Avoiding Mommy Tunnel Vision {and appreciating that man by your side}
A few days ago, I shared a few small goals for the year 2013.
You may or may not have noticed that “being a better wife” was on that list. I kinda skimmed over it for the sake of that post, but there is a method to my madness, I promise. Hence, today’s post. 
Somewhere between falling madly in love with Peter and caring for children for the last 19 years, my focus slipped from being a lover of my husband {read: friend, companion, walk beside me, arms around me, kind of woman} to being a good mother. Not that being a good mother is a bad thing, but I am NOT just a mother. I am a wife also. In fact, I am Peter’s wife, first and my kids mother second. I believe I’ve become unbalanced and become a mother first and wife second.
Elizabeth George advises:
“How can a wife nurture a heart of love, a heart prepared to support her husband in practical ways “until death do us part”?Decide to make your husband your number one human relationship. Our relationship with our husband is meant to be more important than the relationships we enjoy with our parents, friends, a good neighbor, a brother or sister, a best friend, and even our children, and the way we use our time should reflect that rank ordering!”
I know I am not alone in this. You see, I did this very unscientific Facebook poll to see how common this problem was and I asked whether women typically think about their husband or their kids. The majority answered: kids. The reasons are obvious: we work with our kids all day. We get them ready for school, make their meals, pack their lunches, or in some cases, homeschool them, tote them to their sports and music lessons, doctors appointments and church activities.
But, at the same time, I want to balance that out a little. I know that if the reverse were true, and my husband was constantly thinking about our kids more than me, I would not think that normal. In fact, I would read all kinds of messages into that, wouldn’t you?
And I don’t want to do that to him.
Now, I know you love your husband. I love my husband, and that is why I want to change this. This is not a children vs husband issue…and I am not trying to pit loving your husband against loving your children. We are called to love both.
But, I am just saying that maybe you’ve found yourself, like me, catering too much to your children (or grandchildren) and too little to your husband. (Of course, this is normal in the baby/toddler years. The kids need you!)
For our kids, we like to make them little treats, buy their favorite cereal, bring them to do fun things, make memories for them. We buy, we plan, and make it happen for our kids.
The same can be true for our husband.
We can do simple things like making his coffee. Buying his favorite fruit. Thinking of the little things that make him happy. Taking interest in what interests him. Taking time to sit and laugh with him. Texting him. Planning special dessert times, or coffee dates. I don’t know. Your list might look different than mine, but I am going to shift this unbalance in 2013.
I want to make small changes and do special little things so that he’ll know that he is on my mind, and give him the companionship I promised him when we said our wedding vows.
For those of you who know us personally, we have a good marriage and love each other. Peter makes me laugh. We’ve always taken time away for just the two of us. Peter plans little trips for overnighters at least once a year and we try to have dates several times a month. We’ve never been one of those couples who just can’t leave the kids for a little vacation. Years ago, Dr. Freemont at BJUniversity warned against such child centered parenting and said that a healthy marriage was one where husband and wife realized “early on” that children would one day leave, but the husband/wife relationship remains. He warned that you didn’t want to wake up one day and realize that your whole life had revolved around kids to the point that you are no longer friends and lovers. We’ve heeded that advice. Peter is one of the easiest going guys I’ve ever known. Men are pretty simple. They want to be fed and loved on. They want their wife to be happy and they’re fiercely loyal. In twenty years of marriage, I can honestly say that I have rarely heard him complain. And that is what has made this shift of mine even easier. He always seems happy and unbothered, but, now I am bothered with it and am taking responsibility for our/his happiness.
The question of the day will be, Does Peter know I love him? What can I do to make his life easier? How can we connect as a couple today?
Have you experienced this shift in thinking in your marriage? Do you have any creative ways to change that? If you are older and wiser and have successfully avoided “Mommy Tunnel Vision” please share your insight.
Perhaps, as a divorced woman, I am not qualified to comment on this. I have read a lot about marriage/relationships these past few years, and observed a lot of marriages, so I have a little perspective.
My observation has been that a wife loves her husband best when she receives his love, allows him to minister to her, accepts his protection and adoration, and admires him. I agree that the marriage relationship takes priority, but I would add that doing things for one’s husband is not necessarily the best way to love him. It could actually veer toward adopting a mothering attitude towards him, which would be harmful to marriage and romance. Rather, receiving from him builds him up. Men want respect from a woman who admires them and lets them be men. They don’t want their wife to act like their mother.
It is the husband’s call to protect and nurture his wife and children. The wife blesses him, respects him, and thus makes him feel loved, when she receives his support and strength, which in turn helps her minister to the children. I’ve watched so many wives treat their husbands like an extra child, pushing away his attempts at support, and worrying that they are not doing “enough” for him and the marriage. They don’t realize that their attempts are only weakening their marriages and not inspiring love in their husbands. I don’t think they understand how married, romantic love works – how God designed it.
I hope that’s helpful. This is a great post; I just wanted to add what I’ve been learning about this important area. Blessings!
Thanks for the encouragement and reminder. Most men worth their salt will not tell you they are “needy” but we have to know they are human and want to be loved, admired, and respected. We can do that by taking the iniative as you said. I would like to add that there was a poll done by Pugh research in which men were asked was they were looking for or looked for when they decided to marry a woman. The number one response was “someone who would be a good mother.” So there you go….God has a way of working both of our major duties into a nice dovetail! : )
Yes, my mom used to say that as well. Men want someone who’d make a good mother…or in short, men don’t marry someone who seems like a “loose girl.”
I LOVE this! Thank you SO much for sharing!
I’m interested to read ideas on how to avoid it happening (or, maybe I should say how to keep it from continuing.) My children are so young that I think it’d be all but impossible to think about my husband more frequently than I do them, but this is just a stage and eventually they’ll be more self-sufficient. Will it be a habit I need to break? Will I even realize it’s a habit I need to break? Much to consider…
Me, too, Sheila. I think it happens slowly, without us realizing it. God forbid we start mothering our husbands! 🙂 By that point, we’ve lost all hope! ha,ha