Archive for Christian Parenting

Parenting Advice that I Ignored, Which Panned Out to Be True!

May 1, 2013 Sarah Beals 4 comments

When you’ve got young kids, you’re a magnet for unsolicited advice, plain and simple.

Everywhere you go, old ladies ask whether your child is hot or cold. They want to make you aware that your kid is sucking on their shoe or eating the grocery store carriage strap.

Sometimes we shrug this advice off and tune people out.

I was like that. I took all the advice I got with a huge grain of salt. Some of it panned out to be needless, but some of it, I learned later, was true, and had I listened, could have saved myself some needless worry and problems.

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Here are some examples that panned out to be true after all.

 

It’s NOT going to kill them.

Turns out, crying at bedtime does not kill your child. Neither does letting them ingest a little dirt while they make mudpies. And if you don’t slather them with sunscreen each and every time they go outside, they will still come back breathing.

In our day, children just played.

Kids don’t need every sport organized for them. They can entertain themselves with sticks, a ball, some water and dirt. Kids are creative, but when parents take control of every aspect of their free time, it stifles creativity.

Let them learn their lessons.

Some kids learn well with verbal instruction and some kids need to learn the hard way (within reason–we’re not talking learning the hard way that if you run into the road you’re going to get hit. We’re talking, if you don’t put your coat on, you will be cold. mkay?) Letting kids learn their lessons in a controlled environment, and then helping them choose wisely next time is what parenting is all about.

You’re making them nervous!

Sometime we are the cause of our children’s fears. Self fulfilled prophecy? I don’t know, but children do pick up on what petrifies us and we can make them neurotic over silly things if we aren’t careful. Have you ever seen a child that has the same nervous habit as their parent? Children copy our behaviors, whether it’s a twitch, a nervous saying or a mannerism.

Don’t preach at them!

For whatever reason, mothers love to scold their children. It’s in our make-up, I swear! But scolding needs to go. Teaching your child has a completely different  tone than preaching at them. “Instruction in righteousness” does not equal bludgeoning them with Bible verses. Bible verses in every day talk is normal. Wielding a Bible verse at every offense is, well, not really wise. In the heat of the moment, you probably won’t reach the heart. If you’ve ever had a condescending talk with someone who talks down to you, you’ll understand this. Teaching is horizontal, whereas a preachy tone talks down to others. If in doubt, record yourself.

Did you ever shrug off advice, only to learn later that it was true? Share your story.  Why is it that unsolicited advice is so annoying to us? Chime in in the comments. 

Christian Parenting

How to Survive the Wilderness

March 4, 2013 Sarah Beals 3 comments

Today is one of those days where I woke up feeling fully blessed. We had a wonderful weekend full of blessing and answered prayer, and received good news from our daughter in college about some upcoming opportunities the Lord has given her.

But I don’t always wake up this way. Somedays, I wake up feeling lousy. Somedays, I wake up with an unresolved conflict hanging over my head. Sometimes circumstances are 100% out of my control. Those are the “Wilderness Days.” The days when you don’t think you can stand one more trial or irritation.

David, in Psalm 63, gives us wise counsel about how to survive in a wilderness and it’s instructive to note some of the qualities of this this God- loving, yet imperfect man, so that we can prepare ourselves for our wilderness days.

To survive in a wilderness takes forethought and planning. You don’t enter a trial and try to muster up spiritual strength on the spot. Inner spiritual strength comes from building up reserves before your trial hits you square in the face.

To survive in a wilderness:

1. You desire God alone. You seek Him. Your circumstances may be dry and horrible, but your soul is thirsty for God.

“O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.” (63:1)

2. You prefer God’s presence more than anything or anyone.

Our daily worship prepares us to meet the trials of life, not just our Sunday worship. What goes on in your heart all week defines you more than going to church on Sunday.

“I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.” (63:2)

3. You choose to praise God. 

When we go through trials, many times our lips betray our hearts by exposing our wrong thoughts. What’s going on inside of our mind eventually comes gushing out of our mouths! What are you known for? A life of praise? Or a life of cutting comments and complaints galore? Instead of complaining or protesting what God is allowing, remember all that He has done in the past and all that He will do in the future. Choose praise. Pray for lips that praise. If you can’t praise God, keep your mouth closed. Don’t infect your kids or neighbors with negative comments that make them question God’s goodness.

A thankful heart is at peace, because it’s content, not wanting more or less than what God’s provided.

A contentious, fretful, discontent heart always wishes, dreams and longs for different circumstances.

“Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.” (63:3)

4. Find your satisfaction in God alone.

We can thrive in a wilderness because we’ll always have God. Might I suggest that if you aren’t fulfilled in God, you read Ephesians and note all of the riches we have in Christ?

And if that still isn’t enough, maybe you are clinging to lesser things for your happiness? Those, “if only’s” can quickly become idols.

You know the thought process:

“If only”…

I had more money, more time, more children, less children, better behaved children, a more assertive husband, a less authoritative husband, more money, a bigger house, more respect, more love, more understanding, more opportunities, more health….

The list is only as long as our imagination.

The better way: “Be content in whatever state you are in.” That’s it. The big secret. Be content. Don’t wish for more. Be satisfied with what God has given. God. God. He is the giver. Let that sink in. When we rise up in complaint, it is to Him and his provision and providence.

