Archive for Christian living

Why Cultivating Your Soul is Essential for Every Woman

May 21, 2013 Sarah Beals 2 comments

This is a busy season of life for me, and I realize the blog has been quieter than normal. Life is lived in seasons. Some busy, some slower, some exciting and some mundane. Time is measured for a mother by meal making, laundry days, children’s birthdays and family traditions.

Sometimes actual days are a blur, but the big moments on the calendar seem to ground me: Church on Sundays, violin lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays, gymnastics on Wednesdays with prayer meeting to follow, Fridays are daddy’s day off.

Tree-with-roots-planted-in-the-water

Thriving, well placed, not withered, prosperous, fruitful. That’s the picture in Psalm 1 of the blessed life.

Seasons of life can be troublesome, financially worrisome, full of people problems or family crisis. Other seasons come and go in a carefree, orderly way, free of problems and full of blessing.

Despite the season, cultivating our own soul is an aspect that needs to be consistent. God tells us that the way to be “blessed” (Ps. 1) is not a mystery. In fact, it is pretty easily mapped out for us.

Psalm 1: 1-3

1 Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,

nor stands in the way of sinners, or sits in the seat of scoffers;

2 but his delight is in the law of the Lord,

and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree

planted by streams of water

that yields its fruit in its season,

and its leaf does not wither.

In all that he does, he prospers.

God gives us this picture of a green tree, lush and full of seasonal fruit, with leaves that don’t wither. Why? It is planted in the right place (beside the water) and the constant source of water supplies its innermost thirst.

Notice, the man/woman in Psalm 1 who wants to be blessed first starts with a negative. She separates herself (vs 1) from the counsel, advice, mindset, philosophies and agendas of those who walk in opposition to God’s word.  She doesn’t have close friendships with the ungodly or scorners. Not only does she not walk in the counsel of the ungodly, she doesn’t stand or sit in their company looking for their wisdom either.

Next, after evaluating negative influences in her life, she saturates her soul with God’s word. She delights in knowing what God has to say to her: she seeks it out, she desires it above all other things, she loves it wholeheartedly. And after she finds out what God says by saturating her mind, she meditates on it, recalling it throughout the day and night.

What is the outcome of all this delighting in God and meditating on his word? God’s word changes her by degrees, from glory to glory. She isn’t the woman she used to be.

She then becomes steadfast, like a tree with deep roots. She has fruit to offer others, supernatural fruit as a result of her deep connection with the living water. She offers shade and refreshment to those who are weary. She can be a blessing to others and her own soul is sound and steadfast.

Have you ever met a woman who is double-minded? They change their opinions with the wind, and their behavior is controlled by whomever they are around at that particular moment? She looks for value and approval from those around her and it affects how she acts outwardly. This is the total opposite of a steadfast woman. What is the problem?

“If you don’t feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Your soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great.”  John Piper, Hunger for God

A steadfast woman knows “her roots”–knows the source. Her “inner man” (ahem, woman) is peaceful and satisfied in Christ.

We’ve all had days when we are not stable– perhaps those days when everything and everybody seems to be against you in your own mind, or your head is spinning with problems and worries, or you simply don’t desire God as you should. (BTW, if you just read that previous sentence and cannot relate, you are, most definitely, a MAN. (MALE) Every red-blooded hormonal woman reading this knows exactly what I am talking about! Mkay.)

I know the Lord has prompted me over and over again with this admonition: “Sarah, trust me and treasure my word!“ Maybe you are having a hard time getting into God’s word, not really valuing God as you know you should, but you want to change that.

The big secret: tell the Lord your desire and open His word. It’s not jumping through hoops. No penance. He knows our frames are weak, and He is the God of the second and third chance. :)

His Holy Spirit gives you the desire to seek spiritual things in His word, and to draw you closer to Him, so on days when you feel weak, but you are still feeling the draw to get to know God more intimately, know that this is His grace and be encouraged that He is drawing you back where you belong: close to Him.

 

Christian living , , , ,

Where Does Your Mind Spend Its Time?

May 14, 2013 Sarah Beals 3 comments

One drawback of living in an the “Instant Age” age where I can get my coffee in thirty seconds from a Keurig whilst downloading a book-du-jour to my eReader is that I come to expect things quickly. Slow is aggravating and unacceptable. Movies are instant, information is always breaking and I like it now rather than later.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness" --What a rebuke to me in this digital age.

“Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness” –What a rebuke to me in this digital age.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t work when it comes to cultivating a spiritual life. The spiritual life is hard because, well, it is “spiritual” and our flesh fights it, but it also takes slow and steady work, building precept upon precept, trusting step-by-step when we don’t see answers, holding on to the sovereignty of God and bowing to His time frame instead of getting what we want when we want it.

