Archive for Wise Women In Ministry

Are You Dead? Check Your Tongue.

February 4, 2012 Sarah Beals One comment

We spend a lot of time and effort to make sure our physical bodies are healthy. We are taught to know our bodies and to be self aware when it comes to what our symptoms are telling us.

Our words can tell us a lot about our spiritual health: whether we are dead or thriving. And we should routinely self check our words to see how our heart is doing.

Words. We speak an abundance of them every day. James warns us that our tongue, left unchecked, has potential for great harm.

The tongue is the only thing that cannot fully be tamed. It is full of restless evil and deadly poison. It is a forest fire that leaves destruction in its path. Destruction that cannot easily be restored.

A hostile tongue has several companions that will also rear their ugly heads: (James 3:14)

  • bitter jealousy,
  • selfish ambition,
  • boasting,
  • lies,
  • disorder
  • and every vile practice.

James gives us his take:

If you think you are religious…
you claim it… by your words…
but you do not bridle your tongue…
you flatter some…you curse others…you blurt venom and hurt those made in God’s image…

You are self deceived…

you believe one thing about yourself, but are dead wrong

Your religion is worthless.
worth nothing…zero.

We speak a lot. We like to be heard. And we usually think we have the right to be heard. After all, what I have to say is important.  And yet God tells us that the truly wise person should show his wisdom:

  1. not by his words
  2. but by his good conduct, his works,
  3. the works done in meekness of wisdom.

The opposite of a brash, offensive, proud “double speak” tongue is

meekness. Humbleness.

And the way to get this type of tongue– and heart–is to submit yourself to God. (James 4:7)

You ask, how does an unruly tongue show that I am not submissive to God?

  1. Because it is a law breaker. God’s laws–namely the second great commandment and the golden rule. It believes it can “say” and get away with it.
  2. It shows that you are unhappy where God has put you, so you fight for your own advancement or for justice.
  3. You have this desire for something more:more control, more respect, more appreciation or understanding, and you fight and brawl to get it.

Our desires—->become our demands——> become our life dominating sins.

So God tells us that our desires must be held loosely realizing that HE IS IN CONTROL and will give us what we need.

The only way to live a victorious life and to get His grace is listed in James 4:6

  • Humble yourself. (Verses the proud position you were in. Not sure if you are proud? See this excellent resource.)
  • Submit yourself to God.
  • Resist the devil.
  • Draw near to God.
  • Cleanse your hands and purify your hearts.

It staggers my mind how quickly I can go from humble before God, to proud and demanding. Christianity is about daily death to self, so  that you can live unto God.  Each day, when you wake, thank God that He is in control of your already crucified flesh and then check to see that your old man is laying in that casket.

Do you need to put your old man back into the casket? Do a self check on your tongue–your words.

 

Christian living, Wise Women In Ministry

Where Are The Titus 2 Women? – Part 2

October 24, 2011 Sarah One comment

For whatever reason, Titus 2 mentoring brings a mix of emotions.  Fear and insecurity, on the part of the older women, and frustration on the part of the younger women, who are wondering why all of the older women are MIA.

I received a lot of feedback on my article “Where Are The Titus 2 Women” and I am hoping to answer some of the questions that seem to be plaguing you.

So, several thoughts.

You are older than someone. Think of it in terms of young children. Your eight year old learns to tie their shoe and in turn teaches your five year old the same skill. They don’t know much but they teach what they know.

You don’t have to teach everything. Nobody expects you to be a walking Biblical encyclopedia or the next Martha Stewart. But you can teach them something. Whether it is to rely on Christ and point them to Him, or to  teach them to pray. When you are going through hard times, just watching a Biblical response to trials and fear is the best lesson you can pass along.  Domestically, you can teach whatever you are good at: baking, crafting, floral arranging, etc…

Teach them that God is sovereign over their life, even if it looks different than yours.  I have two teenage daughters and I am training them that God is sovereign. I am not training them to be “mommys”, or to be a wife, although those things are important. There are no guarantees that they will marry, or be able to have children. Training them to this “lesser” goal is doing them a disservice. I am training them to do whatever God puts in their path  for and to His glory and with the goal of furthering His Kingdom.  I think it is short sighted to train with any other goal in mind, and that you could actually set your child up for disappointment by training for something that is not a guarantee in this life. When I wake up in the morning, before I climb out of bed, I pray and thank God that he is in control and welcome whatever He brings into my life this day, good or bad.

