12 Ways Women Tear Down Their Husband Without Knowing It.

Let’s face it, the Bible has quite a bit to say about an unhappy wife:

  • You don’t want to share living quarters with her. “It is better to live in a corner of a roof, then in a house shared with a contentious woman.” Proverbs 21:0
  • She’s like a bone eating disease.  “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” Proverbs 12:4
  • The desert heat would be more comfortable than living with her. It is better to live in a desert land, then with a contentious and vexing woman.” Proverbs 21:19
  • The military could use this woman for torturing the enemy: “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike. He who would restrain her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand.” Proverbs 27:15
  • When she’s aggravated, she’s LOUD and in your face. “The woman of folly is loud and boisterous. She is naïve, and knows nothing.” Proverbs 9:13

if you were my husband

When you marry, you have the potential to become the biggest blessing or the biggest curse in your husband’s life.

And if you have a husband in the ministry, your behavior not only affects him, but the entire congregation for good or bad.  You are either an asset to him or a liability, a cheerleader encouraging him or a ball and chain dragging him down and hindering his ministry.

The Christian walk is never static and the truth is that your marriage is either being built up or broken down. Blessing or cursing. It’s either or.

I want to mention several ways that we women tear down our husbands without knowing it. MOST of this is written satirically, of course, because nobody could actually be this bad, right?

12 Ways We Tear Down Our Husband Without Even Knowing It.

1. We criticize and critique his work. Whatever he does, it’s rarely done right and is never enough. Thankfully, we’re here to check on him! Sure, he dreads your questioning–you can tell by his short one word answers and avoidance tactics like reading the paper or checking his phone, but you don’t care. You’re keeping tabs on this guy to make sure he does what he’s supposed to do. You’re awesome like that.

2. We give helpful insight. Since he seems to have forgotten about the chipping paint or leaky faucet, you post a helpful list on the fridge, in order, with a timetable.

In ministry, you’re quick to give your two cents about what he should say to whom, when he should say it, and threaten that if he doesn’t act, you will. You want him to check back in with you afterwards, so you can approve of his performance. You married such an oaf {insert eye roll}.

3. We complicate his work by failing to do our own. We were so busy overseeing him that we neglected our own work, silly us! No matter. He’s a big boy and should expect some consequences. He has two arms and two legs. If he can pick up the remote, he can certainly work the iron!

4. We fail to say I’m sorry and keep clean accounts. When was the last time you said your sorry? It should have been the last time you sinned against him. But, no matter! Unless he really seems upset or hurt, don’t bother apologizing. He’ll get over it.

5. We belittle him for all of the ways he fails to meet our high expectations. We tell him he should have folded the towel that way. We scold when he leaves socks on the floor. We give opinions about how to handle the kids. We snicker to our friends and broadcast it on Facebook.—>Status: “Um, apparently now he thinks I’m his mother and maid? Pretty sure if we can put a man on the moon we can teach him to iron his own shirt. #whatever #asif #notyourmaid”.

We’re classy like that.

6. We use explosive hormones as an excuse for ungodly speech, moodiness and accusations, leaving him to believe he’s hopeless to ever understand us. {Guys, if any of you are reading this, hormones are real. They are. But they are not a biblical exception for sin, and you know that.  Love us enough to point us in the right direction on this one even when you don’t understand it. Sin is sin, whether the hormones are crazy or not. Hormones serve to show what’s in the corners of our hearts. Since hormones make us feel upset and unsettled, it’s a good time to get a glimpse into the recesses of our hearts by what we SAY, so that afterwards, you can help us see hidden sin. It’s probably our biggest blind spot.}

7. We sabotage his efforts by our actions. If we don’t like his decisions, we go around him. We find a loophole. We let the kids wear this when dad’s not around, because he’s so old school. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him!

8. We speak before we think, and we speak our whole mind. That’s just one of those things we struggle with! We blurt whatever comes into our minds. Oopsie! He’ll be fine. He’s a man, not a turtle with no shell, for heavens sake!

9. We fail in marital intimacy. If we don’t feel loved, he can forget it! We withhold s*x. Have you thought that through? What’s a godly guy supposed to do when his wife won’t make love to him? Think about that for a moment. Let the options sink in. You don’t cause him to sin, but you are tempting him by neglect.