I am currently re-reading The Pursuit of God, a book written in the 1940′s. Tozer talks about how people then wanted things “instantly.” I hardly think of of the 1940′s as a fast paced time, and can only imagine what he’d think today.

He’s talking about taking time, slowing down long enough to be receptive and aware of God. He’s comparing the spiritual giants that he’s admired with the seemingly weak, ineffective state of Christians in general of his day. Here’s his take:

I venture to suggest that the one vital quality which they had in common was spiritual receptivity. Something in them was open to heaven, something which urged them Godward…They differed from the average person in that when they felt the inward longing they did something about it. They acquired the lifelong habit of spiritual response.

Failure to see this is the cause of a very serious breakdown in modern evangelicalism. The idea of cultivation and exercise, so dear to the saints of old, has now no place in our total religious picture. It is too slow, too common.

We now demand glamour and fast flowing dramatic action. A generation of Christians reared among push buttons and automatic machines is impatient of slower and less direct methods of reaching their goals. We have been trying to apply machine-age methods to our relations with God. We read our chapter, have our short devotions and rush away, hoping to make up for our deep inward bankruptcy by attending another gospel meeting or listening to another thrilling story told by a religious adventurer lately returned from afar.

The tragic results of this spirit are all about us. Shallow lives, hollow religious philosophies, the preponderance of the element of fun in gospel meetings, the glorification of men, trust in religious externalities, quasi-religious fellowships, salesmanship methods, the mistaking of dynamic personality for the power of the Spirit: these and such as these are the symptoms of an evil disease, a deep and serious malady of the soul.

For this great sickness that is upon us no one person is responsible, and no Christian is wholly free from blame. We have all contributed, directly or indirectly, to this sad state of affairs.

We have been too blind to see, or too timid to speak out, or too self-satisfied to desire anything better than the poor average diet with which others appear satisfied.

To put it differently, we have accepted one another’s notions, copied one another’s lives and made one another’s experiences the model for our own. And for a generation the trend has been downward. Now we have reached a low place of sand and burnt wire grass and, worst of all, we have made the Word of Truth conform to our experience and accepted this low plane as the very pasture of the blessed.

If this is true in the 1940′s, I’m sure it’s true of us. Sometimes slowing down takes self-control and self-discipline. It’s retraining our mind to meditate again on God’s word in a world where Twitter-style snippets of one second sound-bites are the communication style of choice. Lingering and enjoying God, sitting and taking time to know Him are choices that won’t just happen by chance. We need to put on the brakes. The brakes of our mind in order to learn and appreciate what we have in Christ.

I have to ask myself some tough questions. Am I seeking God first? His ways? His word? Or does where I spend my time betray my true love? Often good things can morph into all consuming things that need to be brought back under the Lordship of Christ. This is true of all technology for me.

Plan to be still and slow today. If your schedule won’t allow it, you can still control where your mind goes today and you can choose to meditate on God’s word. If you don’t choose wisely, it does affect your future. One of my favorite quotes: Never sacrifice the future on the alter of the immediate. The choices we make today, affect and direct our future.

Chime in: Do you struggle with slowing down physically and mentally? Doesn’t there always seem to be a hundred and one things vying for our attention? How do you plan to change this and be intentional with where your mind spends its time?

Christian living

The Kind of Mother My Kids Need

May 12, 2013 Sarah Beals 4 comments

Today is Mother’s Day and like most women, I really want to do right by my kids. I “study” motherhood. I put time into it, reading about every stage, keeping my eyes and ears wide open as I navigate life with each child. I invest, pray, sacrifice and prioritize in order to meet my high ideals.

IMG_0184

I want to be a good mom, but I am not good. I am sometimes impatient, irritable, distracted and self-serving at home. I do good things for bad reasons, and bad things with good reason and I have a thousand-and-one excuses for my mixed-up behavior.

Often my desire to be seen as a “good mom” is really a mask for the underlying idols that already reign in my heart. 

To make matters worse, the ”good mom” persona is celebrated and encouraged in our churches, making its grasp even more subtle and ensnaring when coupled with my own sinful motives. It looks oh-so good on the outside, but the underlying symptoms are no way for the godly to live: Irrational fear that becomes all controlling and masks itself as “conscientious”; people pleasing that parades as being “others focused”; controlling pride that rejects God given authority in the church and masks as “family centered”, or over-investing in our kids because we are under-satisfied in God.

The Bible says that my heart is deceitful and wicked. It says that I am a sinner and I know it to be true. BUT, I sometimes want to think of myself as less of a sinner–a not so bad sinner. I rationalize, compare myself to others and try to declare myself good. I don’t want to agree with the Bible. I want to look good.