Teach them what scripture teaches, and no more.  The best lesson you can teach your sister is to trust in God and to seek wisdom from Him on areas that are  ”indifferent” in scripture.  Teach her to balance her liberty in Christ with self denial. What you may be able to practice without indulging your flesh (keeping your flesh at bay/self denial), your younger sister may not be able to practice.

We cannot go beyond what Titus 2 teaches, and add our own rules.  Scripture teaches that young women should to keep their homes, but it does not say by word or in example that they can never work outside the home. I have seen two opposite extremes of this view played out: on one hand to neglect your homes and to never care for it, and on the other hand to proclaim that women are “queens of their home” and that this is where they should always be.

We are to train them to be the best help that they can be to their husbands. Sometimes this involves working to help with finances, or working to help a husband get through seminary.  It means that we care well for our family, as unto the Lord, like everything else we are to do in life,  so that God’s word will not be evil spoken of. (Examples in scripture would be Ruth, Lydia and the Prov. 31 women.)

But for the most part, just being an encouragement and listening ear is a great place to start.

If you are lacking older Christian women, pray and then start by get advice from books. (see my Titus 2 resources)

If you are looking for a younger woman to encourage, begin by asking her to come to lunch or by offering to watch her children so she can get some errands done. Be helpful and start by building a relationship. God will bless your efforts to bless her!

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Where Are The Titus 2 Women?

October 18, 2011 Sarah 33 comments

Last night I spoke to a sweet group of home schooling moms about the topic of Keeping Your Devotional Life Devotional. I was so encouraged by their desire to teach their children God’s word. We sat and chatted afterwards and as we spoke, the “topic” came up. Titus 2 mentoring. These young women are raising families and they are looking for flesh and blood women who have “been there, done that” to walk beside them and give them guidance. Unfortunately, they are coming up short.

Titus 2 mentoring is not optional. Ladies, this is part of our calling.

photo credit

It does not need to take place in a classroom. It can take place in your home, in the car, as you grab a coffee or run an errand. You just need to be available, and willing to answer questions and offer suggestions when asked. This is not rocket science. And there is a reason that this needs to be done: so that God’s word will not be maligned. Maligning someone is saying something evil about them–not necessarily a lie, just something wicked.

What do you need to be a mentor?

1. The desire to be obedient.

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.

 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children,  to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands,

so that no one will malign the word of God.

2. A good testimony- reverent in the way they live- this means you take seriously the commands of scripture and you live in a way that is Christ-like. You aren’t perfect, but you are sold out to Christ, dedicated and striving to do right. You are literally his servant, doing His will and not your own. (and by the way, when you blow it, you make restoration, for the sake of your own testimony and for the sake of Christ.)

3. Time- it takes time. Just do it.

4. Grace, humility, meekness- You don’t have all the answers and maybe you have done things wrong. Be honest and transparent with your sisters in Christ. Apart from grace, you would be nothing. And without humility, you are nothing, and God resists you. You received with meekness the engrafted word which was able to save your souls, and now you teach with meekness and instruct from the posture of humility.

Older ladies, don’t be afraid.

If God puts a younger mother in your path, help her!

For extra reading on the subject of Titus Two mentoring, may I suggest these that I have found the most helpful?

Spiritual Mothering: The Titus 2 Model for Women Mentoring Women by Susan Hunt.

Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney

Part Two:Where Are The Titus 2 Women? 

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We Are All Stinky Sheep

August 11, 2011 Sarah No comments

Today, I am excited to have my friend Crystal Joos guest posting. I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with Crystal a few weeks back while we were on vacation, and we had an enjoyable chat about children, homeschooling, and ministry. I know you’ll be blessed!

Crystal and her husband Taigen

The twins

 

Stinky Sheep

This past week our children attended the Vacation Bible School that our church was hosting. It was a busy but wonderful week. During the closing assembly one day, I noticed that my daughter looked like she had been crying. I probed her about it when we got home and it came out that she had been struggling in her heart towards another child who was visiting that week. Apparently over the course of the first few days his actions had frustrated her. As I talked with her, trying to guide her in thinking biblically, she asked me, “What do you do with someone like that?”

