Tag Archive for parenting teens

The Battle Called Motherhood, and No More Picnicking in War Zones

September 17, 2012 Sarah Beals 6 comments

I have seen a lot of parenting, good, bad and ugly in twenty years of youth ministry alongside of Peter.

I have grieved over the callous ways moms speak to their kids, and I have observed as a bystander, the child’s head hanging a little lower after a parent’s cold, callous remarks.

I have also been that mother myself.

I’ve sat with parents who are grieving over bad choices–irreparable choices–their kids have made, and I’ve comforted moms who lament that they wish they had done things differently.

I have made my own share of mistakes.

And I ask myself why.

Why do parents end up with kids that look so differently than what they expected?

Weren’t there warning signs along the way?

Any red flags?

What went wrong?

I don’t have all the answers, and I haven’t done things perfectly myself. But I do know that to raise children “God’s way”, we’ve got to actually keep God’s ways before us.

This post is a wake up call for mothers who are in the battle called motherhood right now. 

You heard me right– Battle, because that’s what this is. Ask any serious mother–she’ll tell you that sometimes at the end of the day she feels drained emotionally, physically and mentally and spiritually.

Motherhood is no picnic or some convoluted walk in the park. It is war. We are battling for the hearts and minds of our kids.

We are just saying no and are staving off enemies that masquerade as good things.

We are on the front lines, and we are under-supported and under-appreciated.

We feel alone. But we aren’t. There is One who sees all and knows your struggle. And He is the one handing out rewards at the end.

Sometimes I wonder if we moms are delusional- living in a fantasy world–like packing up a family picnic and spreading your blanket in a war zone.

Have you ever met anyone who was living in a dream world? Maybe it was your own toddler who tried to introduce you to their imaginary friend, Simon. Or perhaps it was a shell shocked veteran who was still re-living the horrors of war.

You look at them kinda funny because they just aren’t seeing reality.

Imagine your husband plans a picnic for you and your family. He carefully packs a yummy lunch, a frisbee and a kite and proceeds to take you into the middle of a war zone.

He says “Let’s sit here. This looks like a great spot.”

You look at him in disbelief because you know that sitting here means certain death. You say, “This is really no place for a picnic.” He insists that there is no danger. He has seen people online do it and they looked like they had fun. He tells you to loosen up and stop being so negative. You let him know that he’s lost his mind that that you and YOUR kids will not be eating lunch in the middle of a war zone.

Absurd scenario? Absolutely.

But that is exactly what we do when we let down our guard in this culture and absorb its values. We are sitting ducks in a war zone and then we are leftshell shocked, wondering how our kids got hurt.

I think I need a world-view shake up; a mommy spanking of sorts:

What is reality?

Do you know?

Reality is the truth about life.

Truth is not what I believe it to be, and it is not what you believe it to be. Truth is non-negotiable.

The truth about life is that God exists and rules all things including his creation. (that’s you and me.) God also expect things from us. He is holy and sinless, and when we sin, we are answerable to Him. If we do not accept his free gift of grace, his Son Jesus Christ’s substitutionary payment for our sins, we will be found guilty at the judgement.

You might say, I don’t really like that. I don’t believe it. Again, I am sorry about that because that is indeed truth according to the Bible. That is reality.

As Christian women, we sometimes live a delusional life, and this is where we fall. We are holding our children’s hands and leading them along the delusional life; the life where God is not central, but peripheral. 

We are delusional when we believe that life is a picnic, instead of a war.

We are delusional when we focus on temporal things instead of eternal things, firmly plant our hearts here on earth to the neglect of heavenly things.

We are delusional when we underestimate Satan. {insert eye roll}  If you are like me, you hate it when people talk about “Satan” like he is constantly around every corner and trying to make us fall. I have been guilty of this “oh please, so weird” attitude myself.

As much as I hate to admit it, this is the plan of Satan.

Satan WANTS to make us believe the exact opposite of what scripture teaches. Satan wants us delusional about his ways and tactics. He wants us to think he is a harmless, red horned imaginary creature who does naughty things.

He wants us to believe that our kids are immune to problems, they are really good in heart and that their choices are harmless.