Paul Tripp has some insight in “Whiter Than Snow”:

Ask yourself…

Why do we spontaneously rise to our own defense? Why are you and I devastated when our weakness, sin and failure are pointed out? Why do we find confrontation and rebuke painful when they are done in love? Why do we want to believe that we are deprived, but not depraved? Or that we are depraved but not totally? Why do we find comfort in pointing to people who appear to be worse sinners than we are? Why do we make up self-atoning revisions of our own history? Why do we erect self-justifying arguments for what we have said or done? Why do we turn the table when someone points out a wrong, making sure that they know that we know that we’re not the only sinner  in the room? Why do we line up all the good things we’ve done as a counter-balance for the wrong that is being highlighted?

We find this all so hart to accept because we studiously hold onto the possibility that we’re more righteous than the Bible describes us to be. When we look into the mirror of self-appraisal, the person we tend to see is a person who is more righteous than any of us actually is!”

I am not good, and I know it. I don’t have to be.

WHEN I pursue goodness, its driving force must be devotion to and immense love of Christ which desires to please Him in my parenting efforts.

Grasping for perceived goodness that elevates me as a person is warped, unholy and rooted in pride.

The goodness that I need is a result of His righteousness. It is a goodness that knows its own badness, which keeps me focused on Christ and not on outward appearances.  I can rejoice in my badness which keeps me at the foot of the cross, clinging on to the only One who is good.

I can only be a good mother when my life is bowed low, bent in worship

and my whole heart is seeking to know and love God

and to find

my satisfaction and meaning in Christ instead of motherhood.

That is the kind of mother my kids need.

Christian living

What Does God Like?

April 30, 2013 Sarah Beals 4 comments

Whenever you are in a relationship with someone, you work quickly to learn their “likes” and “dislikes.” When we were dating, Peter quickly learned that I dislike fish. And sports. He wanted to please me, so he rarely asked me to sporting events, unless I was going to cheer him on while he played. Instead, he took me out for ice cream, antiquing and to craft shops because that’s what I loved. His love for me outweighed his desire for doing what he enjoyed. He really just wanted to make me happy. I did the same for him, even if it meant sitting through hours of softball. And the Three Stooges.

My kids also let me know what makes them happy. Things I typically hear at the park:

“Mom, can you push me higher?”

“Can you give me an underdog?”

“Can you spin me faster on the tire swing?”

Our cat likes to be pet with an aluminum foil ball.

Our cat likes to be patted with an aluminum foil ball.

The older girls also have a list of things they love: Trips into Boston, Starbucks, going out to lunch, hot mugs of tea and a good period drama. My son loves PS3, airsofting, tacos and pizza.

I couldn’t help think this morning in my devotions that God also tells us what He likes in His word. And when we really love Him, our desires seem small compared to the desire to make Him happy.

Some of the things God tells us He likes:

{I want you to know me!} For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, And in the knowledge of God  rather than burnt offerings. Hosea 6:6

{I want people of truth and integrity. No hypocrites} Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. Ps 51: 6

{Don’t kill yourself doing THINGS for me. I want your humble heart.} The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Ps 51:17

{I prefer to abide with the humble and make my home with them} For thus saith the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity, whose name is  Holy; I dwell in the high and holy place, and with him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble and to revive the heart of the contrite one. Isaiah 57:15

It’s nice to know what will make my kids and husband happy. And the more I read God’s Word, the more I realize that what really makes God happy is my  desire to know Him more.

Christian living

Holiness is Like Spring Cleaning Your Soul.

April 18, 2013 Sarah Beals 4 comments

My youngest sister Hannah put her house on the market this week and has been checking out new homes in our area. One home that she went to inspect was an adorable, old, perfectly restored cape style home right up the road from our house. Hannah reports that the house was gorgeous, perfect and the decor looked like it had been done by an interior designer. After her appointment was over, I drove past the “said” house on my way back from the bank and noticed the owners in the driveway, lugging trash bags full of items they’d hidden for the showing back into the house. I chuckled to myself, totally able to relate to this poor home owner who probably got a half hour notice that people were coming through her house again to “inspect” it.

spring cleaning

I couldn’t help but think that this is our tendency as well. We’re “quick pick-up” Christians, hiding our real problems and shining up the outside, in an attempt to portray a perfect, put together appearance on the outside. We equate being a good Christian with moralism, a good reputation with holiness, when in fact, holiness is so much more. Instead of doing the hard work, dealing with our internal heart sin, we’re content to mask sin, hiding things we know to be ungodly or sinful. We become content with outer surface holiness, when God is appalled by this. He cares about truth in the inward parts, purity of heart and righteous motives.

Here’s the thing: we can fool others with a facade, but we can’t fool God. God says that this approach is hypocrisy and that he will resist {actually, fight against} the proud woman who hides, excuses, defends or overlooks her own sin.

Our lives are to be a testimony to the watching world.

