Tag Archive for parenting

Generation ME

October 27, 2011 Sarah 5 comments

My husband and I were challenged at a youth workers conference to read a book entitled Generation Me: Why  Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled- and More Miserable Than Ever Before. Weird thing was, that I actually had checked that very book out of the library and brought on the plane to read on the way to the conference. Spooky!

Generation Me is a look at the current state of teens (actually up to age 30 because apparently they never grow up now a days.)

Author Jean Twenge did research by comparing standardized personality questionnaires given to college students which have been  used by personality psychologists since the 1950′s.  The questions remained the same all these years, but she found that the answers to the questions shifted dramatically . She decided to compare the answers given in the 50′s to the answers given by todays college kids. And she went on to document this shift in this incredible book.

The teens raised by those whose parents went through the Depression Era had a totally different mindset than the kids of today. They did things for the benefit of the entire family. Kids today have been taught to do things to please themselves. Fifty years ago, it was not uncommon for men to worked dead end jobs to keep food on their families tables. The mindset around work today is to be personally fulfilled–and if we are not, we move on.  Back then, families stayed together more often because it was better for the kids. Today, if parents aren’t happy, they do what is best for themselves.

I won’t give too much of the book away, because if you are a parent, you really should read this–although this is not a book to leave lying around on the coffee table or to let your children loose on. It contains several graphic examples of just how far our teens have come. :/

What was disturbing to me was the fact that I could see myself in so many of the attitudes of the current generation. And I didn’t even realize it. And when you read this book, you discover how incredibly selfish we have raised our kids to be. Years ago, instilling self esteem was  a big concern among mothers. Today’s children, however, have always been told how amazing they really are. And they believe it. And that is where is gets scary.

Colossians 2:8

See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.

Even when we are drenching our minds with scripture, we still pick up the vain philosophies of this world.

We are bombarded with these messages every day. When my girls were little, they used to participate in a little violin performance to raise money for a scholarship fund at the music school they attended. On the brochure, it said “Twinkle, Twinkle, You’re a Star.” I informed my girls that they were not stars, but servants of others,  and that to have that kind of mindset is selfish. Oh yes. I am THAT kind of mother.

Consider these messages and then weigh them with scripture.

Be your own boss! –Submit one to anther.

You Can Be Anything You Want to Be–I know the plans I have for  you.

The greatest love of all is to love yourself.–Love your God first and then your neighbor.

Indulge!–Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me.

Be Strong!–When I am weak, then I am strong.

Stand Up for Your Rights!– Turn the other cheek. If sued for your shirt, give to them your coat also.

I Don’t Get Mad, I Get Even!– Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you…turn the other cheek.

Do What’s Right for You!– Let us consider one another.

Do What Makes You Happy–If you love me, you’ll keep my commandments. I do the will of my Father.

My husband also agreed, that he could see some of these tendencies in himself, and we both had parents who had taught us otherwise. It seeped in, despite the best of teaching. So, I would encourage you today to evaluate the messages we accept, even unknowingly, and weigh them with scripture.

As believers, we need to be loving God and serving others, and I think that if we thought about ourselves a whole lot less than all of those slogans above encouraged us to do, we would have less time to think of  ME, ME, ME and  more time to serve others well.

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A One Size Fits All Parenting Tip

October 5, 2011 Sarah 3 comments

Yesterday we talked about the one size fits all parenting strategy that  God prescribes for us in Psalm 78.  here  We are to teach our kids about God’s mighty acts, so that they will remember to hope in God and to obey Him.

I don’t know about you, but I easily forget things.

I am a huge list maker. If it doesn’t get written down, it doesn’t get done.

So, to me, this whole concept of remembering to teach in everyday life is something that I need to work to achieve.

I write myself reminders. I post scripture. I use other mind prompts, because I know that I am so prone to forget.

And I don’t want to forget, because when we forget to teach our children, they loose their grounding and their hope.

Just like when Israel failed to live and teach what God prescribed. They lost their grounding, and headed into sin.

They complained, craved things God didn’t want them to have, wallowed in self pity, distrusted and falsely accused God.