He wants us to underestimate OUR own capability for wickedness.

He wants us to allow our kids to engage in the baser things of the culture.

He deceives us into thinking that our choices are amoral, when in fact every choice is bringing them closer or farther away from God.

He wants us to thing that we can coast through life instead of battling the flesh.

Satan is a liar and a deceiver. The end.

That is why it is imperative to be in the Word of God daily. Reading and applying God’s word takes us through the war zone. It reminds us not to get comfy there, because it is not where we belong. It reminds us to guard our hearts, keep our eyes up, and to watch and pray.

His word is reality.
Reality is:
  • that His people will be different. Not conformed. Distinctive. Holy. You and your kids.We need to ask ourselves whether our lives reflect Christ’s holiness, or if we’ve become SO absorbed by this world that we are really no different.
  • that God’s people are not God’s people in word only. Remember the Israelites? They were all under the cloud and watch-care of God, but God was fed up with their hearts that were “far from Him.”  He is all set with our lip service and ritualism.
  • He seeks humble followers.
  • He expects obedience.
  • He commands us to love others, and to represent Him accurately.
  • When He says no to certain sins: anger, gossip, envy, jealousy, hate, division, you’d better believe that His no means no.
  •  He is no respecter of persons, no matter how big or above the law you think you are in your own eyes.
  • He wants contrite hearts and a reverence for His word.
  • He wants us to realize that He is big and we are pretty small in the grand scheme of things.
He needs mothers that will answer the call to righteous living in their home.
He needs us to do right. Period. Not compromise or blend in or take on the values around us.
And if we are His followers, and if He is our Lord and Savior, our lives need to reflect His,
And we need to teach our children,
His children, actually, 
His ways and His word.
Christian Parenting , ,

Does God Care About Your Teen’s Facebook Page?

July 30, 2012 Sarah Beals 8 comments

{Note: I have been praying about when to unveil this post and I believe now is the time. Anytime you swim against the flow of everyday Christianity, you risk being labeled judgmental. So I know going in that this post will be labeled narrow minded, legalistic, etc…and I am willing to risk that. Also know that I am parenting four teens right now and have to practice what I preach, myself. This is not easy.}

Christian Parenting is No Picnic.

Sometimes the truth hurts. Temporarily. Like a band-aid being ripped off quickly. But in the end, the band aid has to come off so we can deal with what lies underneath.

The truth is that christian parenting is not easy because we have to call things the way God calls them. And the ugly truth is that many times we love our children more than we love God.

When we make excuses for our children’s sin, we are showing where our true loyalty lies…and it isn’t with Christ.

I fear that many Christian mothers are blinded by “mother love.” I know as a mom it is easy to want to believe the best about my kids because I love them. We excuse bad behavior and get irritated when other people dare to correct our cherubs.

We go along our merry way, parenting our kids like we are at a picnic, when in reality we are in the middle of a war zone.

The Christian life is hard and Christian parenting is hard. Why? Because we have to say no to self and teach our kids to say NO to self. This goes against our natural man.

Mothers have always been at risk of making their children little idols.

Sometimes mother love morphs into something insidious and out of balance. When you start excusing your children’s bad behavior {sin} and explaining it away, you know you’ve made an idol out of your child.

Mothers everywhere: We need to agree with God’s word about sin. EVEN.IN.OUR.OWN.CHILDREN.

How do you do that? Being in God’s word. Knowing yourself and your own temptations. And then realizing that you gave birth to a little sinner just.like yourself.

It’s nothing personal…it’s a family thing. :)

I am going to pick on Facebook for a minute. Facebook itself is amoral. It is a blank slate that can be used for good or evil and depending what is inside of you, that is what comes out on FB.

Imagine that one day you are on line and you notice that your husband posts a new pic to his FB profile. You click on over to check it out. You notice that it is a picture of him and a female coworker at lunch. They are sitting in a booth, and he has his arm around her and she is sitting cozily next to him. They are sharing this moment with the whole FB world.

Is there a problem with this?

Yes, of course. There is a purity problem AND a the VERY LEAST, there is an “avoidance of evil” problem.