Here are some questions for self reflection. If you are truly a believer in Christ, the Holy Spirit has already prompted you on the areas YOU need to change. Your areas of change will be different from my areas that need changing.  If you’ve been fighting against Him, now is the time to submit and confess any sin He’s brought to your mind. If you want to be holy, the first step is to agree with God about your sin. Don’t dismiss it, defend it, overlook it, explain it away–God says that our sin is an abomination to him, stems from our own pride and cannot be tolerated or coddled in our life if we are truly following hard after Him.

If others were to take a “scrutinizing look” at your life, what would they find?

Do you appear outwardly godly while inwardly your thoughts and desires are ungodly?

If people could see your thoughts, would they conclude that you are a holy person? A loving person?

If they could replay your phone conversations and read your texts, see the movies and tv programs you’ve watched, see how you spent your money and time, see what you did when nobody was watching, if they could get a script of your words, would they conclude that you were the real deal Christian? Holy? Or would they conclude that what you portrayed and how you lived were really full of hypocrisy and that you were a fraud?

 

Ephesians 4:17-30 tells us that there are things in our lives that we need to put off and put on. It is a helpful list, because we sometimes slip back into old habits. Here is an excellent free list based on Eph. 4 that I find helpful to keep out for myself.

Holiness is not a one time decision as anyone who has been a Christian for any length of time can tell you. Holiness is like spring cleaning your house. Once you clean up the cobwebs here, you notice something out of place over there, so you get out your windex and clean the picture frame glass, only to notice that your couch needs vacuuming. Once you get into God’s word to align YOUR life up to it, you find you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Holiness is a day by day, moment by moment decision. It is a daily choice to keep our eyes on Christ’s holiness, to see ourselves as we really are in our sin, to abide close to Christ, depend on Him and then rest in Him. It is a decision to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, to be quick to confess and forsake our sin. When we “hold on” to our sin, we’re showing who and what we really love, aren’t we?

He gives us the strength and grace to “put off” sinfulness and he paid the price and gave us the power to do it through the precious blood of His son. We are no longer slaves to sin like we used to be. When we sin now, it’s because we chose to sin. We are redeemed, purified and our purpose now is to do the good works of His father.

So while you are spring cleaning your home, cleaning out cobwebs, windex-ing streaky glass and straightening out dresser drawers, think about the condition of your inward “temple”–the place that the Holy Spirit dwells. Does anything need to be re-arranged? Tossed out? Cleansed? Fixed? Do it this week. :)

 

 

 

Christian living

Today’s Christian Woman: Distinctly Unholy?

April 17, 2013 Sarah Beals 9 comments
Every Christian woman wants to hear and read books about being highly effective, being fulfilled as a person, finding your purpose and and being relevant in today’s society. But one topic that we are not clamoring to read about is personal holiness.
 
We’ve all been turned off by someone who thought they were acting “holy” when in fact they were just plain judgmental and critical making mountains out of what they thought was mountain-making-worthy. They are self appointed “police”–they figure, if I point out all your flaws, nobody will have time to notice my obvious flaws. (Note: truly holy people are so worried about their own sin that they have very little time to point out your.)
 
Or perhaps you are still reeling from the damage of a childhood spent in a works centered religion, where people zealously pointed out others “sins” like there was a reward for it, or you grew up in a works-centered Catholic home or a misguided fundamentalist work. Remember that that is not holiness.
No, 

“To be holy in our own strength and for our own glory is to be distinctly unholy.”

 
We’ve believed a lie about personal holiness. We’ve believed several lies actually. 
We’ve bought into the idea that holiness equals a
  • joyless,
  • secluded,
  • stiff,
  • puritanical,
  • disapproving lifestyle.
We may not verbalize it, but we act as though the world with it’s pleasures offers real joy. We relish our sin and keep returning to it as a dog returns to his own vomit.
It concerns me as I look around at the landscape of today’s Christian woman. Instead of getting better and better, we seem to have lost our moral compass and have embraced a distinctly unholy lifestyle. Oh, I don’t mean that we’d verbalize this, or that our public confession would be such, but that very few women are really concerned about their own personal holiness. And we are raising younger Christian women (who have learned from their mothers) who are now looking for fulfillment in the worthless and seem enamored by the world. 
 
They do not value God’s word as THE guide for life, a most precious love letter. They don’t see their relationship to God as paramount. There seems to be this justification of “living on the edge” and “acting like the world.” If we look like the world, respond like the world, love what the world loves, embrace what the world embraces and spend our time, energy, money on these lesser things, who will be salt and light to the world? And why do we wonder that the church lacks “power”? The church lacks power when the church leaders and God’s people are unholy and unsurrendered and they don’t even know it. 
 

THE TRUTH: holiness and joy go hand in hand in scripture.

 
You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness; therefore God, your God has anointed you with the oil of gladness beyond your companions. Hebrews 1:9
Every Christian is commanded to be holy. The idea of holiness includes being set apart, belonging to God, hating what God hates and pursuing what God loves.
“Be ye holy as I am holy.” 
” Strive for holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord.” 
“Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God.” 

“Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin…”

“Beloved, do not imitate evil but imitate good. Whoever does good is from God; whoever does evil has not seen God.”

“For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.”

Holiness is not some conjured up, pick yourself up by your bootstraps, try harder life. The desire for true holiness comes as we compare our lives to the perfect life of Christ. It starts when we get a glimpse of our filthy sin and then gaze on the beauty of His holiness, seeing Christ as He really is. It begins when we abide with him, rest in him and depend on Him. In short, when life is more about HIM and less about me. It is a grace that enables us to say NO to our fleshly desires to pursue what makes the heart of God happy.
 
Holiness keeps us from the bondage of sin. For whatever reason, we think that we can dabble with sin and not be effected. But when we embrace sin in any degree, we can not be embracing holiness.
Sin is always deceitful. It lulls you to sleep, promising you pleasure and freedom, when in fact it always entangles you.
 
My mom would always say:
Sin takes you farther than you planned to go, and keeps you longer than you planned to stay.
playing_with_fire
 
Think of sin as a fire. Or poison. Or a viper.  Not only do you not dabble in it, you stay away from it. You don’t let your kids light a little fire on the kitchen table, or hold a little viper in their bed, or drink a little poison at dinner time. You keep those things out of the house because they can harm you.  
 
The same is true of a little sin. Holding on to and cherishing sin separates us from communion with God–and others believers. Today, believers are deceived into thinking that sin doesn’t have consequences. In fact, we think we can pretty much do what I want–after all, I’m an American. I take my political liberties and mix them up with my spiritual liberties and end up believing that I am free to do as I please w/o consequence.
  • I can watch immorality as entertainment and not have it affect me.
  • I can listen to unwholesome talk and be okay.
  • I can be unloving to one person without consequence.
  • I can indulge in the flesh in food, drink, sleep or s*x and nobody’s going to get hurt.
  • I can nurse that grudge and hold on to unforgiveness without it effecting me spiritually.
  • I can chase worthless pursuits because God wants me to be happy.
If you’ve thought these things, sin has deceived you. If you are living these things, it’s totally entangled you. When God’s word says to flee certain things, like immorality, youthful lusts, wrath, hatred, envy, jealousies, evil communication…and we not only indulge in them but justify them, we are in serious trouble.
And we have to ask ourselves,
WHAT is the state of a believer who will not obey scripture? Are we not followers of Christ? Did He not tell us to be holy, as He is holy? WHY would we think that sinning is okay? Are we truly in Christ? Or are we a scoffer, posing as a believer when in fact our life shows that we have no desire to “do the will of the father.” Have you asked the hard question, ”Why do you call me Lord, Lord, but do not the will of my father?” 
 
The world lies and says that sin is fun and fulfilling and freeing and sin may seem to be all these things for a short time. But in the end, sin brings death and separation from God. Sin dulls your sensibilities and renders you spiritually blind. You’ll lose your moral compass, believing that right is wrong and wrong is right. God’s word teaches that being set apart to God is a blessing and a holy life is what brings joy and freedom. A clean conscience before God and men should be the norm for every believer. 
 
When we are living lives according to scripture, not perfectly, but striving for holiness, we paint a more accurate picture of what Jesus looked like. We are called to this. Let’s not defame His name by claiming we are his, but living like we don’t care two cents about his will.
 
 
Christian living, Joy ,

How to Handle a Relationship You Wish Would Go Away

February 27, 2013 Sarah Beals 18 comments

How to do you handle a relationship that you wish would go away?

How do you deal with a hurt person who continually hurts other people?

Well recognizing what kind of relationship you are in is   a good place to start. All friendships are not created equal and that’s okay.

Here are my thoughts, however unscholarly, from my own experience:

1. In extreme cases, if the person is verbally abusive/violent and is a member of your own family, you might have to limit contact with them for the sake of your own family.

2. If the person is a non-abusive “believer” who:

  • plays mind games,
  • is competitive instead of constructive
  • thrives on territorial wars/power struggles for control or authority
  • uses control tactics like the silent treatment or angry outbursts
  • uses their mouth to destroy others via slander, gossip
  • portrays themselves as the perpetual victim
  • assumes the worst in others
  • loves discord and feuding

you have two choices:

A. Interact with them:

If you do choose to interact with them, it has to be for one reason: to show them the unconditional love of Christ and to be a good example.

This type of “friendship” is a ministry and really no true friendship at all.

A person who doesn’t understand how to love others can never be a true friend to you, so don’t expect that from them.  Understanding the difference will keep you from disappointment, and will help you focus on loving that person with a Common Mercy “for Christ’s sake”–He makes the sun to shine on the just and the unjust. He loved us when we were unlovable. 