“My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.” (63:5,6)

5. Cling to Christ.

I don’t know what to say about this, except that when we are allured and enamored by lesser things, we’ll never be satisfied with Christ. We forget what we have. We chase wood, hay and stubble. No woman likes a man with “wandering eyes.” They just kinda creep you out, don’t they? Well, that’s what we are like when we are constantly on the lookout for something better. We have wandering eyes, and it “ain’t attractive” to a woman who professes godliness.

Clinging to Christ sounds desperate, but honestly, clinging to Christ for dear life is what is necessary. “My soul cleaves after you” is the literal translation! It includes submissive faith in God’s plan and an active pursuit of God. If you aren’t clinging to Christ, you are clinging to the wrong things.

“My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” vs. 8

I love how Elizabeth George uses the metaphor of a tree’s roots to describe the strength and support that our private time in scripture reading and prayer provides:

“Just like a plant with its roots hidden underground, you and I –out of public view and alone with God–are to draw from Him all that we need to live the abundant life He has promised His children (John 10:10) We must seek to live our lives near to God–indeed, hidden in Him!” A Woman After God’s Own Heart, pg 30

What we do today determines how we weather our wilderness! What steps can you take today to realign your heart to Christ? What lesser things need to go to make room for the most important relationship in your life? Whatever it takes, do it! :)

Christian Parenting, Trials, Uncategorized , , ,

How to Handle a Relationship You Wish Would Go Away

February 27, 2013 Sarah Beals 18 comments

How to do you handle a relationship that you wish would go away?

How do you deal with a hurt person who continually hurts other people?

Well recognizing what kind of relationship you are in is   a good place to start. All friendships are not created equal and that’s okay.

Here are my thoughts, however unscholarly, from my own experience:

1. In extreme cases, if the person is verbally abusive/violent and is a member of your own family, you might have to limit contact with them for the sake of your own family.

2. If the person is a non-abusive “believer” who:

  • plays mind games,
  • is competitive instead of constructive
  • thrives on territorial wars/power struggles for control or authority
  • uses control tactics like the silent treatment or angry outbursts
  • uses their mouth to destroy others via slander, gossip
  • portrays themselves as the perpetual victim
  • assumes the worst in others
  • loves discord and feuding

you have two choices:

A. Interact with them:

If you do choose to interact with them, it has to be for one reason: to show them the unconditional love of Christ and to be a good example.

This type of “friendship” is a ministry and really no true friendship at all.

A person who doesn’t understand how to love others can never be a true friend to you, so don’t expect that from them.  Understanding the difference will keep you from disappointment, and will help you focus on loving that person with a Common Mercy “for Christ’s sake”–He makes the sun to shine on the just and the unjust. He loved us when we were unlovable. 

Interactions might look like: a friendly smile or hello, a kind word when you know they’ve just gossiped about you, not repaying evil for evil. You can invite them to your family parties or functions, but be aware that they may spoil your event depending on their mood. (something to consider when considering the comfort of other guests.) 

A good friend of mine let me know that another woman in the church had been gossiping about me for years and she thought I should know what I am dealing with. Her gossip included digs and jabs about ministries my husband and I ran, negative comments about this blog, comments about our kids and about other speaking opportunities I had been given. She was just letting me know because I seemed “clueless” about it. I told her that I already knew all about this “behind my back” behavior.(Several women in the church had warned me about her.) She seemed surprised because this news didn’t seem to rattle me.

My mom taught me many lessons that I still remember to this day:

  • You are only responsible for you.
  • Other people do not have to control you. The Holy Spirit controls you.
  • It is not the critic that counts.
  • Don’t lower yourself and your standards. Be the bigger person.
  • Only God’s approval matters.
  • Don’t compound the sin by joining in.
  • It’s better to be alone and do right than to be popular and displeasing to God.
  • When someone gossips, the poor reflection is on THEM, not the person they are slandering.
  • Love them anyways.
  • Leave your reputation and the results to God.
  • Vengeance is mine, says the Lord. I will repay.

Do I wish this had NOT happened? Yes, of course. But am I devastated because it did? No. People are people. Fallen people are fallen people. And I know my own propensity to sin and am really not surprised when others sin as well. I actually felt pity for this woman—a bundle of insecurity and anger, control freak and “desperate to be admired” all rolled up in one. And I could relate to (and pity) those feelings as well. It is part of fallen humanity. But at some point, she needs to give that all to the Lord to control. I’ve been there myself and know God can help her if she’ll let him. But in the end, she “owns” her own actions.

B. Avoid them:

If you are having a particularly trying week, or you just feel out of sorts or annoyed yourself, avoidance is the better route. If you are not able to love as Christ loved, don’t double the sin by getting into their games, which have now become your games.

3. If the person is not a believer, then obviously their need for Christ is the biggest concern. These outward problems are only symptoms of a bigger need.

In the end,

I don’t recommend confronting this type of person about their behavior. This is not the typical Christian who is trying to grow. This is the behavior of a  scorner, and unfortunately many times the school of hard knocks is their teacher of choice.

“He that reproveth a scorner getteth to himself shame: and he that rebuketh a wicked man getteth himself a blot.”

“Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee.”

“Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning.”