We’re All Just Stinky Sheep

My husband and I weren’t in the ministry very long when we heard a quote that really helped us in how we look at people. Some wise person said, “If you don’t like the smell of sheep, then don’t become a shepherd.”  It was a good sound-bite for us to tuck away, but from that we came up with a phrase that we would often say to each other as a helpful reminder: “We’re all just stinky sheep.”

God’s Word compares us often to stinky sheep. Isaiah 53:6a is probably the most familiar of examples, “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way.” Jeremiah 50:6 says that we are all “lost sheep.” I Peter 2:25a states, “For ye were as sheep going astray.” I don’t know about you, but it’s easy for me to call someone else a stinky sheep.  However, if I take another look at these passages, I see words like “all” or “everyone.” Those are all-inclusive words. I am not exempt.

Don’t Look Further Than the Mirror

When I am dealing with a particularly frustrating person, it is always good for me to take the mirror of God’s Word (James 1:22-25) and remind myself of my own “stinkiness.”  Do I really think I am less frustrating or irritating than someone else? Am I suddenly perfect? Romans 12: 3 says, “For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think [of himself] more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.” No doubt, at different points in my life there have been people who have put up with my own fleshly stench.  And yet, they have been longsuffering, as Christ commanded in Ephesians 4:2, “With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love.” There is a reason why Jesus Christ is my Good Shepherd. It’s because I, myself, am a stinky sheep. I need Him now more than ever.

Sheep Need the Shepherd’s Guidance

While this helps me in dealing with my attitude towards others, I need to keep in mind that God is holy. My husband and I often tell our children that we love them too much to let them continue in sin. Just because we have two “stinky sheep” in our house (or maybe I should say four) doesn’t mean we let them continue pursuing sinful things just because we are sinful too (Rom. 6:1-2). There are times for confrontations. Those times happen often in ministry too, and are never easy. We are to be gently but firmly pointing others to God’s Word, and guiding them toward Christlikeness. Remember, Christ Himself was moved with compassion and began to teach the people (Mk.6:34) who were like sheep without a shepherd.

God has been ever so gracious to me.  I have failed Him so many times and yet He is always ready and willing to forgive. While it’s never easy to work with certain frustrating people that come along our path in life, what I reminded my daughter of this past week is something I need to remind myself of often: “Be patient. Be loving. After all, we’re ALL just stinky sheep in need of the help of the Good Shepherd.”

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Crystal Joos  grew up out west in Longmont, Colorado. She trusted Christ in junior  high school and acknowledged Him as her Lord and Savior. She and her husband Taigen have been in the ministry for eleven years in New England. They  co-labored with Ken & Judy Endean at Cornerstone Baptist Church in Scarborough, ME for seven years and have been serving at Heritage Baptist Church in Dover, NH for four. Crystal is a stay at home, home schooling mother to their seven year old twins, Marshall and Shaylen. She loves participating in the  church music program and ladies’ ministries. Her hobbies include listening to sacred and classical music, reading good books, crafting … all while drinking a good cup of coffee.

You can visit their church website  here: www.hbcdover.com

A Wise Woman, Guest Post, Titus 2 mentoring, Wise Women In Ministry

“New Apps”: New Appropriates for Women

July 26, 2011 Sarah 2 comments

Sarah Hudson is guest posting today. She is an “IRL” friend (in real life),  a missionary wife and fellow home schooling mother. (She is also one of the most hospitable people I know, and I am always amazed at how she serves others through hospitality.)

When the kids were little, we approached the topic of modesty with the term “appropriate.“  What a child wears to climb a tree would certainly be different from what she would wear to church on Sunday.  The difference is not mandated merely by “right” and “wrong” attire, but also by an over-riding principle of appropriateness.  Certainly, there are times that clothing choices could bump into the walls of “right” and “wrong,” but for the most part, our battles fell under the broader lines of appropriate dress.

As I have matured in my parenting and my personal walk with God, I have realized how much of our communication also falls into this description of appropriateness.  Certainly, God instructs us about “right” and “wrong” speech.  However, for the most part, our battles fall into the broader lines of appropriateness.

In my simplistic rather non-techy mind, I categorize speech patterns as “New Apps” for women of wisdom.   These are the new appropriates that direct our speech.

