February 28, 2013

How to Mentor Others {and Benefit from Being Mentored.}

This article, Where are all the Titus 2 Women has deeply resonated with my readers. We’re continuing this discussion today.

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A mentoring friendship is one of those relationships that needs to be handled with care.

I’ve been mentored and I’ve mentored others I wanted to share a few things I’ve learned about being a good mentor to a younger woman and about finding a good mentor for yourself.

Be a Good Mentor

emma-and-harriet-reading-eltons-riddle1 — Emma advises Harriet to refuse Robert Martin, believing that this was the right course of action. In the end, her advice was misguided and Harriet and Robert Martin marry.

1. Know what your mentee wants. Does she want spiritual help? Accountability for a specific struggle? Does she want to read a book together? Bible study? Ask her about her expectations. Really listen.

2. Set goals and present a strategy. How long will this last? Determine what needs to be accomplished and present a strategy, providing an ending date. Perhaps you’ll meet once a week for six weeks. Maybe eight. Determine when and where you’ll meet and for how long. Be respectful of each others time. Be creative if you are busy: “Hey, lets meet for 45 minutes after church.” or “I have an hour on Wednesday. Let’s meet up for coffee to chat.” or “Want to talk as we go to the grocery store together?”

Tell her that you’ll hold her accountable to do the work and to be faithful. You’re building character and modeling good use of time by sticking to goals.

3. Be faithful to expose wrong patterns in behavior and thinking. Wrong beliefs beget wrong behavior. Many of our own struggles are the rooted in wrong beliefs about God. For instance, we believe that God doesn’t really care if we obey halfheartedly as long as we try, so we fool ourselves into thinking that unloving behavior to one person is justified by my loving behavior to so many other people. Or that God will overlook my sin because I have an certain temperament.

As believers, we know that lasting joy comes when we agree with God and call our sin what it is, humble ourselves and get help and then change. But in our anything goes culture, submission to Jesus Christ is viewed as oppressive, archaic, or puritanical. So the messages we hear daily reinforce that belief.

We need to examine our thoughts and the voices we are listening to and test them against Scripture. We need to call our sin what it is: a willful choice to rule and run our life outside the laws of Christ.

1 Timothy 4:7 says to “Train yourself to be godly” and as a Christian woman and mentor, we need to model and encourage others to get rid of anything that sidetracks us from the pursuit of God and holiness.

We also need to lay aside any weight–those things that are not sinful, but not helping us grow spiritually.

4. Realize that the goal is for her to conquer her “sin/problem” and depend on God.

Set an ending date because the last thing you want is for anyone to become dependent on you when they should be growing in dependence to the Lord. Always point your mentee to Christ and to the Word. Celebrate His supremacy and encourage her to do the same. Remind her to renew her mind via scripture memorization.

5. Pray for wisdom. You are dealing with someone else’s life here. Don’t give pat answers or your own opinions. Listen for what she’s struggling with right then, enter into her problem with her and offer hope. Give help from scripture. Sometimes women just need friendship and not counsel and that is okay, too. Plan to be flexible and honest and say, “Hey, ya know, it sounds like you’re just really lonely right now. Do you want to do lunch next week and coffee up?”

How do you find an effective mentor for yourself?

1. Find someone who displays integrity and faithfulness in the area you are lacking. If you are looking to tame your tongue, find the older woman who is consistently wise and kind with her words. Marital help? Find find a woman who loves and respects her husband. Weight help? Find the woman who has displayed self control in her eating and exercise habits. Spiritual direction? Find the woman that honors the Scripture by displaying godly wisdom in attitude, speech, and lifestyle, and ask for her advice.

2. Be specific and honest about your need. Don’t sugar coat the truth. Denial of or down playing will only slow down your progress. Tell her what your goals are.

3. Realize that this woman is doing you a favor. Be teachable and humble. Be open minded if she suggests things you disagree with. Don’t argue. Listen and learn. Sometimes we are blind to our own shortcomings and needs. Humility assumes that another person knows more than you do. Pride tells us that we know it all.

4. Do your homework. If it is a lesson, complete it. If you need to journal, do it.

5. Be respectful of her time. Thank her for giving of herself to you. Consider giving her a treat when you are done. (Gift cards are great– Dunkin Donuts, Marshalls, etc..)

Here are some of my all time favorite self-help books. They’re great for mentoring:

Women