But a mocker (arrogant scorner, scoffer. Always cynical, arrogantly dismissive, with loads of saracasm) who is wicked, is unteachable.

“Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse.  Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. ”

“A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise.”

“Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words.” (A fool, according to Proverbs,  is someone who doesn’t heed the instruction of scripture, although exposed to it. Instead of hearing and doing, they hear and “dismiss” scripture.)

Correction/Rebuke in the church are only helpful to the one who is willing to learn from them (Proverbs 15:31; 17:10; 19:25; 25:12)

Finally, pray that God would give you wisdom when dealing with these types of people. I find that I can barely take care of myself and my own kids, and that I don’t usually have the desire or emotionally energy to get into much with this kind of person. I vacillate between pitying them for their obviously miserable life and when I really stop to think about what their internal peace must be like, I feel compassion, but usually I dread them for making my life harder. (selfish) I need to pray for them and myself, that God’s purposes in ordaining this relationship will be realized.

Tomorrow, we’ll talk about being a mentor, being mentored and I’ll point you to some great resources for mentoring yourself or others.

Note: if you are in a church leadership position, you may not have a choice whether to deal with this person or not. This stuff would need to be confronted for the health of the church. As leadership, you can’t allow one “sheep” to seriously harm the other “sheep” or cause divisions in the flock and this is where pastoral oversight comes into play. 

How about you? How do you deal with these situations? Any other insight you could offer? Feel free to share in the comments.

Christian living, Christian Parenting, ministry , , ,

Letter to a Young Mother

February 20, 2013 Sarah Beals 11 comments

Dear mom of little ones,

I know that life right now feels a little crazy.

Between interrupted sleep, children’s antics, unpredictable moods, and being on call for your child 24/7, it is easy to get neurotic. And when children are not responding to your discipline and training on any given day, or worse, acting out in anger and showing signs of aggression and you-are-secretly-sure-this-one-will-end-up-in-jail-with-that-temper…it is easy to give way to fear.

You longingly look forward to the time of life when the kids are just a little older. You see other women–women who look totally put together and calm, eating a casual lunch with friends, smiling, laughing and enjoying life–and you contrast it with your own as you look around your sippy cup and toy strewn living room and wonder when will I ever “go out” and have time for me again? Where are my friends? How did I get here? Are other women as lonely? Where is God in all of this? How will my children turn out? Motherhood is scary and I feel so alone.

The little years are a time of just holding on. It is sometimes survival mode. I promise, you will emerge on the other side with sanity.

I want to give you some advice that I wish someone had told me 20 years ago.

1. Raising your kids well is the hardest job you’ll ever do. I promise. It is also the most important job you’ll ever do.

2. Realize that God’s word trumps all other parenting manuals. Although parenting books are helpful and can give you tidbits of insight, they are often more “thorough” than the word of God. And when things are someone’s opinion, it should be reguarded as just that–opinion. God’s word is the book that we should cling to for dear life. Study God’s word and see what He wants for you and your children. He knows what’s best for us better than Dr. Spock.

3. Set reasonable expectations for yourself and your child. You don’t have to do what everyone else is doing. You don’t have to run your toddler wild with activity. I know you feel the strong pull to compare your kids with other people’s children, but comparison never ends well. You’ll end up discouraged and your kids will end up feeling pressured to perform. I promise that your kids will be just fine if they aren’t learning a foreign language as a toddler, or you don’t sign them up for baby LaCrosse. Let your kids play in the sunshine, with water, dirt and a shovel. Give them alone time with their thoughts.

4. Be reasonable about what God expects from you. You aren’t perfect. You never will be. Don’t focus so heavily on your own deficiencies. Focus on God’s ability. You can do this, this parenting thing, through Christ who gives you the strength. He’ll give you the grace to do what He’s called you to do. Thank God that in his love and mercy, we are “accepted in the beloved” even though we are thoroughly flawed.

5. Spend your time on what matters. In the end, things that seem monumental now, will not matter. I promise, your child will be potty trained by the time he goes to college. Spend mental time and energy on becoming what God values. “Hear and do” His word. Focus on teaching your child about your God. Who cares what the Joneses up the street think you and your child should be? What matters is what God says we should be.

Not sure what matters? Here are a few examples:

1. God wants you to love Him with all of your heart, so you can teach your kids to do the same. Deut. 6:6,7

2. God wants you to be a hearer and doer of His word. It is easy to read and forget!  Keep God’s simple commands in front of you and plan to do them. James 1:22, 1 John 2:3-4

3. Our God-given assignment is to love our children and husband.  Titus 2:4

4. As we serve our family in the home, our lifestyle should be characterized by these basics from Titus 2:5:

  • self control
  • purity
  • working and serving in the home vs. being lazy
  • active kindness to others
  • submissive hearts toward our husband.

Why? The reason for all this? “So that no one will malign the word of God.”

5. If you are a mom, you are a teacher whether you like it or not. You need to actively share God’s word with your kids. (Deut. 6:6,7, Proverbs 1:8, 6:20, Ephesians 6:4) This should be as normal as talking about what you are going to do today or the weather. (Also, by not talking about God, you are still teaching, but in the negative sense.)

Statements like these can be part of your everyday talk to toddlers:

“Oh, Rebekah, remember that Jesus was kind and did right by us, and we need to be kind to others.”