They focused on their :

  • past- “Remember what we used to eat in Egypt,” instead of focusing on the blessing and provision of daily mana from God.
  • problems- “We have no water!” instead of remembering the God who provided water in a dessert and from a rock.
  • desires- “We want meat,” and then questioned God’s power by asking “Can God spread a table in the wilderness?” instead of praising Him all that He had provided and trusting in His presence.
  • idols- Even though they had seen God part the Red Sea, provide food that rained from heaven and water from a rock, they still worshipped idols of stone, wood and gold–not to mention their own lusts.

God gives us an inside look into their hearts while they were acting this way: (Ps. 78:32,36)

In spite of of all this, they still sinned: despite his wonders, they did not believe.

But they flattered him with their mouths; they lied to him with their tongues: Their heart was not steadfast toward him, and they were not faithful to his covenant.

They sinned. Did not believe. Flattered. Lied. Wavered. Unfaithful. Not a pretty picture of God’s people, is it?

Today, we may not crave meat and water, and we may not serve idols of gold and wood, but I believe that many times we are still like the Israelites.

We  dwell on our  problems, we cling to what we crave , spend inordinate amounts of time worshipping our “idols”– money, success, power, respect, friends, etc… instead of setting our hope in God and his goodness.

And when we cling to anything but God, usually God disciplines us, sometimes by allowing us to have what we actually desire (which can be scary) or by taking away all of the things we are grasping for.

I love Romans 8:32 .” He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?”

Our heart skips a little beat when we read this, knowing that God delights to give us good things. Good, we think, expecting the “good things” to be the things we desire and crave, as though God is some genie or magician ready to do our bidding.

But, what happens when the “things” that God gives us includes  trials and withholding things that we desperately want?

I love this quote from Lydia Brownback’s book Contentment. “Can we not be content if part of the “all things” includes some withholding? For the daughter of God, any withholding is itself a provision, and we can experience it with joy when we know that the withholder loves us.”

and ” Sometimes we get the wrong idea about how God satisfies us. He doesn’t come to us on our terms, taking the role of a surrogate for the things or the relationship we lack. HE comes in place of those things, giving us something even better.”

God always gives us what is good for us. And instead of worrying or despairing, fuming or complaining, let’s thank Him and lead our children to thank Him as well.

So, today, REMEMBER to teach your children about the wonders of God. This should be part of our everyday talk.  Tell them how He has helped you personally. Tell them of your answered prayer and His faithfulness. Don’t let your home be a place of “poor me” stories and  an “if only” legacy. Leave your children a vibrant heritage of a hope in their personal, loving God.

 

Linked to Courtney

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Teach Your Children To Hope In God

October 4, 2011 Sarah One comment

Do you sometimes wonder, “What on earth am I doing?” when it comes to child training?

There are so many tools and formulas for parents out there, and it can be a little overwhelming trying to keep up with every aspect of child raising.

As a mom of five, I can tell you that each child is different and each will require wisdom as you disciple and discipline them.

But one aspect of motherhood is the same for all of your children.

In Psalm 78, we are told to tell our children (and our grandchildren) something and then we are given the reason why we are to tell them. Ahhh. I  like it when I am given “concretes” for parenting.

The Psalmist tells us to tell our children of the wonderful works and mighty acts of God:  Ps 78: 4-8(selected parts)

The things that we have seen and known, that our father’s have told us (oral, 1st hand history lesson)

We will not hide them from their children,

But tell to this coming generation, the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and the wonders that he has done.

That the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn,

Here comes the why:

so that they should set their hope in God,

and not forget the works of God,

but keep his commandments,

and that they should not be like their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation, whose heart was not steadfast, whose spirit was not faithful to God.

The Israelites were famous for forgetting God. They were famous for being in bondage because of their sin, and for their idolatry. God is warning us NOT to be like the Israelites in this passage,  but to remember all of the blessings of God and to tell them to our children.