Interactions might look like: a friendly smile or hello, a kind word when you know they’ve just gossiped about you, not repaying evil for evil. You can invite them to your family parties or functions, but be aware that they may spoil your event depending on their mood. (something to consider when considering the comfort of other guests.) 

A good friend of mine let me know that another woman in the church had been gossiping about me for years and she thought I should know what I am dealing with. Her gossip included digs and jabs about ministries my husband and I ran, negative comments about this blog, comments about our kids and about other speaking opportunities I had been given. She was just letting me know because I seemed “clueless” about it. I told her that I already knew all about this “behind my back” behavior.(Several women in the church had warned me about her.) She seemed surprised because this news didn’t seem to rattle me.

My mom taught me many lessons that I still remember to this day:

  • You are only responsible for you.
  • Other people do not have to control you. The Holy Spirit controls you.
  • It is not the critic that counts.
  • Don’t lower yourself and your standards. Be the bigger person.
  • Only God’s approval matters.
  • Don’t compound the sin by joining in.
  • It’s better to be alone and do right than to be popular and displeasing to God.
  • When someone gossips, the poor reflection is on THEM, not the person they are slandering.
  • Love them anyways.
  • Leave your reputation and the results to God.
  • Vengeance is mine, says the Lord. I will repay.

Do I wish this had NOT happened? Yes, of course. But am I devastated because it did? No. People are people. Fallen people are fallen people. And I know my own propensity to sin and am really not surprised when others sin as well. I actually felt pity for this woman—a bundle of insecurity and anger, control freak and “desperate to be admired” all rolled up in one. And I could relate to (and pity) those feelings as well. It is part of fallen humanity. But at some point, she needs to give that all to the Lord to control. I’ve been there myself and know God can help her if she’ll let him. But in the end, she “owns” her own actions.

B. Avoid them:

If you are having a particularly trying week, or you just feel out of sorts or annoyed yourself, avoidance is the better route. If you are not able to love as Christ loved, don’t double the sin by getting into their games, which have now become your games.

3. If the person is not a believer, then obviously their need for Christ is the biggest concern. These outward problems are only symptoms of a bigger need.

In the end,

I don’t recommend confronting this type of person about their behavior. This is not the typical Christian who is trying to grow. This is the behavior of a  scorner, and unfortunately many times the school of hard knocks is their teacher of choice.

“He that reproveth a scorner getteth to himself shame: and he that rebuketh a wicked man getteth himself a blot.”

“Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee.”

“Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning.”

But a mocker (arrogant scorner, scoffer. Always cynical, arrogantly dismissive, with loads of saracasm) who is wicked, is unteachable.

“Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse.  Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. ”

“A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise.”

“Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words.” (A fool, according to Proverbs,  is someone who doesn’t heed the instruction of scripture, although exposed to it. Instead of hearing and doing, they hear and “dismiss” scripture.)

Correction/Rebuke in the church are only helpful to the one who is willing to learn from them (Proverbs 15:31; 17:10; 19:25; 25:12)

Finally, pray that God would give you wisdom when dealing with these types of people. I find that I can barely take care of myself and my own kids, and that I don’t usually have the desire or emotionally energy to get into much with this kind of person. I vacillate between pitying them for their obviously miserable life and when I really stop to think about what their internal peace must be like, I feel compassion, but usually I dread them for making my life harder. (selfish) I need to pray for them and myself, that God’s purposes in ordaining this relationship will be realized.

Tomorrow, we’ll talk about being a mentor, being mentored and I’ll point you to some great resources for mentoring yourself or others.

Note: if you are in a church leadership position, you may not have a choice whether to deal with this person or not. This stuff would need to be confronted for the health of the church. As leadership, you can’t allow one “sheep” to seriously harm the other “sheep” or cause divisions in the flock and this is where pastoral oversight comes into play. 

How about you? How do you deal with these situations? Any other insight you could offer? Feel free to share in the comments.

Christian living, Christian Parenting, ministry , , ,

Friendship is Not All About Me { and it’s like sorting laundry}

February 25, 2013 Sarah Beals 6 comments

Friendship is not strictly a way for our needs to be met.

Friendship is not all about you or me.

God may give you “friends” that you wish He never sent your way. Sometimes people are draining and moody, tiresome and just plain not who you’d choose to hang out with. (Sometimes we compensate by seeking “authentic community.”) People are problematic. We all are at some point.

So what do we do with these friendships that are all over the place. We listed the different types of friendships last week and said that each type of friendship comes with its own set of expectations–care labels if you will.

The care label for each person is different.

When you are considering buying a new shirt, you check the care label to make sure you can actually afford to care for this blouse. If it says “machine wash cold,” you know you can handle that. If it says “dry clean only” then you might think twice before purchasing it. Forethought and care must go into our friendships. We don’t take home a blouse and then get angry that it wasn’t a pair of comfortable jeans. We don’t wash each garment the same. We read care labels. We evaluate whether our piece needs bleach, fabric softener, lavender or pre-treatment.