“Emily, you can’t hold a grudge, because God forgave us and we must forgive others.”

“Matthew, hitting is never okay. God says that He”ll repay when someone wrongs you. You don’t take matters into your own hands like that.”

If we just focus on the basics of scripture, instead of being distracted by all the “shiny things” around us that lure us away from the basics, life would become more simple and our purpose clearer.

You can do this, with God’s grace and an undivided heart! I promise. God will help you when you look to Him. He’s not going to leave you helpless.

(Do you know another young mom who could benefit from this letter? Consider encouraging her by sending her this link or sharing using the social media share tools below. :) )

Christian Parenting ,

Slow, Simple, Less Stress. That Sums Up our Media Fast.

February 4, 2013 Sarah Beals 2 comments

I have to admit that I was surprised by one element of our media fast: I felt less stress. There was a layer of simplicity to life that took me back to when my kids were young and we didn’t have a computer. Although I love computers (and always have) I think a part of me would be fine going off the grid in real life. Life seems so much simpler and focused. Slow, in a good way.

In fact, we enjoyed it so much that we are doing a modified version of it this week.

I don’t have much in the realm of spiritual things to say this morning. I feel as though I’ve been overwhelmed with good material this past week, and I’m still processing it my mind. I’ll try to do it justice at some point this week, but the topic is grace. Seems the more you learn about grace, the more you realize you don’t know. Common grace adjectives like “amazing, undeserved, irresistible, and debtor to grace” take on new meaning.

I started a study on grace about three weeks back in my personal devotions. As I was reading, one question kept plaguing me: The Bible says that there is something that teaches us to say no to sin. It teaches us to “deny ungodliness and worldly lusts”, and teaches us to live “sensibly, righteously, and godly, in this present world.” That something is grace. Why grace, I asked myself? In my mind, I would think the law, the commandments, the doctrines of scripture would be what teaches us how to live. Why grace? More on that later, when I can organize my thoughts.

Until then, some pictures. Missed you all and prayed for you this past week. Those of you who emailed me specific prayer requests, know that I prayed for you every day as I was washing my dishes. Your names are on my windowsill so I wouldn’t forget.

Did some cooking with Hopie

watched my niece, Summer. <3

 

tried my hand at crocheting a scarf.

worked a little more on this english cottage watercolor

 

 

Weather was so nice that we played outside.

Went ice skating on Grandpa's bogs with cousins.

Taught this study to my watercolor co-op kids. They did great.

My girls love target practice with bows and arrows. Too much Narnia?

 

 

 

Christian Parenting, My Family

What is A Media Fast? {and Why We’re Doing One as a Family}

January 26, 2013 Sarah Beals 12 comments

Last week Peter announced that our family was going to do another media fast. The kids were less than enthusiastic, and it is always hard for me for a few days, but then I am glad “Daddy” thought of it. :)  

Seems the idea of pulling away from media for a time is not a novel one. Kara spoke of it here where she recounts why she returned the iPhone.

Ruth from Gracelaced warns that we choose with our actions. She mentions cutting back on media and focusing on the truly important.

Joy beautifully reminds us to seek the eternal and set our minds on things above in her sweet video message from Indonesia.

And of course, this article entitled “Dear Distracted Dad” nails it. I don’t want to live with regrets.

What is a media fast?

A media fast is simply turning off the noise including music, tv, social media, and video games.

How long is a media fast?

It can be as long as you want, but we’re aiming for a week.

Why on earth would you do this?

Because it is good for our minds and hearts. It promotes creativity. It helps us “reset our minds” and identify spiritual problems that might be masked by all the noise. When you are alone with your thoughts for a week, it is pretty eye opening!

What do you plan to do during this time?

Art, school, make music, bake, finish crocheting a scarf, ice skate with the kids on my dads cranberry bogs, read, meditate on scripture verses that I’ve selected, have lunch with a friend, and we’ve planned to have several couples come over for dinner this week. We’ll be too busy to be bored.

What is the hardest part of a media fast?

Honestly, it’s the instant gratification of getting information quickly. We check the weather, email, sports scores, Facebook all in a click of a button. We have all sorts of information, but we’re all alone at our computer.

One thing I’ve noticed about younger bloggers is that they no longer want to know information. They have access to all the information the could ever want. They want to know what you think about the information; your experience with the topic. It is that longing to connect in a meaningful way with the thoughts of other people. 

Our whole family has been “google-ized.” When I want to know something about a recipe, I simply search online. Before I had internet, if I wanted to know something domestic, I called my mom, mother in law, or a friend. When my kids were out of control and fresh as toddlers, I’d sit with an older woman and ask, ask, ask what to do next. There’s little “community” in googling something. But there’s something relational about asking for help, receiving help and knowing that you were actually needed to provide help (in the case of the older woman or friend I called.)

Why are you telling us?

Because it has been so beneficial for us, although we all hate it for the first few days and then grow to love it.

If you are having trouble sorting out your own thoughts, or are never at peace inside, a media fast can help unmask your underlying problem so you can deal with it.

I told you the diet that I started on January first. Well, it’s been almost one month and by not eating certain foods, my metabolism has been “reset.” I feel more energetic and upbeat. I don’t crave sugar. I don’t need coffee. I’ve lost weight and it has been good for me. I have the same feeling in my mind after a media fast.

