The Stanford Marshmallow Test {and why teaching self control is a good thing}

Turns out that teaching your kids to wait is a good thing for them. And that teaching self control has long term benefits.

Have you heard of the famous Stanford Marshmallow Test conducted by Walter Mischel?

He put various children, one at a time in front of a marshmallow to test the child’s ability to delay gratification. He told them that they could either eat the marshmallow now, or if they waited until he came back in a few minutes, he would give them two marshmallows. (see video below.)

And you can give the test at home.(Oh, if I had a 3-4 year old I would SO be doing this right now! :))

Mischel then followed the children through high school and learned that the simple marshmallow test was almost a direct predictor of future academic and personal success.

“Fourteen years later Mischel found that the “grabbers” suffered low self-esteem and were viewed by others as stubborn, prone to envy, and easily frustrated. The “waiters” had better coping skills, were more socially competent, self-assertive, trustworthy, dependable, academically successful, and scored about 210 points higher on the SATs. In fact, the ability to delay gratification through self-discipline (as measured by the “Marshmallow Test”) was a better predictor of future success than any other measurement.”  “Marshmallows and Grit.”

Children who stayed within definite set boundaries were happier and better off. How do they learn self control? By accepting the little two letter word: NO.

But what about parents who don’t set limits? Those who are constantly giving in to their kids pleas for whatever they want at that second??

Child: “Can I have a candy bar?” (asking about limits)

Mom: “No, you have to wait until after dinner.” (setting limits)

Child: “Pleeeeaassssse?” (pushing limits)

Mom: “Well, okay.” (changing the limits)

That child now knows that when mom says no, there is always a good chance that with some whining the rules might change. (In our home, whining meant an automatic no, because whining is not an acceptable form of communication.)

When you have to give a yes or no answer to your child, you will benefit if you think about your answer before you speak it. Because once you speak it, you should stand by what you said.

It is okay to set limits and say NO. And really mean it. Your kids will benefit if they learn that they cannot have everything they want RIGHT when they want it.

There is nothing worse than a child/teen who has not learned to take no for an answer. They are constantly “gambling” with their parents. Bargaining to get what they want. Imagine their shock when they try this with their boss someday.

So, go ahead Moms. Just say NO like you really mean it.–> And then, mean it. (But don’t say it in a mean way.:))