First, we must clarify that the Bible itself warns that no person can tame the tongue.  “It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” (James 3:8)  We can never meet God’s standards of appropriate speech through our self-determined efforts.  Only through the righteousness of Christ are we able to use our tongues in a Christ-pleasing, appropriate way.  He stands willing to forgive and also to enable us to have speech that is a life-giving well from those who draw from it (Prov.  10:11).

New Apps

As a mom, the tendency of my everyday speech is corrective, corrective, corrective.  I notice various areas in my children’s character that need change.  I am often magnetic to “corrective” speech.  Perhaps I even take time to speak encouragement when a problem area is improved.  However, my speech is often so focused on problem solving that I neglect the caring, loving exchange that offers a reminder of the sweet relationship I share with my children.  I can train our golden retriever with instructive words and praise, but that does not mean that our hearts connect on a relational level.  I would simply have a well-trained dog.  I can treat my children as well-trained robots, but miss the relationship because of my focus on law and behavior.  How different this is from the way my heavenly Father speaks to me.  He gently instructs my heart regarding change, but He speaks peace and love and security to me.  Appropriate speech is not merely focused on correction, but on a loving relationship.  This “new app” includes kindness, edification, gratitude and love (Eph. 4:29, 32; Prov. 15:4; Eph. 4:15)

My kids enjoy the iphone game app called “Angry Birds.”  Perhaps on a phone, this is great fun.  However, this is not an app that I recommend as part of our Christian speech.  It is not purely what we say, but when and how we say it, that marks appropriate and wise communication. 

When do we speak the truth in love—-in an angry moment? 

How do we speak the truth—-in sarcasm?  

About a year ago, our family got a good laugh about the blond who went into a library and ordered a large fry and a cheeseburger.  When the librarian told her in a hushed voice that it was a library, she merely repeated her order in a whisper.  As women of wisdom, we must not only apply the appropriate “what” of our speech, but also the appropriate “how.” 

  • Sometimes we err quite easily on the “TMI” (too much information) side.
  • Sometimes we allow creeping overtones of bitterness or disappointment to crowd out edification.
  • Sometimes we speak with condemnation instead of grace.
  • Sometimes we succumb to the temptation to post proud comments on Facebook or cutting comments via texting.
  • Sometimes we sidestep clear Biblical instruction to be thankful and rejoice because we feel that we are the exception in our stressful circumstances (Phil. 4:4, 1 Thess. 5:16-18).

As people consider my speech, I hope I am known for my apps.

May I be known as a woman:

  • apt to encourage,
  • apt to praise the Lord,
  • apt to give thanks, and
  • apt to share the gospel.

May my speech be marked by appropriateness in correction and in confrontation.   The woman of wisdom will be equipped with “new apps” that may not make new connections on her cell phone, but will hopefully connect beautifully with those her life may touch.

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Sarah grew up in rural Ohio, where her family came to know Christ as Savior.  She and her husband Todd have served in Christian ministry in Des Moines, Iowa; Cameroon, West Africa; and Concord, NH.  They have spent the last 14 years planting a Bible church in Vienna, Austria.  Sarah invests her time home-schooling her 4 children, as well as teaching ladies Bible studies and children’s ministry.
Linked to Courtney
A Wise Woman, Christian living, Guest Post, Titus 2 mentoring, Wise Women In Ministry

A Wise Woman is Word-Filled

July 18, 2011 Sarah 12 comments

Brrrring.

“Hello?”

“Hi. Do you have a minute? I just wanted to pick your brain about something I’ve been struggling with.”

When someone calls you for help, do you counsel from the Word?

Are you prepared to answer life’s questions biblically?

We have already addressed knowing when it is appropriate to offer advice here. My friend, Anne, just wrote today about offering a listening ear and just being there. here

But when someone comes to you specifically for advice, are you tempted to meet their “felt needs” instead of lovingly telling them what scripture says?

I had a situation like this this past week. A friend called specifically for some advice, and after listening, I told  her what I would do according to what scripture teaches. She called me knowing that I would tell her truthfully what I thought.  These are the friendships that matter. Where each person is teachable and dependent on the other to “set her straight in love” if she thinks she is going to do something that dishonors the Lord.

How can you be a word- filled friend/parent/ mentor?