Is this some super spiritual thing?

No, there is nothing super spiritual about it, but in the end, I find it does benefit our spirits.

The Bible says to “Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly” but sometimes it is easier to dwell richly in the words of books, blogs, facebook, twitter and television. Sometimes we hear so much outside noise or we dwell on the thoughts of our own “noisy soul” that we can’t hear that still small voice. We’ve drowned it out somehow without even knowing it.

So, if things are quiet around here starting next Monday, there’s no need to worry. Now you know why. :)

I’d encourage you to try a media fast, if even for a few days. You might be surprised at how much you love it. What are your thoughts on this?

Christian living, Christian Parenting , , ,

What’s A Mom of Toddlers To Do?

January 25, 2013 Sarah Beals 3 comments

 

Moms, when you are not sure how to deal with your children, when discouragement sets in and you fear that “this child is the one” that will walk away,

and you can’t seem to get through to their heart, can I offer you some advice?

All of us in one canoe. That was interesting!

Instead of giving way to fear 

remember God’s promises and pray.

In our own home, I can recall several nights that stand out in my mind with a stubborn toddler who just wouldn’t respond to correction. When bedtime came, I fell into a heap of discouragement because I felt I had failed reach my child’s heart and I was scared for her.

At that moment, all I could do is pray. Pray. In a heap of exhaustion on the floor, my head in my knees as I cried in frustration for guidance, I’d pray to God (beg, actually) for HIM to soften her little heart so that she’d be inclined love God’s ways. (By the way, He did answer! My “little rebel” is learning to walk a God-dependent life today, by His grace!)

Young, clueless, tired and with our hands full!

Some hope for moms of young ones:

1. Pray for wisdom. I can’t tell you how many times I prayed for wisdom one night and the very next day God sent me an answer in the form of a book, a conversation with an older woman or my own Bible reading. God promises to give you what you need in the wisdom department if you ask!

2. Deal with the problem and then move on. Yes, you must deal with sin and “call it” as God calls it.

“Rebekah, NO, you may not sneak to get what you want. God is truth and he doesn’t want us to deceive others. ”

“Matthew, when mommy calls you to come wash your hands for dinner, and you ignore her, you are disobeying.”

“Emily, we don’t laugh at other people because God tells us to be kind. Would God laugh at another person and mock them?”

We do need to call sin what God calls it and not downplay it. A child who is allowed/trained to shrug off God’s commands when young will never deal with their own hearts. They’ll constantly blame outside circumstances. Our greatest problems are not around us, but inside us.

But once you’ve dealt with the child, clear the air. Don’t allow any residue of negativity to remain. It is easy to get frustrated with childish behavior, but you’ll drive your child away if you hold a parental grudge, give them the feeling that they are “always” a problem, or if you allow the atmosphere of the home to be strained and the child senses that you have smoldering resentment for them. Love doesn’t hold grudges.

So little! :)

3. Train in the positive more than in the negative. Nobody wants to hear “NO,NO,NO” all day. If this is the extent of your “child training,” your kids will eventually block you out and stop listening. MOST of you training should be instruction during everyday talk.

“Isn’t it great to be able to go visit Mrs. Hart in the nursing home kids? God says that when we care for our widows, it is like caring for Him!”

“Kids, when that man cut me off in the car this morning, my heart wanted to say something bad to him, but God’s word says no to repaying evil for evil. That’s really hard, isn’t it?”

“I know you want the front seat again, but remember what God says about treating others the way you want to be treated? What do you think you should do?”

“Kids, you need to chose before hand how you are going to respond when so-and-so is unkind to you again. You have two choices here: pleasing God or pleasing self.”

4.  Don’t discipline your child over childish behavior. If it’s not intentional, why treat it as if it was? Spilling a drink, running and knocking over another child, coloring on top of moms bedspread and the ink runs through, breaking one of moms expensive antique flow blue pitchers whilst throwing a ball in the house (that was Peter! ;) ) tipping things over…these are all things kids do. They’re immature kids. You can train them and tell them not to do it, but don’t punish them for it. Punishments should only be given when a wrong choice has been made.

5. Be consistent. It’s confusing when one day mommy says no running in the house, and the next day is totally fine with it.

If a child is punished one day for one thing, but not the next day, a child does not know what the boundaries are and that is just not fair to the child! A child want to know where they stand and what their boundaries are. There is security in that.  If you say no, mean it–today, tomorrow and next week, or don’t say it at all!  

6. Treat them the way you’d want to be treated. Don’t confront or correct a child when you are angry, frustrated or irritable. Honestly, that is just cruelty. If you are going to give your four year old a verbal tongue lashing, then YOUR sin is much bigger than theirs. They don’t know any better; an adult does know better. Correction/disciple, although sometimes necessary, should never be done when you are angry.

7. Remember that this is just a stage. Life with toddlers is so hard. It gets easier, I promise. My life now with teens is a breeeeze compared to life with toddlers. Do the hard work when they are young and they’ll be a blessing to you when they are older.

8. Remember that every circumstance, even parenting, is meant to point us to God. Our parenting is ordained and we are stewards of these kids. That means that the child training is not about us. We don’t do what is easiest for us or what we feel like doing. We answer to God for the care of His children.

