Do Unto Others…Even When You Disagree
I was disheartened yesterday by a Christian blog post that I came across, where one way of parenting was held as “the way” and all other ways were suspect. If you disagreed, your parenting was cold, neglectful, selfish, dangerous, etc…
All of this judgement over one way of feeding a baby or another. The article was about treating your child as you would want to be treated, but at the same time the author was assuming the worst about those who differ from her parenting philosophies and casting judgement on their motives, which only God can see. Seems like the golden rule came to a screeching halt and you were then suspect as mom if you varied from her methods. I am not going to even link to the article, because, to be honest it was all very ugly. (In fairness, it is her blog and she can write what she wants. I wonder about the wisdom of isolating/condemning a whole segment of Christian women over such an issue, but oh well!)
You will notice that I have never addressed parenting styles, feeding styles, bottle or breast here on this blog for one good reason. It is one of those areas where women who are vigilant to “do the right thing” with their little ones forget that they are also called to humility, meekness and kindness with others–even to others who disagree. A loving person, 1 Cor. 13 teaches, thinketh no evil about another. This means that as a believer, I cannot assume evil intentions or attitudes about you, even when we disagree.
I do have strong feelings about how a child should be raised. I also realize that I am only responsible to raise my own children and that God will not judge me over how you raise your child. If you ask my opinion, I will share. But otherwise, it lacks humility to assume that what worked for my kids will work in your situation. It also lacks humility to assume that you love your child MORE if you parent in a certain style, and that I love my child less if I don’t agree with you and your methods. It is also scary to assume that one way of parenting will produce a righteous child.
I come from a family of four girls, and each of my sisters have children. We have all dwelled in unity although our parenting styles are all over the board. We have some who nursed, some who bottle fed, some who wore baby slings and co slept and others who established feeding schedules. Guess what? I never once wondered if my sisters loved their babies or not. I never wondered if they were neglectful, or unloving in areas where we differed. Oh, I had my opinions alright. But, in the end, as long as the child was loved, snuggled and cared for, I realized that those opinions were just my preference. Areas of liberty.
Before you bash another sister in Christ, or question her love for her children, please remember to walk in humility and gentleness. These qualities are “laws” of scripture that are non-negotiable. Parenting styles, however, are negotiable.
Please know that I will delete all mean or condemning comments. This is a space of encouragement for women…even for women with whom I might happen to disagree. Apply the golden rule if you comment, please and thank you!
When I am asked for advice about taking care of children, particularly babies and toddlers, and give a suggestion from my own experience, there is always at least one person present who has a strong opinion otherwise. And they can get very angry about it.
My five children are mostly grown now, at ages 14 to 23, and I’ve lived through many things. And what I understand most of all, is that each mother has to raise her chidren in her own way. It is the hardest job on earth. If she tries to follow someone else’s method, which goes against her own convictions or leanings, she will be frustrated and weary.
The best advice I could give would be to share the different possible ways, and then suggest that each mother find what works for them.
Blessings
Mrs. White
The Legacy of Home
So true, Mrs. White! Oh, it is amazing how tempers can flare and how gentleness goes right out the window when people are talking about how “they” do things in their home. Very sad, really. Thanks for visiting. I know you have a lot of wisdom and I appreciate your stopping by to chat. 🙂
This is a comment in addition to my previous (lengthy comment posted yesterday),but I believe it is important to explain a bit more.
When I noted “there’s a level of peace and ease in direction the Lord would lead us in….”
I was brushing my teeth and telling my husband about the blog and believe the Lord reminded and encouraged me with the fullness of my hair design education experience. And that was that there was always a level of peace and ease and pure excitement in the finding/choosing the techniques to use. Then I would leave the show or classroom, take the notes, drawings and memory I had from the trainings I invested time and money in, and then I had to go back to the salon and grab a manequin head, co-worker, or a family member and start practicing. It was NEVER as easy as they made it look or as I thought it should be. This was when I would cut myself the most with my shears because I would be holding them at angles I never dared to before. This is where I had to ask people to trust me and allow me to cut their hair for up to 3 hours sometimes,so they had to be patient and believe in me. The haircuts did not always come out the way I’d seen or hoped. To be perfectly honest I had to do most of my techniques on my loyal,paying customers and just fake it till I made it. There were at times (most times, many apologies). But it was always worth it in the end. I used to tell my team members/and assistants once I started training them in the salon, “Like someone once told me, you have to fake it till you make it!”
I was thinking last night that this is a bit like the Lord’s grace in parenting, even in walking out our faith at times. Grace allows us to truly “fake it till we make it”. Read the Word, pray, seek out good parenting books, keep our eyes open for a mentor or two (who are the people that have visible fruit, that we can model?), stay passionate about learning and growing to be the best moms we can be, to raise children into the best they can be. And so then we have our children, that the Lord entrusted to us to practice what He’s teaching us.
We have to be proactive with what the Lord teaches us in His word, through others, through yes some parenting books and just do it, practice, practice, and practice some more. We will fail, make mistakes, do some “bad parenting”but I believe it will in turn make us and especially our children more resilient…hair grows back after a bad haircut and our children will keep growing up and give us new opportunities to try again. And I also have t believe that if we are truly seeking after God’s heart and will, that even when we do a few botch jobs, we and our children will become the best God designed us to be.
Yes! Thank God for second chances!