Here are five ways:

1. Spend lots of time in the Word. 

Read it every day. Morning and evening. Psalm 119 tells us that the psalmist valued God’s law so highly that he delighted in it, (16) sought it with his whole heart (10) and stored it up in his heart (11).

Have you ever seen or heard of the TV show “Hoarders?” These people are practically buried and smothered under the junk that they value. The psalmist, on the other hand “stores up” or “hoards” God’s word in his heart. Why? So that he will not sin.

He delights in God’s word. What is delightful to you? What captures your attention?

2. Read the whole Bible.

Your view of God will be distorted if you do not read all of  scripture. For instance, if you only read the Psalms and Proverbs, and some of your favorite NT books,  and never read  a book like Leviticus, you may miss out on the focus of this book, which is the holiness of God. Your view of God will then be skewed, not knowing that God does care about how we worship and live.

3. Meditate on the Word.

Reading is great, but if it doesn’t change your life, it really is useless.

We read to DO. Obedience is really not optional for a child of God. We are his servants, doing His will, yet we sometimes think that we can pick and choose what we feel like doing. Not so. Meditating on God’s word can be as simple as writing what you have learned on a 3X5 card and carrying it with you until you master it. Are you struggling with lashing out at others with your tongue? Write out a verse as reminder, and carry it with you until it changes you. It could be a week. It could be a month, or longer. But meditating cements it into your mind. God says ______ about my unruly tongue. I must agree with God, and change.

Spurgeon noticed this problem in his day as well. In a sermon discussing the need for meditation on scripture and not just mere reading he wrote:

“The eye glances but the mind never rests. The soul does not light upon the truth and stay there. It flits over the landscape as a bird might do, but it builds no nest there, and finds no rest for the sole of its foot.“

4. Read as if your life depends on it. It does. here

When trouble comes, you will stand or fall depending on how you view scripture.  It comes down to our obedience. Are we just casual  hearers? Or are we hearers and do-ers. Meaning, are we letting it go in one ear and out the other, or are we actually heeding it. Are we obedient? If not, why not?  John 14:15- If you love me, you will keep my commandments.

5. Memorize the Word.

Why? Because when you don’t know what to do, God’s word will ring through your memory guiding you. It will encourage you as you recall promise after promise given in scripture. It will correct your wrong thinking with the truth. When you are afraid, it will comfort you. When you are lonely, it will console you. The Psalmist memorized so that he would not sin against God.  He feared offending a holy God.

I used an object lesson last week in my teen girls class to help them learn to be word filled. Everyone’s favorite candy: m&m’s.

Yes, I brought in a big bag and held them up. I told them that each time they see or eat m&m’s they should think about these “m’s”

1. Memorize the passage.

2. Meditate on the passage.

3. Master the passage. Meaning meditate until it changes you.

Does this post seem just so basic? Sometimes the basics are what we really need.

What ways have you found helpful to fill your mind with God’s word?

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Linked to Courtney

A Wise Woman, ministry, Titus 2 mentoring, Wise Women In Ministry

A Wise Woman Is Approachable

July 12, 2011 Sarah 5 comments

We are talking about ways to effectively mentor the next generation of younger women. Many of you said that one reason you would not seek counsel from an older woman was if she was unfriendly or unapproachable. You mentioned that you tend to  shy away from women who are moody because you “never know what you are getting into.” I totally agree.

This is why we need to be approachable and consistently so.

Approachability is a social grace that includes gentle, wise speech, a calm, peaceful, caring demeanor and the ability to make another feel at ease.

The opposite would be a harshness with dealing with others, critical or unwise use of the tongue, and a too -busy “whirlwind” personality that left others feeling exhausted and frazzled by your disorganized, frantic presence.

Three ways to seem Unapproachable.

1. Appear to be always busy.

We are all busy. We have more modern conveniences than women in any other time period and yet we are still busy.

Taking time to mentor is a sacrifice of love and time. And if you are a mom of little ones, you know that despite your best attempts at organizing your day and being efficient in your routines, the bottom line is that sometimes your kids just need you right now! So you drop your well laid out plans and just tend to the needs of that one.