9. Never bribe a child. 

“If you stop screaming, I will give you a cookie.”

Don’t make them do the right things for the wrong reasons. Don’t aim for just good behavior. That is such a superficial goal. The heart is the goal. (not to mention that you’re teaching them to manipulate people.)

10. Make a study of your child. Every child is different, so your approach will be different, but that doesn’t mean that standards are different for that child.

Each child should be taught to know and follow the rules of the home. You may need to figure out how to help each child differently, but house rules and especially God’s rules are non-negotiable.

So, making excused for your child’s sin because of their temperament is not doing anyone any favors. “Oh, they just say whatever comes into their mind.” “He has a short fuse and blows up like that. That is just him.” Well, it may be just the way they are, but God had given us the ability to have victory over our sinful impulses.

Your child MAY struggle for the rest of their life with their tongue, or self control, or anger, and that is okay, as long as they are actually fighting it. Those works of the flesh have to go, and we are taught to fight against our flesh, bring it into subjection.

God does not expect perfection, but he does want obedience. When we sin, we have an advocate. We can confess it and move on and try again. This is grace– God enabling us to live as he commands!

Be faithful to do your job. Train them up in the way they should go. But remember that only God can change a heart. Why not ask him to intervene?

Your turn. What have you learned along the way? Share with us by leaving a comment! 

Christian Parenting ,

How To Raise A Little Pharisee

January 23, 2013 Sarah Beals 3 comments

 

Q:How do you raise kids that love others well? 

You do that by modeling Christlikeness and by not living like a Pharisee.

You remember the Pharisees in the Bible, right? They had this outward show of religion. It was all about the outside–looking good, looking right, doing the right things. They had ”I” problem.“I am not this way, I am not that way. Lord, thank you that I am not as these other men.”

A pharisee lives his life in a comparative, competitive state. 

Instead of comparing their life to God’s holiness, which yields humility, they compare themselves to others which yields pride and an inability to love others. (Pride always squelches love.)  They measured themselves against other peoples’ laws, rules, standards. They tried to go just a liiiiittttle bit farther to the right than the next guy. And then they gloated Thankfully, I am not like them.

What makes a person judgmental? They’ll compare themselves with another (only when they come out on top) to make themselves look or feel better or more “morally superior” to the person they are putting down.

One of the things that are an abomination to God are “haughty eyes.” Haughty eyes are connected to a haughty heart. And what goes on in a haughty heart ruminates in the mind. Here are the verses from Proverbs 6:

“There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.”

A Haughty Mother enter a room and assess everyone and everything. And they think to themselves(or God forbid, they say to their kids):

“I would never send my kids to that school.”

“Do you want to turn out like so and so?”

“Oh, We dress nicer than she does. My kids wouldn’t be caught dead in that.”

“Too bad she doesn’t keep her house just a little neater. I certainly wouldn’t live like this.”

“I can’t believe this church runs like this.”

“Those people are out to lunch!”

“Haughty mothers” pass on their haughtiness to their kids, and hence, they raise little pharisees.

Did you catch the other sins that are equally detestable to the Lord in Proverbs 6? Haughty eyes are in the same list as lying, an evil heart motive, murder and people who are troublemakers in churches.*

I was reading in Matt. 23 this morning, a list of “Woes” pronounced on the Pharisees of Jesus time. One thing that struck me is that a Pharisee is worried about two things:

  • 1. A Pharisee is worried about holding other people to their standards.
  • 2. A Pharisee is worried about “looking” righteous. (they aren’t actually righteous inside, Jesus said. Inside, they are a dirty mess.)

A Pharisee never comes to the conclusion that loving another person “as Christ loved us” is what Christ really valued. Even though one of the last commands Jesus gave to his disciples on earth was this “new commandment, to love one another as I have loved you.” They still insist that their inward love for others is not as important as external things.

Jesus tells us that the world will know His followers by their love for the brethren. A Pharisee interprets love for God as doing things to be seen by men. (Matt. 23)

 

How do you raise a little pharisee? By acting like the Pharisees of Matthew 23!

What did they do?

1. Preach hard standards that they didn’t  keep themselves. Their life and lips didn’t match. They were super vocal about what others should be doing, but didn’t do it themselves. (Matt. 23:4)

2. Do their works to be seen of men. (Matt. 23:5)They do religious activities for the wrong reason. When they speak, they speak to be the big shot or in charge. They love the spot light, recognition and an audience. When they tithe, they make a big show of that. When they fast, they make sure they look sick and weak, so that when someone asks, Are you ill? They can quickly reply, “Oh no, I am going on day 3 of fasting and praying.” When they serve, they make sure everyone knows how exhausted they are “serving the Lord.”

3. They expect special treatment. They love the uppermost rooms at feasts and the chief seats, the greetings in the marketplace, to be called Rabbi.” They love their position and expect that you respect them. And not just any old respect that is earned by a good testimony…they want celebrity treatment. They want to be seen and heard…and obeyed. All in front and up front, the more visible the better. Expectations for special treatment for yourself are always rooted in pride.

4. They focus on the wrong things, and ignore the “weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy and faith. ” (Matt. 25:23) They are worried about your sin, and ignore that fact that they are neglecting key elements of God’s word: truth, mercy, faith.