And unlike blouses, sometimes we don’t get to choose our friendships. Sometimes we are thrown into a “mix” that we’re not happy about. Perhaps you have a new brother-in-law who is extremely unlovable. Perhaps your neighbors turn out to be the Munsters. Perhaps you are in a ministry team with one of those “prickly” people. There’s not much you can do to get out of these relationships. In fact, God ordained these relationships and He has a reason for them. Maybe He wants to use you for His own kingdom purposes; maybe He’ll use this person to refine you, sanding away your own rough edges by giving you time after painful time of grief (courtesy of this prickly person) where your own humility will be tested. Sometimes God is testing our humility, refining our resolve to do right or just testing our willingness to follow Him. We don’t always know the reasons, but we can be sure that He doesn’t want us to sin. In fact, when we sin, we become part of the problem.

So, as you think about your relationships, ask:

1. What does God expect from me today? He does expect you to obey his word toward this person, loving your neighbor as you do yourself, exhibiting 1 Cor. 13 kind of love. You can’t do this if you are not God focused throughout your day.

2. Am I looking for fulfillment in this friendship or in Christ alone? There’s nothing wrong with enjoying and benefitting from a friendship. But when your desires for friendship become demands, that is where the problem lies. To have that desire is normal, but any time we become demanding and dependent on anything other than God, we put ourself on track to sin (“my will be done” vs “Thy will be done.”) and we become desperate in our pursuit of our idol.

This quote from Elyse Fitzpatrick about things that become idols in our lives is revealing:

“If you are willing to sin to obtain your goal or if you sin when you don’t get what you want, then your desire has taken God’s place and you’re functioning as an idolater.”

This of course can apply to anything in our lives: power, influence, money, s*x, sleep, drugs, comfort, respect or friendship.

Tomorrow we’ll look at ways to safeguard yourself from unrealistic expectations and how to meet the needs of others in our friendships.

 

Christian living , , ,

All Friendships Are Not Created Equal, And That’s Okay.

February 21, 2013 Sarah Beals 11 comments

 

I plan to spend a few posts talking about friendship.

We all have many kinds of friends and different levels of friendship.

Here’s the thing: All friendships are not created equal, and that is okay.

In fact, knowing this will help you in the long run. Have you ever had a friendship that disappointed you and left you disillusioned, wondering what went wrong?

If we lump all friendships into one category, we really can’t benefit from the friendship. The Lord brings different people into our lives for different reasons, in different seasons, and by realizing this, and keeping the Lord’s goals in mind, we can be more effective in our ministry to our friends. If we realize that every meeting is God ordained, we’ll be more apt to offer friendship with a God focused mindset.

And if we remember that our friendships are not ultimately about us, but about God’s glory and his ends in our lives and in the lives of others, we’ll be more apt to jump in and offer comfort or aid, lend a listening ear or some advice when asked, or whatever is needed, whether we feel this person is an ideal fit for us or not. Let’s face it, we all come from different backgrounds, have different personalities and weaknesses, and sometimes this prejudices us from extending friendship to someone who is not just like us.  Worse, if we believe that every friendship must have the end goal of becoming future BFF’s (to use a seventh-gradish term), we’ll be sorely disappointed by our friendships.

Friendship is ultimately a good gift from God. He modeled it for us on earth, and he called us into friendship with him. He is the reason we know about friendship.

It might help to realize that every friendship has a purpose, and if we are wise and open to God’s leading and are looking for what He might be doing by allowing this “friendship”, we can befriend all kinds of people in all types of walks, in all stages of growth, and in turn will open ourselves up to a broader spectrum of ministry.

All friendships are not created equal and do not have the same end goal.

Here are eight types of friendships. These categories might help you set your expectations and goals for each friendship.

For instance, there are:

1. Acquaintance friendship, where we see each other around once a month, enough to say hello and wave or chit chat for a second.

  • the visiting couple at church,
  • women I see in town on a regular basis.
  • familiar face at the cash register or doctors office

2. Casual friendships, where we see each other on a somewhat regular basis, once a week, bi-weekly, and have at least one common bond in our life.

  • women at our homeschool co-op
  • other moms at my kids lessons or activities
  • women in my own extended family
  • friends who are in other ministries but that we see often enough to connect with on a deeper level
  • a friend of a friend

3. Close friends who I love and know well: we do many parts of life together and want the best for each other.

  • women in our family
  • our kids’ teachers
  • women in our church
  • lifelong friends

4. Women I mentor: younger women who need some help and come to me for advice

5. Women who mentor me: older women or women more experienced than I am in an area of life, who I’ve asked for specific help in areas I struggle with.