Your husband has just posted a pic that leads eveyone to believe that he is carrying on SOME sort of close/physical relationship with someone who is not his wife.

Why did I give this hypothetical? Because every wife reading this can see this one “crystal clear” when it is our husbands….but not when it is our kids.

We need to be mindful of the “avoidance of evil” principle in scripture. And we need to pray for “eyes wide open” when it comes to dealing with our kids’ sin.

It is disheartening to see pictures of Christian young people posing with their boyfriends on pillows as though they are in bed. OR in groups of five or six kids laying on beds together in provocative poses. This is not avoiding the appearance of evil.

It is repulsive to see two girls licking/kissing each other?? {not sure what this trend is and I am sure I don’t want to know}

It is unwholesome and immodest for a Christian girl to be posing in her bikini as though she is on the front of the cover of some adult magazine.

If your kids are posing like gangsters, rappers, outlaws or other rebellious portions of society, is that representing Christ’s character properly?

Does God care about our kids FB pages and pictures? I think He does.

He has called us to be holy. I am not saying that kids shouldn’t have fun. But fun does not need to be sinful.

If your kids pics look unholy in some manner, would you consider addressing this with them?

For the sake of Christ, make them take them down, or deactivate the FB account all together.

And, just for clarification, the issue is not that you should be embarrassed that someone saw your kids doing something ungodly. If that is your first concern, you are showing that you are more concerned about your own reputation and image. No, be concerned that your child is not walking in the way that would please God. That they are actually walking contrary to scripture. THAT is the issue.

God’s glory is at stake in your kids pics.

When we dismiss their behavior as “typical teenage behavior” we are not helping them spiritually–we are harming them spiritually. Typical might be typical for he world around us, but sinful is never typical for a Christian.

Normal Christian behavior is that which is growing in holiness and love for the Savior who bought you with His precious blood. We are not our own, we are bought with a price, and we are to glorify this God in our bodies and spirit.

I recently read this young college students status on FB. I was very much encouraged to see this kind of boldness in a teen boy. He writes:

I’m sorry, I know it’s lame to rant on facebook, but I am repulsed by many of my friends who call themselves followers of Christ. Every time I look on facebook, I am blasted with sin. Many of my friends who are “good Christians” are posting foul language, sensual pictures, utterly repulsive forms of worship, etc. Christ doesn’t leave your life at the doorstep of church! But as He which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in ALL manner of conversation! (conversation: lifestyle) I am brought to tears by the debauchery being posted by Christians for all the world to see, people proudly displaying anti-Biblical lifestyles in public. If you are unashamed of your sin so as to display it and bring dishonor to the spotless Lamb of God, do not associate yourself with anything Christian. God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. Stop posting lyrics from the devil’s music. Stop adorning yourselves with promiscuous clothing. Stop displaying an anti-God lifestyle. How long will God put up with our licentiousness? Did not Christ die to free you from your sins? Does not He that was slain deserve to receive the reward of His suffering? When will we understand that Christ didn’t die on the cross for us to social drink? to listen to the devil’s music? to watch filth? to use our tongues to spread guile? My Christian friends, if Christ turned over the tables of the temple because they were molesting the worship of God, what would He do to your facebook page?

These truths don’t just apply to FB. It applies to all of life: our kids gaming habits, viewing habits, music choices, friendship choices.

Sometimes saying Yes to God means saying No to other things.

Let’s value God and his word more than what our kids want or desire. WE are the parent. We are the teachers. If we ignore sin in our own kids lives, we are responsible.

Christian Parenting , , , ,

Protecting Your Kids By Just Saying NO.

July 9, 2012 Sarah Beals 16 comments

This past week we enjoyed our first camping trip as a family. One day we took a five mile bike ride on the Cape Cod Bike Trail that led us into the quaint little town of Orleans. We were thrilled to come upon an awesome coffee shop called The Hot Chocolate Sparrow.

Bike ride in Cape Cod.

When I tell you this place was AWESOME, it was! Homemade candy, ice cream, pastries, a barista whirling up all kinds of frozen coffee drinks, wifi access, soups, sandwiches and…

a rack of greeting cards with some of the most unimaginable filth on the front of them right in the middle of all that coffee shop goodness.