5. They worry about the outside, when they should be concerned about their ungodly heart. Verse 27,28 describes their heart as Jesus sees it and it “ain’t pretty”:  ”full of extortion and excess…you are like whited sepulchers which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead mens bones. You outwardly appear religious, but within you are full of hypocriscy and iniquity.”

Outwardly, doing all good things. Inwardly, wicked.

Outwardly concerned with being at every church service and “over my dead body” would I miss a Wednesday night service, but inwardly, they hate or look down on their brothers/sisters in the church, are judgmental and critical of others and are usually involved in long standing feuds and divisions. Their mouths are full of gossip, spite and envy. The only thing they hold tighter than their perfect church attendance record is their smoldering grudges against others. They think that wearing certain clothes or not wearing certain clothes is equivalent to godliness, when all the while, God says that the way that all men will know you are mine is to LOVE YOUR BROTHERS in the church.{albeit, they are very flawed an imperfect brothers, but if you love God, you’ll love His church.}

And the list goes on and on.

If you want the world to know that you are one of God’s disciples, and if you want your kids to learn to love others properly, why not try God’s way? Why not love the brethren? And the love is qualified–it has to be “as I have loved you.”

 How did Christ love us?

1. We were pursued. But a pharisee refuses to move towards an offending person in love. They’ve offended ME, let THEM make the first move.

2. We were forgiven. But a pharisee rarely forgives because they’ve never truly been forgiven themselves. They don’t understand this grace. They keep loooong lists of wrongs against people and loves to share them with others. They can’t wait to make a little dig, take a stab or outright give someone the silent treatment when they feel offended. (they never see this as sin, mind you. They have the right to do this in their mind. Their “way” has been crossed and this gives them the right.)

3. We were served. But a pharisee only cares about being served. They have a celebrity mindset instead of a servant mindset.

4. We were made the object of love, though undeserving. You might have noticed that the “church” as a whole is not entirely lovable. In fact, the church is a group of believers that has problems. We all do! And yet, God loved us, not because we are so lovable, but because God is love and that is that. It is His character. A pharisee only loves those who love them and those they deem “worthy.” We need to love because we are now sons of God and have His nature in us.

Love begins with a vertical relationship first: you and God. Then your horizontal people to people relationships become what they are supposed to be. If you don’t love others or have a grudge in your heart against someone, let me warn you not to deceive yourself. You don’t love God if you don’t love others, plain and simple. The amount of love you have for your “least favorite person” is also an indicator of how much you love God.

You cannot love others well, until you love God well. Your children cannot love others well without loving God more than anything else. This love is what enables us to keep his commandments. This love keeps us focused on him instead of on the faults of others.

The default “carnal” setting in our hearts is to  act like a pharisee because it is easier to point fingers that to deal with the wickedness in our own hearts. Truly, the greater work, the harder life is to deal with our own miserable, deceitful hearts. That should keep us so busy, that there is very little time for pointing fingers.

Are you modeling the true Christian life and love in your home, or are you modeling the life, lips and heart of a Pharisee? Your answer alone will tell you how you are raising your kids. 

 

*{But there is a flip side to the Pharisaical Haughty Spirit (PHS) and that is the Licentious Haughty Spirit. (LHS) With LHS, you gloat inside because you are not like these Pharisees. No, you are informed, well educated and Biblically sound. You have insight. Problem is, the same heart remains. That man-to-man comparison sin-thingie. In your knowledge, perhaps you have forgotten that God still hates haughty eyes…even well informed ones. Knowledge puffs a person up, but love edifies another. I appreciated this article about Reverse Legalism and you might, too.}

 

 

Christian Parenting, Uncategorized

When Intellect Takes Precedence over God’s Word.

January 21, 2013 Sarah Beals 5 comments

 

One of my greatest concerns for the younger generation is this notion that  God’s Word is subjective. This is, of course, a result of the culture we live in, which screams that the only truth is that there is no objective truth.

When we question the clear teaching of God's word, because it seems too hard or goes against our flesh, we're headed for confusion.

Christian mothers, we need to keep this in mind as we live our own lives,  teach our own children and deal with younger women in the church.

I am afraid for my own girls, because I see the confusion in Christian writings, blogs and teachings first hand.

It is that same old lie, the questioning, “Hath God really said?”

Moms, if God said it, we have to wholeheartedly hold to it. Period. And that is NOT easy in today’s culture.

Today, if you want to seem relevant today, you question everything. You question authority, you question rules, you question convention and tradition. This is seen as “intellectual.” If you obey rules, you are un-intellectual, living in bondage of some sort, and know nothing of “grace.”

Well, I believe that God’s Word has been given to us so that we can live a blessed, joyful life. I believe that God’s grace is what enables us to live as he commands. God’s Word and God’s ways are not meant to squelch your joy or stifle your liberty. If you view it that way, you have a skewed view of God.

God has given us rules for life for our benefit, and to make HIS gospel look attractive. Our lives, lived His way, gives credibility to the gospel.

Here’s how the line of thinking usually goes in a mindset that questions scripture and puts human wisdom above God’s written word:

Does a husband really need to love a wife that is unlovable? I doubt God meant that I need to suffer with a wife that is not holding up her end of the bargain. God wants me to feel loved as well. That was the original intent, so I don’t think I need to bend over for a wife who doesn’t respect me.