6. An intimate friend. An iron sharpening iron kinda friend. A person who you can be totally truthful with in love and they’ll know your heart. They always assume positive intent because they really love you. Usually built over a long time, this friendship that is held together by the glue of love, trust, integrity and looking out for the good of the other person, even if you have to tell them that they are headed in the wrong direction. They accept and give correction and advice if needed without fear of losing your friendship. They are there for the long haul.

7. Women who don’t understand how to be a good friend. (Hurt women who hurt other women.) These are women who don’t seem to know how to accept love from other people, therefore can never love others well. They assume the worst, second guess everyones motives, make caustic comments about other peoples situation. They are fun on a casual level but shallow relationships are all they know. They build walls to hide their own insecurities, put on a masks so that people don’t know the real them (because they’d never love me if they knew me, they assume.) They project their own heart’s motives on other people and assume that everyone acts just like they do…so they don’t trust anyone.

8. A “friend” to avoid. These would include angry women, gossips, those who love to start discord, envious (want what you have) and unloving (does not want the best for you, but for themselves).

Although you cannot have a close friendship with one of these people scripturally, these women are strewn throughout all of our casual friendships, and you may find yourself mentoring a woman who is trying to rid herself of these things.

Have I left out any categories? Have you ever set yourself up for disappointment by expecting more from a friendship than it was able to deliver?

Do you shy away from a friendship because you believe that every friend must be a kindred spirit, when maybe God is calling you to mentor an “unlovely” person? (we are all unlovely in some regard in our lives and could all benefit from the ministry of others to help prepare us to meet the Lord.)

Are you wondering what went wrong in a specific friendship, but are now able to see that maybe you were expecting a kindred spirit, but that was not where the other person was?

Share your thoughts?

(photo credit)

A Wise Woman, Christian living , ,

Thoughts on Complaining {from my teenage daughter}

February 19, 2013 Sarah Beals 7 comments

Today I have a guest post from my second daughter, Emily, who has been doing a personal study on complaining. She wrote this for a teenage audience and I asked if I could share it with you. Maybe you have a teen daughter that would benefit from the thoughts of another teenage girl trying to follow God?

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I don’t know about you, but I’m a big complainer. 

If my mascara runs onto my cheek, I complain.

If McDonalds is out of Honey Mustard sauce, or I don’t look just the way I want, I complain.

Before this study, complaining didn’t seem like that big of a deal to me. I mean, yeah, I knew I wasn’t supposed to complain, but I never really thought about how big this sin really is.

In Numbers 11:1, it says that when God heard the Israelites complaining, He sent fire down and it consumed them.

That seems like a big deal to me—God consuming people with fire, just because they complained. I’m glad that doesn’t happen to me every time I complain, or I’d be dead many times over.

There are some things I say that I don’t realize are complaints—until someone points them out to me. Little things like, “Ugh! My phone’s out of battery again,” or “My hair never works for me,” are everyday complaints that we throw out there without thinking, when, in fact, we are so blessed to live in a place where we CAN say things like “My phone’s out of battery.”

I’m sure you’ve all heard the quote “Someone else is happier with less than you have.” That is so true. God has blessed us with so much. How dare we complain when a little thing like wet smelly laundry gets in our way?!

Philippians 2:14 says “Do all things without murmuring…” That’s pretty straightforward. It doesn’t say do MOST things, it says ALL things.

Jesus died on the cross for every single one of our sins. That means that He died for every one of our complaints. I think that if we double check ourselves before we say anything, we would be much better off. If we think to ourselves, “Is what I’m about to say going to edify the people listening (Ephesians 4:29)?” we’d keep ourselves in check.

Another verse on being content is Philippians 4:11. It was written by Paul the apostle. He was in jail, writing to the Philippian believers. He wrote, “…I have learned in whatsoever state I am, to be content.” That’s humbling. I’m pretty sure none of you reading this are in jail, but even if you are, they are nothing like the jails back in Bible times. They were dark, cold, damp places that probably had rodents running around in them. And Paul was content.

Wow. Now that smelly laundry pile doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Or the shoes being a bit snug. Or the tooth paste falling into the sink instead of the toothbrush.

The definition of the word content means to be satisfied with what one is or has. It also means not wanting more or anything else.

By saying he was content, Paul was saying he was satisfied with being in jail. Don’t get me wrong, Paul was no idiot. He was saying that if God wanted him in jail, he was perfectly happy there. There was nothing he’d rather have and nowhere he’d rather be, if he was in God’s will.

So, what’s the solution for a complainer?

If we stop thinking about ourselves and the things we don’t have, and start thinking about the people around you and the many, many things that God has blessed you with, it’s much harder to complain. If we change the thought “Ugh, my phone’s out of battery again” to “Thank the Lord I have a phone” it edifies the people around you and ultimately brings glory to God.

Christian living, Guest Post, My Family
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