So choose to remember all of the blessings and good things your God has done for you! And then tell them to your children! Praise God to your children, and then later on, to your grandchildren. Don’t pass along all of the “trials” and poor me stories, leaving your children wondering where God was in all of your misery. If you tell of trials, tell of the Redeemer who brought you through the trial.

Charles Spurgeon once said that we are all to prone to engrave our trials in marble and our blessings in the sand, and that is exactly what the Israelites did, and what we do not want to do!

Read part two here

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Is Your Child Delusional?

August 8, 2011 Sarah 4 comments

If you have ever spent time with young children, you quickly realize that every child is under a delusion. It is the delusion that life should work their way.

It begins in the toddler years, when a one cherub wants a toy that the other one has. They take it, because they want it and believe they should have it. They fight, hit and bite when another child takes the toy back, because of course, he wanted it too.

Toddlers are under a delusion. They believe that they should have what they want, when they want it, and how they want it.

You see, each child believes that they are a little king and that life in their imaginary kingdom should work the way that they want it to. They have no higher agenda than their own personal happiness. They have selfish demands and they’ll do whatever it takes to feed those desires. Pouting, tantrums, hitting and anger are all ways that they manipulate to get their own way. They are self serving and want others to serve them as well(by the way, I am not just picking on toddlers. Many adults act this way too, unfortunately-minus the biting.)

They are building little kingdoms for themselves and it is our job to teach them to build God’s kingdom.

2 Corinthians 5:14-15 teaches us that God died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised.

Every action of selfishness and self serving needs to be confronted with the gospel. We were once serving sin and self, but now we are serving another King. If we try to explain their behavior away or worse, if we give into their demands, we are actually cementing them into their own delusion.

It is easy in the mundane to fail to see the bigger picture behind our kids bad/sinful behavior.

  • Sin causes all of us to be self focused and self oriented, instead of God and others focused.
  • Sin causes us to want others to love us as much as we love ourselves, instead of being humble and loving God and others first.
  • Sin causes us to view people as either a “way to get what we want” or an obstacle “in the way of what we want.”

Don’t just look at your child’s negative behavior and scold about that. Look deeper. Ask them what they loved most when they decided to sin. Ask them why they thought that sinning to get what they wanted was okay. Whose kingdom are they trying to advance?

Moms, especially if you have teens, these discussions should be frequent as you disciple your teen daughter or son. Help them to understand their own heart. Let them know that you understand their struggle, because it is also your own struggle. Weeding out our sinful desires is part of the sanctification process.

Linked to Courtney here

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A Little Trick I’ve Learned By Homeschooling

April 26, 2011 Sarah Beals 12 comments

Because I have five children and home school them all, I have learned a little survival trick in life. This trick is called “zoning out.”

Incase you are not a “zoner”, let me tell you how this works. My kids will be incessantly talking to me or trying to show me something (usually two of them at a time) while I am already doing a gazillion things at once. To the untrained eye, I appear to be listening, nodding now and then and giving an obligatory “ah-ha”, but in truth, I am in the zone…zoned out, that is.

I have to tell you that I really hate this about myself.

I want to be all there for my kids.

Children need attention, and relationships are built on times of undivided attention.

I love my kids and want them to know that I am their biggest cheerleader, but somehow when I am “in the zone” I am sending them the message that they are bothering me, just plain boring or worse, that I am totally uninterested in their little lives.

I am my child’s first teacher. Their first impressions about life and their worth come from me. The way that I respond to them verbally and non verbally sends LOUD messages about their value to me and  as a human being. And sometimes when I am not thinking,(aka zoned) the messages that I send are not the messages I want them to learn.

For example, say your little guy runs up to you with a fist full of your geraniums that you planted (and really did not want picked bare.)  Your response/reaction sets a tone for your relationship. When you are “in the zone”, you would most likely just react. You  scold. But most likely this little human being was expressing affection and was  looking for a warm response in return. Of course, you would have seen that if you had been “all there.” He was  relating to you and sharing with you. You can replace a geranium, but you may not ever be able to recover the heart after sharp words are spoken. (Direction and instruction about not picking planted flowers can come later.)