Jesus teaches his followers to be careful not to allow crowds, packed schedules and busyness to get in the way of people who truly need help. They are what’s important. You’ll always have something that needs immediate urgent attention. That’s life! But ask God to give you discernment so that you don’t ignore sincere cries for help. Ask Him, “How would You want me to treat this person.” – Elizabeth George

Hebrews 4:16 tells us that  we should come boldly before to the throne of grace , that we might obtain mercy and find grace to help in our time of need. Our Lord is approachable. Even in Christ’s busy moments, he had time for the “one.” Remember when He was preaching to the crowd in a packed house, and just one more person wanted his help. So his friends tore into the roof and lowered the poor guy down for healing? Jesus, stopped and healed this man.

2. Be Moody

If you have ever had a moody person in your life, you know that the safest recourse is the old “quick wave and “hello,” and keep on walking”, because you really don’t have the time to deal with that kind of drama, nor do you want to hear an earful about their latest bee’s nest with someone else. You really don’t have time to decipher whether they are in a good mood or bad today, and after long dealings with a moody person, unfortunately you no longer care to know which mode they are in. You have bigger things to do.

When my kids were little, I would tell them that there are two kinds of people in the world: A “Here I Am” person or a “There You Are” person. The first is self centered; the second is others focused. A moody person cannot “see past the end of their own nose,” as my father use to say.

If people never know how you’ll be from day to day, they will not bother to get close to you. It is safer to be casual acquaintances.

On the other hand, a woman with a peaceful spirit, a contented and happy demeanor, and a predictably kind reputation makes a woman approachable.

 3. Keep an arms length distance from people of different races, economic classes or physical abilities.

Do people of all races, classes and economic backgrounds know that you will be kind and loving to them if they approach you?

Look around at your list of friends and see how diverse it is. Do you make those with physical handicaps feel welcome? Do you treat the rich differently than you treat the poor?

I have to tell you that I have never experienced discrimination in my whole life. It is hard to imagine that it does exists if you have never felt it’s pain. I have witnessed it, though, because of some of my friends.  My son’s best friend is black. When I take them out and about, people DO look at and treat his friend differently. Some of my best friends are black. We have handicapped friends and family. And we are intimately acquainted with the poor. I hope we judge people based on their character and not on their physical appearance.

We see many examples in scripture of Christ loving, talking to and touching the social outcasts of his day. He even touched a leper to heal him, an act that shows his compassion. He could have spoken the leprosy away. But perhaps that leper had been treated like a trash because of his disease and Jesus knew that his touch would not only heal his body but a part of his soul.

Words like “Come unto me, all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest,” show the approachability and willingness to help anyone attitude of Christ.

What other qualities make women seem approachable to you?

A Wise Woman, Christian living, Titus 2 mentoring, Wise Women In Ministry

Thoughts on Dying- A Post You Really Should Read

July 7, 2011 Sarah 2 comments

You may remember that I mentioned my bad dream last week about Peter dying, which was due to a real life situation that I had been praying about.   Amy Caldwell, my friend’s cousin, is dying of cancer. She is the young mother of seven children. She is in her final days on this earth, but her perspective as she faces “The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death” is eternal. I have been praying for her for two years and am especially thankful for  her transparent testimony as she faces death. here

I cried through her list of regrets. I know that many of her regrets will be my own some day.

I am pensive by nature, but death is real. We never have the assurance of one more day. All we have is NOW to love our family and others well. This is a sobering reminder.

Blog Posts I Like, Wise Women In Ministry

A Wise Woman’s Words

July 6, 2011 Sarah One comment

Using your words wisely is a gift. Wisdom tells us when to speak and when to remain silent.

There are those who rarely speak, and there are those who always speak. Both extremes should be avoided.

Wisdom tells us what to say and how to say it. Our words are to be grace-filled. Gracious. Health-ful and healing. Our words should never be sharp, callous, bitter and degrading. The goal is to restore to health “in the spirit of meekness”, not let ‘em have it,or give them your two cents. If you do use harsh words, you better be ready to issue an apology.

Wisdom (in mentoring/counseling) is knowing the right thing to say, at the right time, in the right way, and to the right end. It points another person to the cross for forgiveness, the cross for seeing their sin as it is, and the cross for grace to change. It sees Jesus and his grace as the final end.

Although you may know the right things to say, sometimes you shouldn’t say it.

