eve had high hopes for their two sons. They sought to raise their children to serve the Lord. While one son honored both God and his parents, the other was stubborn, self-willed, and hot-tempered. Ultimately this rebellious son murdered his younger brother and had to spend the rest of his life separated from his parents who loved him. Is it hard for you to imagine the anguish that Adam and Eve experienced? Probably not. The sad reality of life after Eden is that this story has been repeated in countless homes.” pg.19
Adam and Eve walked with God. They had a child who responded and a child who didn’t. We all know that they “raised” a murderer. Cain killed Abel.
Where did the fault lie?
Were the parents to blame? Sure, they were imperfect. But the blame does not lie AT ALL entirely on them.
Was it society? Did they not protect him enough from the handful of people alive at the time? We certainly cannot blame TV, internet, or public schools.
Cain refused even God’s entreaties. Even God reasoning with him did not persuade Him to do right . He was bent on doing wrong. Israel is often portrayed as God’s rebellious son in the Old Testament. (Exodus 4:22, Jeremiah 31:9) The Lord was the “perfect father” to these people and still they rebelled. Read Isaiah 1:2. Israel had a wicked heart, they refused correction, refused to repent,and made foolish choices.
The fault lies with the unwilling heart of the child. The poor choices of the child. All of the biblical training, equipping, etc…cannot change a rebellious child’s heart.
If you have a wayward child, my guess is that you take more of the blame for this situation than you should. Could you have done things differently? Yes. Were you perfect? No.
Can you play the Holy Spirit in a child’s life? No. Can you inwardly change a child who does not want to change? No. Is that really even your job? No. We think that we can change our children because we live in an illusion that we are in control.
If you have a wayward child, I would highly recommend this book.
It gives wonderful advice on living for God’s glory and learning to trust Him through the pain. It talks about proactively loving a wayward child, whether they receive it or not.
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Linked to Courtney
This is so good…I love reading Elyse Fitzpatrick, but hadn’t heard of this one. So thankful for the reminder that it’s not a formula…God is the changer of hearts. And…it’s not the end of their story…or mine….yet.
Good good words!
Thank you for recommending this book. I’m in the thick of parenting teens. I’ll see if I can borrow or buy a copy.
I love how you relate to the fact that in the time of Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, there were no t.v.s, radios, etc. And I’m sure that Adam and Eve took even more heartwrenching responsiblity for Cain’s behavior than any of us would because they were the ones who committed the first sin, who brought sin into this world. I think the hardest part about having a wayward child would be the loss of the control we, as parents, IMAGINE we have! Every day I remind myself that my children are not my own. They belong to Jesus.
I always feel bad for parents who are suffocatingly controlling of all that their kids do. They are living under the illusion that they if they can control externals, they will control internals. God never gave us the job of the Holy Spirit. We are in dangerous territory when we try to act as if we are. This is where consistently living a godly life regardless of the circumstances is so important. He also talked about guarding your marriage during times of crisis with children, because the natural tendency is to start blaming the other spouse, and to deteriorate that relationship into a tit for tat battleground. You are so right. God is in control. We can rest in that.
When I worry about my kids going astray, I remember that even Billy Graham’s son went haywire for a while! As my kids go through their teens, I’m learning to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. You’re right – there really is nothing we can do to make a child make the right choices. We can pray, but their free will is still their own.