The atmosphere of the home should be warm, welcoming and accepting of the whole child, and this does not happen when I am zoned out.

Zoning out sends the message that we are uninterested when we should actively  encourage creativity, even at an early age, by praising their little attempts and  by telling them how much we appreciate the fact that they shared it with us. We should listen to their stories and ideas. Listening to and caring about what your child values endears you to them and sets up an atmosphere of trust in the home.

Does your child feel free to try something new and fail? Do you hover over your child’s projects to make sure they “do it right.” Mistakes should be expected. None of us are perfect. If failure is a big deal with mom, they will not risk it.  Anytime your child shares with you, either a thought or a project, they are relating. They are looking to you for love and acceptance.

“Mommy, look at the paper dolls I made.”

“Mommy, listen to this song I learned on my violin.”

“Look at how high I can jump in these sneakers.”

“Do you like my picture, Mom?”

“Does my hair look all right?”

“Does this shirt look okay on me?”

The response that you give and the tone in which it is delivered speaks volumes.

“OH MY, those dolls are lovely.”

“What a smartie you are on that violin.”

“Wow, that IS a high jump!”

“Creativity needs an audience, some appreciation, the response of another human being.” Edith Schaeffer.

No matter how dumb the project or thought, a child should never be told they are stupid. Insulting or humiliating a child could close a door to that child’s heart that may never be opened to you again. (And if you do say something that hurts your child, by all means, ask forgiveness. Restore the relationship. They have feelings too!)

“The human being looking for understanding needs to find it at this moment. The need for sharing …needs response. The spark must meet another spark or the fire dies out and dark discouragement can flood in.”

Edith Schaeffer

If you are a distracted or zoned out mom like I can tend to be, let me share how I regroup and refocus:

  • Place reminders for yourself around the house, on the fridge, or near the sink where you wash dishes.  Mine currently say “ Only speak words that make souls stronger.” and “Every day is a little Life.”  and “Speak only what builds others up, and ministers grace to the hearer.”
  • Think of not having your child. We don’t have any guarantees, you know. Then thank God for the day that you do have, and live it fully with your child.
  • Realize that someday you will be alone in your house with all the quiet your heart can take…but for now, invest in your kids hearts.

Disclaimer:

There ARE times when a mother needs quiet time for herself! I am not talking about being totally child centered to the point of exhaustion and neglect of the mother.

When the kids were little, and I couldn’t get out as easily, we use to sit on the couches with books and all read or do puzzles quietly for a half hour. Other times Peter would watch the kids so I could go out and have some “sanity time.” I would go to a coffee shop, antiquing or out to lunch with a friend. My little time out and about made me a better person all around and I was refreshed and ready to jump back into life. I was ready to be all there for my kids again.

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Grace When You’ve Blown It.

April 23, 2011 Sarah Beals One comment

Have you ever really blown it?

I mean, really blown it? You fight with your spouse, or spew hurtful words to the kids you’ve spent your life nurturing and caring for. You wish you could reboot your day and start all over again and take it all back. But you can’t. You feel mean and ugly and disgusting inside.  You loathe yourself.

This is when you run for grace. To the cross of Jesus Christ. Because grace is for sinners like you and me.

On the cross, Jesus died for all of my ugliness. He took the payment I deserved.

The payment for sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ…

God loved me so much, that He gave His one and only Son,His spotless perfect Son, to die a death He didn’t deserve, so that I would not get what I had coming to me. I deserved hell because I was a God hater and a sinner by choice. I chose the  sin and loved the sin. But now there was no working the sin off. No paying for it myself. My good works can never undo my bad works.  You can choose the sin, but you can’t choose the consequences.
But…

Ephesians 2: 4-9

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,  made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions–it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved,through faith–and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God–  not by good works, so that no one can boast.

He died to save me from myself. All I have to do is cling. To trust Him and depend on Him for the grace and mercy He offers.

I am  a debtor. I am in awe of this amazing grace.

Do you have questions about whether you are right with God? Let me encourage you visit this site or contact me. I would love to talk to you about trusting in Jesus Christ.

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