10. We steal his good name. Instead of being known “in the gates” he’s known as that guy with the “battering ram” wife, or the “poor guy” who has to deal what her.

Or we complain about him to our girlfriends. Or worse, our mother.

11. We fail to be his friend. Most guys just want to see their wife happy. They want a side-by-side life friend. So, they marry their best friend. That’s what he thought, at least.

12. We fait to love him with 1 Cor. 13 love. We tried to love him, really we did, but now all we’re left with is “our list.” Our list of all the years of hurt, failures and disappointments. And today’s hurt is not a singular incident. It’s all connected to the looong string of other offenses, and we have the ability to produce that list at an alarming rate. A split second really and it can be rolling off our tongues. We’re excellent memorizers like that.

SO, OKAY—Of course, this list is ridiculous and none of us would actually do these crazy things.

But if we did happen to find that one or two of these things may come close to describing us {choke, cough} or maybe you have a friend who does all of these things,

what’s the next step? How do we avoid this destructive behavior?

Simply put: apply the gospel that saved you as the gospel that CAN and will sanctify you.


Drop the tendency to give up because of past failure. Don’t go there, to that old familiar poor-me zone. That’s a hopeless perspective.

And drop the self-determined stuff. I know you’re a go-getter and once you realize your failure, you’ll start printing out 30-day challenges about not criticizing your husband or becoming the Pinterest perfect wife. Your heart needs a makeover and that’s the rub. The gospel is the remedy, not self-determination.

Exhibit A: Titus 2. It’s the Christian woman’s to-do and to-be list. But all that unrealized goodness can leave us feeling deflated. Thankfully, verse 11 gives us a place to hang our hope of ever changing:

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people,

training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age,

waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ,

who gave himself for us {that’s the gospel!}

to redeem us from all lawlessness {that’s why he saved us}

and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.{that’s what He’s going to do with us and through us!}

The gospel that saves, is the gospel that changes. When you fail, look to the cross and remember where you were, the love of Jesus Christ that rescued you and the POWER that He gives you when you look to HIM to sanctify and remake you.

Looking always unto Jesus!

15 thoughts on “12 Ways Women Tear Down Their Husband Without Knowing It.”

  • Please please help. that is me you wrote about in the above post. I didnt know that what I do actually tears him down. He complains that dont respect him but I tell him he is just too sensitive for his own good. May God help me change, I dont want to be a monster.

    • Hello, Trish. Thanks for stopping by. I don’t talk about this topic often but April at the Peaceful Wife talks about this constantly. If you are looking for guidance, I would check out her whole site! 🙂 She’s a gem. God bless you!!

  • My wife is a hypocrite. She builds an image as the perfect wife and mother to her friends, church members and especially the Pastor and wife, but she is neither a friend, helper or wife to me. Nobody would believe me if I told them the person she is in public is the exact opposite at home. Nearly 15 years of this and with God seemingly only saying “Please hold…” I have thought of ending my life many times. Only two things prevent me – I love my kids and I don’t want to end up in hell, but life is Hell anyway.

    • Bob, please, please go talk to your pastor. I’m sure he’s seen this before and maybe he could point you to someone you could talk to. Ending your life wouldn’t solve anything and your kids do really need you. Even if your wife never changes, perhaps you could gain some support and outside perspective. I’m so sorry you have such a hard time. If you don’t find someone to talk to, would you let me know and, with your permission, I will connect you to a good guy you can talk to. God bless you!

      • Thank you for your kind words Sarah. I have approached a Godly, fatherly pastor in another church for counseling. I did not go to the pastor of my church because his wife has a problem with keeping things private and confidential. And you are right. It looks like I am the one who has to change. I hate it, my flesh is weak, but it looks like there is no choice. Not saying that for the sake of sounding like a martyr, but simple fact is if the mountain won’t move, I have to be the one to move. Besides, my kids love me deeply. It’s just sometimes…. it gets so very hard to live life.

  • This is so helpful! I would like to have permission to print and make copies to distribute to our ladies as part of our Bible study this week on biblical womanhood. What do I need to do?

  • Thank you for this blog.I saw myself more than I like to admit.Now to allow God to do His work.

  • Sarah, I think each of those count as ways that husbands can tear down wives as well, and your suggestions at the end would be good advice for those husbands too.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.