Do I really need to submit to my flawed, less than perfect husband? Submit? Are you kidding me? This is archaic. He’s not better than me, why should he have any authority over me. Besides, doesn’t God’s word say that we are to submit to one another, so why should he have the last word?

Do my children really need to obey? Well, if you care about heartfelt discipline, you’ll not push them to obey. You don’t always obey God, do you? So why expect kids to obey your authority? And define obedience, anyway. Do you really expect that kids can be taught to do something the first time, right away, with a cheerful heart?

When we neglect the clear teaching of scripture, we end up in confusion.

Peter doesn’t love me because I am super lovable, but because God says to. I don’t submit to Peter because he is always right and I don’t have any opinions of my own. I do it because I love my Father in Heaven. And we teach our children that they need to be obedient to their God by being obedient to their parents because God has commanded it and gives a promise of long life to those who obey this command.

This is not hard teaching, but it does go against the flesh. And it isn’t popular, clearly, because we see confusion about these topics on a daily basis.

Why not trust what God’s word has taught? And Christian women, we are told to proclaim GOD’S message, not some watered down version of our own ideas. We are his ambassadors, his bond-servants. We can’t have a different version of God’s message. If you can’t wholeheartedly agree with God’s message, why not be honest about that and NOT claim to speak for Him? Don’t put your message above the clear teaching of scripture. It is working against the gospel and is not helping younger women to “hold fast” to the word of truth.

GraceLaced Mondays
A Wise Woman, Christian living, Christian Parenting

Readers Ask: Should Kids Use Facebook?

January 2, 2013 Sarah Beals 13 comments

A what point did you allow your kids to use social media? My daughter wants to get a Facebook account, but I am not sure what age is appropriate.

Social media is a whole new animal and I am no expert on this one.

If you don’t have teens yet, trust me, that this is one area where having toddlers is easier than teens.

Social media is still so new that we have yet to see its affects on society in general and children in specific. Articles like these here and here which speak of children as young as 7 years old being addicted to social media make me cringe and want to throw my computer and all “hand-helds” out the window, bring them back inside, and throw them out again just for dramatic effect.

(Everyone needs a hero. This mom and her list of usage rules for her child’s new Christmas iPhone is AMAZING. This woman should get Mother of the Year, or something. )

I have a love/hate relationship with social media.

Social Media: 1950's style

I love checking into Facebook to see adorable photos of my friends kids and to read all of my favorite online subscriptions. I love keeping up with good friends and hearing their news. I love keeping in touch with my college-aged daughter and her friends.

I hate being bombarded with human nature every day on Facebook. Know what I mean? People who are self important really brag on Facebook. People who pride themselves in being know-it-alls are “know-it-alls on steroids” on Facebook. Facebook seems to brings out the best and worst in people…and then some. Some people live in dream worlds, others find boldness hiding behind a computer screen (my sisters and I dubb it the “small man syndrome”…big talk across the computer, not so much face to face.)

When our kids are Seniors in High School they are allowed to open a Facebook Account. We tell our kids that Facebook is just an extension of your words, and that they are accountable to God and us for their words.

Some things we’ve considered before allowing our kids to open a social media account:

1. Their maturity. They are responsible to God and others for what they write, post and cross promote.

2. Who their online friends will be. Yes, you did indeed read that right. If we feel a person is a bad influence, we’ll ask the kids to not “friend” them on FB. If we find that someone is always posting inappropriate pictures or things that are shady, we’ll ask them to defriend them. DE-FRIEND. Yup. We’re THAT kind of parent. {Insert low, fast, “drug company advertisement side-effects warning voice:”} “De-friending may occur for the following infractions: complaining or critical spirit about parents, church, school or other God ordained relationships in a child’s life, immodest or “loose-looking” pictures (button up your blouse–you’re a lady!) foul language, promoting of unwholesome activities, places or entertainment, or other bad attitudes in general.”

We really believe that God does care about your teens Facebook page. If you claim to be a daughter of the King, then, yes, even our kids FB is under His Lordship.

3. How much time a day they’ll spend on social media. You should set a reasonable boundary. My kids love it when I joke with them that they can spend as much time on media as they did in their quiet time. No, seriously though, you do need a time limit.

4. Their maturity in the faith. If you have a teen who is struggling, limiting social media may frustrate them, but might be a good for them long-term. They don’t need another distraction, and they might need to be shielded from societal norms. {I DON’T believe that ALL societal norms are “normal” at all.}

I am not even talking about shielding them from other struggling teens, but from adults on FB who should be a good example but who post things that are inappropriate. A struggling teen does not need to see an adult from their church who “likes” or posts immodest or inappropriate pictures of women. They don’t need to be bombarded with the hypocrisy of someone who acts one way on Sunday but then lives an entirely different life AND POSTS ABOUT IT Monday- Saturday.

So that’s what we do in our family. How do you handle social media in your family?

PS:We can’t blame new technology for today’s problems. Every generation does this. Yes, Facebook/Twitter/etc… is new, but so was the telephone at one point. It’s not the technology’s fault, but the user behind the it. (just like the gossip’s lips are to blame, not the actual telephone.) If you find your teen is distracted, distant, in the middle of squabbles or indulging in gossip online, you can’t really blame social media. These are heart and worship issues.

 

Christian Parenting
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