I wish you could see me… I’m standing in my chair applauding! Thank you for this! I have 5 children, the oldest 18 and the youngest 1. I’ve read/heard it all as far as opinions go… The one thing I know is that the Holy Spirit will give wisdom generously to those who ask for it (James 1:5). So, my advice to younger mothers is always – PRAY! Ask the One who knows what’s best for you and your family… and that’s always followed closely by, – And ask your husband. Period. Doesn’t matter what the rest of us think. Being a mama is such hard work… There’s no place for condemnation. We need to rally each other on. Thank you for saying all that you said. Beautiful job!
I did the same thing Amy did and totally agree! There is soooo much information out there that it can be too overwhelming and even if it’s nothing that is bad or wrong, it can still be not the right thing for your particular family. Let the Lord lead! 🙂
Thanks for your encouraging blog!
Thank you for this blog. I am reminded/convicted of how important it is to be slow to speak and quick to listen. I love to read and learn, but that doesn’t mean that it’s time for each new mom or exsisting mom to take in something I’ve stumbled upon or tried that worked. I think we all need to be sensitive when sharing what we’ve read/learned from experience and preface it by saying “I read or tried, this might be helpful, after actively listening to what they are concerned about. I knew from pregnancy that even though I ultimately wanted to seek the Lord in all areas of parenting, I was truly going to need to rely on the Lord for wisdom. He knew I was one to be quick to trying to figure things out myself, and need to get it just right, ultimately forgetting to seek Him at all, so he gave me a pregnancy and some babies that don’t match up (at all) to the most recommended pregnancy/parenting etc books or styles or circumstances of those close to me. (But I personally appreciated what they would share, knowing it was coming from a place of love, and took in what they said that resonated with me as a reference incase it could be of use.)
So far I’ve found raising children ulitimately comes down to the parents, the children, and the Lord’s plans for who they are,where they are, where they’ll go and who they will become. If we all were from different countries/cultures it might be easier to grasp this, but looking at what the “norm” should be can really stress you out. What is normal anyway, I used to ask myself and my friends in highschool??? Who are these “theys” that we’re all supposed to know what “they” say anyway?
My comment is turning into my own blog…so I’ll try to close by saying that before children I was an Master hair designer by trade. I attended a hair school immediately following high school and took in everything I could, learned all I could, watched and listened to all the instructors carefully to see who was not just creative, but also geniune, and passionate. Who did the long term/ or regular guests seek out or request if there was a problem?
I wanted to model them. Then I graduated and the education was truly just beginning. Sure I could hold the shears correctly, execute all the basic styles and color techniques and I could’ve stopped there, but there was always something in me that wanted to be the best I could be, give the best possible service and experience I could..etc.
So then I attended continuning ed. classes regularly. Saw many displays of beautiful hair design and techniques how to cut or even color hair etc. Some were terrifying from the finished product to the execution (people lost blood, that’s how I’ll leave it) . After over 15 years in the field, I was taking away maybe 1 or 2 things from each class(all very different) that “felt” or seemed like they fit my mold, my vision for the service provider and artist that I was and then I would work on mastering the technique. At the close of my season as a hair designer behind a chair in a salon or spa, after being asked numerous times where I learned to “cut or color hair”…I said, “all over the place…my technique is one that has come from picking and choosing from what I’ve watched other masters perform or teach, and over the years I’ve made it into my own way of designing. It’s still ever changing although the signature is there on my work…it is unique, not better than anyone elses, it’s just unique to how I create/serve. There’s people that loved the way I designed and worked with them, and there are those that would find little or no value. I guess what I’m saying is that I believe we need to be open, take in information or “advice”,but as a pastor used to say to me, “take in the meat and leave the bones”. We have to bring everything to hear or see to the throne of grace and see if our Father wants to use it to mold us and change how we do things or if we just leave it with Him. From my experience in hair and the little I’ve had so far in parenting…there is a level of peace and ease with following/listening to that place between your physical heart and gut, not your head. We just need to relax and trust that our Father will faithfully lead us to the knowedge and show us the mentors to enable us to parent with Him children that will serve and create to and for the people in this world who need them, all for HIs glory. He is creative and dyanmic, so far from the cut and paste. Of course He would have us all parent a bit differently…
oops – I meant 2 Tim 3:16.
Great post. It’s just a great reminder for me to be in prayer and check my motives as to why I do what I do in regards to my children and my life.
The best thing that happend to my parenting was to put down the parenting books and pick up the Bible. It’s not that I think some books can’t offer some good advice, but there seems to always be the latest and greatest book out there that you need to read to become better parents. When I started applying 1 Tim 3:16 to my parenting, things changed.
Thank you Sarah, As always you are a gracious lady! Well said, as a mom raising a child with disabilities everyone has an opinion and many times they can be hurtful. Think before you speak/ or blog is a good rule of thumb.
Blessings to you and your family!
I agree with Andee(above) your blog is a breath of fresh air!
I totally agree…we will not stand before the Lord one day and give an account of if we breast fed or not:) As you have said here before …if you are humble then people can approach you and you can mentor them in things that really will matter when we stand before the Lord one day.
Sarah, your posts are always such a breath of fresh air. Thank you for serving the Lord here on the internet. Keep up the good work.
~Andee Lewis
Oh, how I wish THIS were the predominant message we were taught about raising our babies!
Well said, Sarah. And while I’m a little curious about that blog post you read, I’m glad you didn’t link to it. I’m still a mom, and I don’t need to be reading stuff like that.
But I’m a mom, and I do need encouragement. Thank you!