Peter and I both commented that we live in a world that has gone stark, raving mad.

 

We are the kind of parents who protect our kids from as much trash as we can. We ban, we shield, we block, we say NO.  

This translates into our kids not playing the latest video games, or seeing current blockbuster movies, listening to current music and limited internet access. Why? Because we like to be mean and say no?

No, because Sometimes what is best for our child’s long-term good means that in the short term we do the hard, unpopular thing. (<—Click to Tweet) I am not called to be my child’s friend at all costs, although that will eventually come. I am called to guide them. Parenting means that I might have to be the bad guy for a time.

I used to feel badly for the kids in Muslim ruled countries who were surrounded by death and car bombs, jihad and beheadings as part of their normal lives. This was just the culture they live in, poor kids.

But I now feel badly for American kids who by CHOICE are allowed to watch these things as entertainment. Which is worse?

We don’t feed our kids’ bodies trash, and we refuse to feed their spirits trash either.

S*x on the TV and in movies seems to be our cultures norm. In fact, there is a feeding frenzy for the most disturbing, twisted junk imaginable. (Don’t believe me? See how much p*rn is created each year vs. wholesome children’s movies. And if you really want to be disturbed, realize that much of that is child p*rn.)

And it doesn’t end there. Dysfunctional topics like glorified revenge, sexual perversions, violence and morbid themes in our kids “games” and “entertainment” are flooding the market. (Why this fascination with zombies and vampires, death and the occult. Aren’t kids games supposed to be happy and fun?)

Some facts from Common Sense Media:

  • Media violence is especially damaging to children under 8 because they cannot easily tell the difference between real life and fantasy (American Academy of Pediatrics, 1995).
  • Research indicates that when they are exposed to media violence, kids can become more aggressive, become insensitive to violence, have more nightmares, and develop a fear of being harmed (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2001).
  • A sample of 77 PG-13-rated films included 2,251 violent actions, with almost half resulting in death (UCLA, 2007).

Filth on the front of magazines is as “normal” as choosing paper or plastic in the checkout lines. The topics on the front of these magazines should make any wholesome person blush. (I am one of those moms who turns inappropriate magazine covers in the check out lane at the grocery store when they are at eye level with my impressionable little ones. Then I complain to the store manager. )

Some studies say that up to 40% of kids are engaged in s*xting on their cell phones. Why does your 10-year-old need a smart phone again? Don’t get me wrong, I understand wanting them to have one from a safety standpoint, but what about their spiritual safety? In my day, we were concerned about predators stealing away kids in their vans and harming them. Now, the predator is just a text away on your kids cell phone.

How do you protect your kids from such junk? How do you stop your child from being pulled down the sewer of society’s norms and keep them wholesome?

1. Can I suggest that you turn off your television? Or seriously monitor it? There are so many other things in life your child could be doing.

2. Have your computer in a common area, where there is accountability. No computers, handhelds with internet access, or smart phones in bedrooms. End of discussion. Keep a basket on the counter for all handheld devices. Kids see more p*rn on their phones than on a computer. Our famous line is “We don’t trust the flesh, so we don’t make provisions for it.” This keeps it from being an “us” vs. “you” issue. We are all in the same boat.

3. Just say NO to violent, s*xual, or disturbing video games. Phil 4:8 gives us some guidelines:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.

And Proverbs 3:7

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.

You and your kids become what you are thinking about, and what you are thinking about is exposed in your entertainment choices.

4. Replace video entertainment with something wholesome. You can’t just say No and not offer an alternative. Take a walk, play a board game,  encourage a sport or hobby or just go do something as a family.  You are the parent, and you are responsible for what goes on in your home.

5. Pray for discernment. Really, if you are not sure, ask for wisdom from God. (James 1:5)

When your kids are begging because all their friends are doing it, pray for steadfastness to raise them in a way that would show that you care more about doing right before God as a parent than what your kid wants right now, what other parents say is fine, or what the culture thinks is normal.

In the end, you stand alone before God for the choices you made for your family.

Do you feel like your family is living counter culturally? What do you do to protect them at each stage?

(I use an asterisk in some word for those of you with family friendly filters set up.)

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