Some questions to ask yourself when you are mentoring and wondering what to do:

“Are you wondering if you should say it?  Don’t. ”  This little saying is wise advice. If you have to wonder if you should speak or not, or are debating about what to say, don’t. Please do yourself this favor. Take my word for it. You’ll thank me later. :)

Is this person ready to apply truth, or is she just simply venting?  Sometimes a friend just needs a listening ear.

They want someone to hear them out. This is especially true of women in crisis or hardship, during “that time of month” or during menopause. You can discern their need by noting their “state of mind.”  If they are agitated,(“I can’t believe this is happening to me!”) annoyed, (“This is so rediculous!”) or paranoid(“People don’t like me,” or “My kids are going to turn out bad”) or despairing (“I am such a failure,”) then maybe the wise thing to say communicates loving assurance or  confidence that they are loved  and not despised, that their kids will turn out fine,and that people are not all talking about them and that God has not forgotten them. They need love not a sermon!

Is this person asking for your opinion? When someone is desperate enough and ready to change, they will ASK you when they want your help.

This is when, after listening and hearing their struggles, you should then give your honest advice. Remember, they don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care!  One great bit of advice that I have learned from my mother in law ,who is also a pastors wife of many years, is not give unsolicited advice to others. Not only does it come off as arrogant (“I have the answers you are looking for.”) but it actually makes people avoid asking you knowing you are all too eager to give them your two cents. I have also seen the result of women in ministry who seem to know it all, insert themselves and their advice onto others who did not ask for it and who are not careful about what they say or how they say it. It is really a detriment to their husbands ministry, not to mention their own!  By the way, many women have confided in my mother in law knowing that she is not a busy body and that she truly cares about others enough to listen. Listening takes work. Discerning takes work. This is where you pray for wisdom!

“If I am afraid to speak the truth lest I lose affection, or lest the one concerned should say, “You do not understand”, or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness; if I put my own good name before the other’s highest good, then I know nothing of Calvary love.” – Amy Charmichael

If you are in a situation with a child, it is your responsibility to tell them when they are headed in the wrong direction. You are their parent and are responsible to guide them. Still, you should use caution before you speak, especially with those you love most!

“Words and hearts should be handled with care for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair.” -Unknown

“To speak and to speak well are two things.  A fool may talk, but a wise man speaks. ” ~Ben Jonson

Some sage advice:
“Never speak when you are angry. Stop and count to ten. If very angry, count to 100.”

Never vent under the guise of giving advice. “If  you want my two cents…blah,blah, blah.” “She is just acting that way because she…gossip, gossip, slander, gossip.”

Make sure your advice lines up with scripture. Wisdom comes from  fearing God and his word. We cannot misrepresent him. Advice like” Your not happy, then leave. You really just need to be happy,” or “You have every right to get even with this person for all they’ve done to you,” sounds like advice you may hear on Oprah, but it does not square with scripture.

Be ready to say “I don’t know what you should do, but let’s pray about this together.” Not only are you going to the right source by praying, but you are modeling the right response to life’s trials by praying with  your younger sister. This is an invaluable lesson to teach. Ask God!

Did I miss anything? Let me know!

A Wise Woman, Titus 2 mentoring, Wise Women In Ministry

A Forest Fire in Your Mouth.

July 5, 2011 Sarah No comments

As you may recall, the number one reason many of you stated that you would not seek counsel from an older woman was if she did not use her words wisely. So, I think it only right to address this early on.

Imagine a forest fire. (this is what James likens our tongues to) The fire blazes up and then out of control, spreading and destroying everything it touches. It spreads and reaches with a destroying grasp that few can escape. The end result is total devastation. Loss of everything. So much so that if your house were in its path,  you would just leave, knowing that it would be all taken. All would be lost.

As grim as this picture is, and as much as we hate to admit it, that is exactly what our tongue–our words–used in a destructive manner can do to another person.

Instead of bringing healing, it brings devastation. And it will also devastate any chance for you to minister to that person again. So, it destroys both the hearer and the person sinning with their tongue.

So, as you think about mentoring your children and raising generations for Christ, consider the use of your tongue.

If you have unleashed its wrath on someone, young or old, seek forgiveness. If you don’t, your chance to mentor them is gone. (even with children- put yourself in their place. Record your tone of voice and see if you would respect someone speaking to you as you do to them!)

Psalm 19: 14.  ”Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.”

A Wise Woman, Christian living, Titus 2 mentoring, Wise Women In Ministry
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